Part of being depressed sometimes means BUYING ALL THE THINGS. So it has been over the past year or so. I have been slowly collecting fitness memorabilia and equipment.
I'm pretty sure that owning so much fitness stuff and not managing to work out regularly is an indicator that I'm merely a fitness tourist. The only thing to be done is to work out more and be sure to use all my stuff so that way I feel slightly less guilty about owning it all.
Unfortunately, having so much stuff also means that there is slowly becoming less and less room in my apartment. Pretty decorating choices are eclipsed by yoga balls and jump ropes dangling from the paintings. Weird.
I thought I'd make a little list of my home 'gym' stuff today as a distraction since I've not only not been working out, but I've been wallowing in depression for a few days. Sunday I couldn't even make myself get out of bed until 3 PM and I was feeling like a social pariah at the Halloween parties I attended on Friday and Saturday.
In lieu of actual fitness, I'll write about the things I purchased instead of working out. Win?
Media:
-Insanity DVDs from my Mum's. She got them a few years ago and hated it, so now they are mine!
-P90X DVDs that I got after seeing my BFF+ (Also known as J) have a ton of success with them.
-Yoga DVD from somewhere. Truthfully, I'm not a yoga enthusiast, so I never use it.
-Stability Ball DVD that came with my stability ball. I never use this either.
Technology:
-Zero Weight Scale. Got this in a Groupon deal. It's a really nice scale, actually, and I can set it so that it only tells me my gains/losses rather than my total weight.
-Pedometer. Came with the scale. Use it sometimes for amusement, but don't find it particularly helpful.
-Wristwatch/Stopwatch/Heart Rate Monitor. Got this a few years ago at Meijer or something. Batteries have finally died, but I am pretty fond of it since I tend to have a stupidly high heart rate at the mere thought of exercise.
-Fit Radio on my phone. It's nice to have music sometimes!
-MyFitnessPal.com to track calories and exercises on my computer and my phone.
-Food Scale. Yup.
Equipment:
-Jankety Old Stationary Bicycle from St. Vincent Du Paul. It's loud as all get out, so I'm going to get rid of it.
-Pull Up Bar - door mounted
-Gymnastic Rings
-Weight Resistance Bands in assorted thicknesses
-Pull Up Assisting Bands - green, black, purple
-Dumbells - 5 lb and 10 lb
-Kettlebells - 15, 20, 25 lb
-Barbell - 7 ft, 45 lb
-Yoga Mat
-Stability Ball
-Jump Rope
-Cable Speed Jump Rope
-Ab Mat
-Grip Strength Exerciser Squeezy Thing. (*shrug*)
Maybe tonight I'll do some ab work, since apparently I won the ab contest this weekend. I'm positive that it was only because I have boobs and the 'impartial' judge didn't even look below my bra!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Hmmm
A treasured friend pointed out to me that my last post came off as slightly elitist. Looking at it, I can see how it could be read that way.
Those who know me best know that I consider myself considerably less than other people... in pretty much every way. I am merely disheartened that in this world, it seems like more emphasis is always put on how we look than how we feel or who we are. It's pervasive in every aspect of our society and I wish it weren't so.
I wish I lived in a society where everyone went to the gym because they liked it, not because they felt guilty about how they look. That used to be me. A year ago if you asked me, my only reason to work out was to look better, because I thought that my mental faculties and personality were passable, and that the reason no one loved me was because I was too fluffy around the middle.
I've gained a little wisdom, but I've still got plenty of that same humility.
Those who know me best know that I consider myself considerably less than other people... in pretty much every way. I am merely disheartened that in this world, it seems like more emphasis is always put on how we look than how we feel or who we are. It's pervasive in every aspect of our society and I wish it weren't so.
I wish I lived in a society where everyone went to the gym because they liked it, not because they felt guilty about how they look. That used to be me. A year ago if you asked me, my only reason to work out was to look better, because I thought that my mental faculties and personality were passable, and that the reason no one loved me was because I was too fluffy around the middle.
I've gained a little wisdom, but I've still got plenty of that same humility.
I'm Shocked To Discover It's Not About That.
Lately as I peruse Pinterest looking at CrossFit and fitness stuff, I see a lot of pictures of women's bodies in short shorts, with pithy phrases like "Get that Mali Booty" or "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" or "Motivation".
