Low and then High

Yesterday and the day before were bad days. I slipped deep into the old distant depressed state, feeling like I was wrapped in cotton batting and unable to reach through to touch anything real. Not hungry, not sad really, but totally detached. 

Then yesterday I went out to the car to go pick up my man for a lunch date and a song came on the radio. Let me pause here and tell you that my Soul Sister/ best friend and I have this thing: we ask the "radio devil" to tell us what's in store or give us messages, then we hit the buttons randomly and see what song comes on. Sometimes it's funny, and sometimes it's eerily accurate. Other times, like yesterday, it's obviously my angels talking to me. 

Let me tell you one of the most important ways that Maine is different than Metro Detroit- you don't hear Eminem on the radio, ever. So it came as a surprise when I switched on the ignition and the first notes of "Lose Yourself" came over the airwaves. Not my favorite Eminem song, but you know how sometimes music just goes RIGHT into you? Well, I admit that I drove the 4 miles to my destination crying along to the soundtrack from 8 Mile. Not my proudest moment, but I'll tell you what, my angels were telling me to adjust my outlook about my life. 

You see, the day before yesterday I was looking for jobs, and I told the search engine that I have a Master's degree and the first job that popped up was "Dishwasher, Part Time". Well, that sucked. Later that afternoon, I went and talked to the owner of a local wine & craft beer store where a friend of mine works. When I left, it occurred to me that it's been seven years, and here I am looking at working in another booze store- just like I did right after college before finding my first "big girl job" down in the city. 

I'd come full circle... but I'm more poor now than I was when I worked at that gas station liquor store! BAM! Depression crushes me like a vice. Has the last seven years been meaningless? Has it really come back to this?

The main difference in me is that back then, I thought that my situation was a product of my degree not being the right one, and the 2008 economy being terrible. I felt trapped by things that were outside my control. NOW though, I know that it's all within my control. I could be successful at approximately 93747262987 things if I would just do something. 

Feeling trapped now is worse, because instead of blaming the situation, I can only blame myself. 

So let me bring it back around to my Eminem driving sob-fest. I've got a situation right now where I can't afford to "provide the right type of life for my family" but at the same time, this is an incredible opportunity for me! I'm not bogged down all day at a job I hate, and I have irons in the fire that CAN provide a better life for my family, if only I step up and do it (and not choke). Just as I wrote last week, this is a chance for me to embody the lifestyle I want, and probably a sign from above that I HAVE to do this now. It's no longer an option.

You're either 100% in or you're 100% out. So here's to being ALL IN. 

Picture of me immediately after getting fired- she looks like a badass.

These ideas effectively kicked me out of my low point and into a manic crafting episode, but I still think that's an improvement. 

So if you want to get into this with me, head over to YouTube and get ready to lose yourself.


PS. After Eminem, Tool came on, which is how I really know that my angels were speaking to me. The difference was that instead of a message going in, it was emotion trying to get out. Time to do some dance therapy.

Gotta get the yucky stuff out to make room for the good.