Saw these gems too:
Yeah, because I always go do double unders with no bra, my shorts pulled up into my butt, and heels. My fitness is not about looking sexy, and I find myself getting irritated lately about the emphasis on exercise for the purpose of looking hot. Strong is the New Sexy, hey? That's not really cool with me anymore. How about strong is strong. For once I'd like to do something for me, instead of for some guy that wants to ogle me at LA Fitness, or for the douche-bag boyfriend who just wishes I were a little thinner.
I am thin. I also happen to find myself sexy. I just don't understand why promoting women doing real workouts instead of playing on the elliptical has to include models in full makeup, with artfully aranged hair (see below), who have also been strategically spritzed with "sweat"? Isn't it impressive enough that this woman is (allegedly) doing a weighted back squat? Does she really have to look sexy for a man while she's at it?
The worst part of it all is that I took a picture of myself last night after finishing a quick workout in my office. (100 Single Unders, 20 Kettlebell Swings [20lb], 50 Sit Ups, 25 Mountain Climbers, 25 Jack Knives.)
I had intended to send the picture to my cardio partner, A., as proof that I was rocking out and all sweaty. I took the picture at a downward angle as I lay sprawled on my yoga mat, trying to look attractive. Why on earth would I try to look attractive after a workout?! Why would I send a picture that looks down my sports bra and makes my thighs look smaller? Why should it matter?
That's when it occurred to me that I Don't work out to look sexy for other people. I caught myself explaining to my brother the other day that life is more manageable on days that I work out, and that I'm happier and less stressed. I talked about how good it is to think "I can't do that" at the beginning of the WOD and then feel my body be like "F* that noise, I've got this." I told him how when I'm taking care of my body by working out, it spreads into other parts of my life as well-- I keep my apartment cleaner, I cook myself real food instead of eating out, I take the time to get dolled up and take myself out for a nice night. NEVER did I say, "I work out so that way I look sexy and can meet a man."
Today's Reason: Because "F* Them All", this is personal, and it's for me.
PS: I know that probably the majority of women work out in order to look good. That's fine. It is just blatant sexualization of us working out that bothers me. It almost feels like women lifting weights and doing "men's" workouts is a fetish for someone. Gross.
Saw these gems too:
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| I get more reps in stilettos. |
Yeah, because I always go do double unders with no bra, my shorts pulled up into my butt, and heels. My fitness is not about looking sexy, and I find myself getting irritated lately about the emphasis on exercise for the purpose of looking hot. Strong is the New Sexy, hey? That's not really cool with me anymore. How about strong is strong. For once I'd like to do something for me, instead of for some guy that wants to ogle me at LA Fitness, or for the douche-bag boyfriend who just wishes I were a little thinner.
I am thin. I also happen to find myself sexy. I just don't understand why promoting women doing real workouts instead of playing on the elliptical has to include models in full makeup, with artfully aranged hair (see below), who have also been strategically spritzed with "sweat"? Isn't it impressive enough that this woman is (allegedly) doing a weighted back squat? Does she really have to look sexy for a man while she's at it?
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| The push-up bra helps counter-balance the weight. |
The worst part of it all is that I took a picture of myself last night after finishing a quick workout in my office. (100 Single Unders, 20 Kettlebell Swings [20lb], 50 Sit Ups, 25 Mountain Climbers, 25 Jack Knives.)
I had intended to send the picture to my cardio partner, A., as proof that I was rocking out and all sweaty. I took the picture at a downward angle as I lay sprawled on my yoga mat, trying to look attractive. Why on earth would I try to look attractive after a workout?! Why would I send a picture that looks down my sports bra and makes my thighs look smaller? Why should it matter?
That's when it occurred to me that I Don't work out to look sexy for other people. I caught myself explaining to my brother the other day that life is more manageable on days that I work out, and that I'm happier and less stressed. I talked about how good it is to think "I can't do that" at the beginning of the WOD and then feel my body be like "F* that noise, I've got this." I told him how when I'm taking care of my body by working out, it spreads into other parts of my life as well-- I keep my apartment cleaner, I cook myself real food instead of eating out, I take the time to get dolled up and take myself out for a nice night. NEVER did I say, "I work out so that way I look sexy and can meet a man."
Today's Reason: Because "F* Them All", this is personal, and it's for me.
PS: I know that probably the majority of women work out in order to look good. That's fine. It is just blatant sexualization of us working out that bothers me. It almost feels like women lifting weights and doing "men's" workouts is a fetish for someone. Gross.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
I've Got The Power! Now Let's Dance!
Hit the gym bright and early this morning... well early anyway. There was no electricity at the CrossFit box!
Rather than call it off like a bunch of wimps though, we decided to work out in the dark. Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
1 Minute Battle Ropes
1 Length of Walking Lunges
10 Burpees
2 Minute Row
Skill:
Double Unders!
1 Minute Ghost Double Unders
2 Minutes Single Unders
1 Minute Ghost Double Unders
2 Minutes Double Unders
I didn't manage to do any, but I feel like I have a better shot at it now that I know the technique.
WOD:
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
Squat
Ring Row
Dumbbell Push Press (I only used 7.5lb weights, cause I am a failure today)
Knees to Elbows
I finished last, at 12:53.
Finisher:
50 Wall Balls with the 6lb ball.
(This nearly did me in, I wanted to vomit.)
Despite feeling like the finisher nearly finished me, I know I could have pushed myself harder during today's workout. I'm kinda grumpy at myself for walking out of the gym in such good condition. As a result, I'm going to do some more jump rope tonight and some ab work. That brings us to today's Reason: Because I know I can do it.
At work today, I had dance music on all afternoon, and I feel frisky, and want to get up and move! Also kept better track of my food intake today, since I've been slacking on it. Overall, despite LIFE being a pain today, I still feel pretty good. That's the miracle of endorphins I guess!
Rather than call it off like a bunch of wimps though, we decided to work out in the dark. Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
1 Minute Battle Ropes
1 Length of Walking Lunges
10 Burpees
2 Minute Row
Skill:
Double Unders!
1 Minute Ghost Double Unders
2 Minutes Single Unders
1 Minute Ghost Double Unders
2 Minutes Double Unders
I didn't manage to do any, but I feel like I have a better shot at it now that I know the technique.
WOD:
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
Squat
Ring Row
Dumbbell Push Press (I only used 7.5lb weights, cause I am a failure today)
Knees to Elbows
I finished last, at 12:53.
Finisher:
50 Wall Balls with the 6lb ball.
(This nearly did me in, I wanted to vomit.)
Despite feeling like the finisher nearly finished me, I know I could have pushed myself harder during today's workout. I'm kinda grumpy at myself for walking out of the gym in such good condition. As a result, I'm going to do some more jump rope tonight and some ab work. That brings us to today's Reason: Because I know I can do it.
At work today, I had dance music on all afternoon, and I feel frisky, and want to get up and move! Also kept better track of my food intake today, since I've been slacking on it. Overall, despite LIFE being a pain today, I still feel pretty good. That's the miracle of endorphins I guess!
Monday, October 22, 2012
Let's Play Catch-Up
I haven't written in a while. It seems like life got so crazy there that I ceased to exist entirely!
Let's see.
Last Friday I made it to the gym to discover that the WOD was "Angie". For those of you that aren't familiar with CrossFit, Angie is one of the more well-known WODs. It consists of 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 100 squats. I managed to make it to 60 of each before time ran out, but I felt pretty good about it. My squats still need serious help though.
After work on Friday I drove 3.5 hours up North to my Mum's place and had a quiet evening watching Gran Torino with her and my brother. At 6 the next morning, I took off from there and drove 2 hours to Gaylord to do the Over The Top Extreme 5k at Treetops Resort.
It was a pretty fun mudder, and only minor injuries were sustained in the process of getting disgustingly wet and dirty on a 50 degree rainy day in Northern Michigan. It was brought home to me that despite rocking at the obstacles, I was terrible at the running.
I managed to get completely muddy and covered in soap during the race, and despite being incredibly slow, my 3 woman team took first place for our division! (A testament to how few people were in attendance.) Anyway, because of the post-race chili lunch and awards ceremony, and my inability to get clean using only a cold garden hose, I ended up missing my bridesmaid dress appointment back down in the D. Ooops...
I spent Sunday doing some cardio and napping on a friend's couch and generally feeling like life is pretty good sometimes. This morning would have seen me back at CrossFit for my last week of Groupon goodness, but my shoes are still completely soaking wet, and nothing could convince me to put them on at 5 this morning.
Anyway, the Reason for today is inspired by my weekend: Because I need more cardio endurance.
Let's see.
Last Friday I made it to the gym to discover that the WOD was "Angie". For those of you that aren't familiar with CrossFit, Angie is one of the more well-known WODs. It consists of 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, and 100 squats. I managed to make it to 60 of each before time ran out, but I felt pretty good about it. My squats still need serious help though.
After work on Friday I drove 3.5 hours up North to my Mum's place and had a quiet evening watching Gran Torino with her and my brother. At 6 the next morning, I took off from there and drove 2 hours to Gaylord to do the Over The Top Extreme 5k at Treetops Resort.
I managed to get completely muddy and covered in soap during the race, and despite being incredibly slow, my 3 woman team took first place for our division! (A testament to how few people were in attendance.) Anyway, because of the post-race chili lunch and awards ceremony, and my inability to get clean using only a cold garden hose, I ended up missing my bridesmaid dress appointment back down in the D. Ooops...
I spent Sunday doing some cardio and napping on a friend's couch and generally feeling like life is pretty good sometimes. This morning would have seen me back at CrossFit for my last week of Groupon goodness, but my shoes are still completely soaking wet, and nothing could convince me to put them on at 5 this morning.
Anyway, the Reason for today is inspired by my weekend: Because I need more cardio endurance.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I better be careful, I'm getting life all over me!
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| Crashing in 3-2-1... |
The idea was to have a few drinks, go to sleep by 11 and then wake up and hit CrossFit this morning. Well, let's just say that I didn't make it to bed until 2:30 AM and then because of all the Coca-Cola I'd had with my Captain's, I just kinda laid awake all night. By the time my alarm went off, I was just relieved that I had an excuse to get up and go.
Understandably, the warm-up at CrossFit this morning was pretty humorous. I looked like a zombie, and today's coach, J, made several comments to that effect. I stumbled through the warm-up with my usual amount of enthusiasm (approximately none) and managed to feel darned good about the rest of the workout.
I was worried when I saw what the WOD was that it would not be challenging enough. Lies! Today was the closest I've ever been to tossing my cookies during a workout. As it is, I finished in 9:08 (only 2 minutes slower than the fastest person) and I feel pretty proud even though I was barely working with any weight. Here's what we did:
.jpg) |
| Dancing is a workout. That's how I meet hotties like this! |
Warm-Up:
Repeat 3x (in seconds)
:20 Lateral Jumps
:10 Squat Bottoms
:20 Squats
:10 Rest
:20 Burpees
:10 Plank
:20 Burpees
:10 Plank
:20 Burpees
Skill:
-Increased weight for Dead Lift -52lbs
WOD: "Jack Bauer" (from the show "24" apparently!)
-Alternate between Sumo Dead Lifts and Kettlebell Swings
Sumo: 21-18-15-12-9-6-3 (I used the 22lb bar)
Kettlebell: 3-6-9-12-15-18-21 (I used the 20lb Kettlebell)
Finisher:
100 Double Unders (200 Singles) Note: I finally managed to do some proper single unders, although I still look like a drugged honey badger when I attempt to do more than one in a row.
This week is a special week at my office. We get free breakfast and lunch each day... and it's delicious and bad for me. It's hard to resist, but I keep telling myself that the salad is FINE and that abs are better than pasta.
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| Lies. |
In other news, my new Olympic barbell came today! 45 pounds that I can certainly dead lift, but will be hard pressed to clean at this point. A nice starter for when I don't have access to the CrossFit gym anymore! I was also expecting a set of Kettlebells for my home gym as well, but there's no sign of them today.
I seriously feel my abs after Monday's workouts, and I'm feeling pretty today as I flounce around my office. I hear that hockey season MAY be back on as early as November 2 as well. These two things combined make today's Reason to Work Out: To take a really awesome Redwings Facebook Fan of the Day picture doing an impressive Snatch in a Wings jersey and some of those cute knee-socks.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I want to be her.
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| I wish I were calm, collected, and beautiful, like Her. |
Today is a good day!
Sometimes it's like there are two of me. The one in my head who is strong and graceful and kind and funny and generally exemplifies all of the attributes that I know I'm capable of. The other me is the one that is out here in the real world. I'm flawed and let myself down etc. etc., but mostly this me just seems incomplete while the me in my head is the finished masterpiece.
I want to to be her. The finished one. I love her.
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| Instead, I'm a hot mess most of the time. |
...So how do I go from loving her to hating me? There's a disconnect. In the worlds of John Prine, "Steady losin' means you ain't usin' what you really think is right." I think so. I must be depressed because I know that I'm not living and acting the way I can/should. I hate myself, but love the idea of the person I'm capable of being, so what is stopping me from being her?
Today I didn't go to the gym, but that's OK!! I have made a deal with myself to go at least three times a week, so I'm not going to beat myself up until at least Thursday (lol?). Additionally, I also repeated part of yesterday's CrossFit workout last night in an effort to avoid homework.
-100 Jack Knives
-100 Mountain Climbers
-200 Flutter Kicks
-100 Squats (or what I like to think of as "Squails" because I fail at squats. It's not a witty name, but it does eerily mimic the noise I make when I try to do them.)
Being pepped up about working out, the way I am today is a good way for me to move towards Her. She's strong and fit and beautiful and dedicated... all the things that I could be if I stayed committed to my fitness goals and didn't let my own negative outlook get in my way.
Speaking of beauty, I was inspired today by my boss telling me that I look like I've been working out (as I lifted a giant bag of garbage and teetered off with it to the dumpster out back). He didn't tell me I look skinny, which is what I always kinda wished I was, but that I looked strong. I think I like that better!
I'm not any thinner, but I like myself more. I'm finding the beauty about myself to be within the fact that I can do pretty decent Mountain Climbers and feel like I'm working it successfully. The beauty is in not letting myself down. The beauty is in being proud of my accomplishments (small though they may be at this early stage.) The beauty is in wanting to go back and try again. I love that about myself. Those all make really stupendous Reasons.
Side Note: I went to look up some stock images for "Strong" and I'd like to ask why the Hell all the pictures of strong females focus on pink dumbbells or giant boobs in little sporty sports bras? It's creeping me out. Way to go, world. Sexualizing everything again.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Calluses are cute, right? ...Right?
It's been a while, probably because I had a lousy dark, sad weekend and end of last week. I'm still not recovered. School makes me want to either punch an infant or jump off a bridge most days. Thank goodness for my friends. Seriously, they lift me up.
I spent 8 hours at the lab doing Master's work yesterday and managed to get my buns to CrossFit this morning though, so I think this week is off to a better start than last week.
Warm Up:
Repeat 2x
100 Single Unders
10 Good Mornings (22lb bar)
10 Dead Lifts (22lb bar)
10 Shoulder Press (22lb bar)
20 Lateral Jumps
Lunge walk the length of the gym 2x
Skill:
Shoulder Press: because I'm such a beginner and could only do 32 pounds, I cleaned it up instead of using a stand for the shoulder press. 4x 5 reps at that weight after 10 reps with the 22lb bar. Nothing fancy or impressive.
WOD:
100 Knees to Elbows (Or knees up over hips in my case)
-Any time I stopped for any reason, I had to do 10 shoulder presses (22lb bar).
I began with 15 Arms to Elbows hanging from the pull-up bar, but soon had to graduate to the floor. Note to self: wear gloves and also work to improve hand strength.
Finisher:
3x 250 Meter Rowing Sprints with 30 second rests in between
AMRAP Sit-Ups in 2 Minutes. (I did 42).
I did not feel like I was going to die during the workout today. I think that means I didn't push myself hard enough! I feel kinda crazy for wanting to go back and push myself to exhaustion. If my hands were stronger, I would have loved to have gotten in more hanging knees to elbows!
I still look pretty ridiculous when attempting to jump rope. Today I managed to get the rope stuck in my hair and also failed to manage any decent SINGLE unders. I am practically skipping rope like an elementary school girl. This is something I need to work on. (Along with my pull-ups, push-ups, and squats.)
Today's Reason: Because working out makes me feel like I can DO ALL THE THINGS, and unfortunately, that's the only way I will make it through the next two months. (Also, booze.)
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| At Lakeside for the Cedar Point trip last week. |
I spent 8 hours at the lab doing Master's work yesterday and managed to get my buns to CrossFit this morning though, so I think this week is off to a better start than last week.
Warm Up:
Repeat 2x
100 Single Unders
10 Good Mornings (22lb bar)
10 Dead Lifts (22lb bar)
10 Shoulder Press (22lb bar)
20 Lateral Jumps
Lunge walk the length of the gym 2x
Skill:
Shoulder Press: because I'm such a beginner and could only do 32 pounds, I cleaned it up instead of using a stand for the shoulder press. 4x 5 reps at that weight after 10 reps with the 22lb bar. Nothing fancy or impressive.
WOD:
100 Knees to Elbows (Or knees up over hips in my case)
-Any time I stopped for any reason, I had to do 10 shoulder presses (22lb bar).
I began with 15 Arms to Elbows hanging from the pull-up bar, but soon had to graduate to the floor. Note to self: wear gloves and also work to improve hand strength.
Finisher:
3x 250 Meter Rowing Sprints with 30 second rests in between
AMRAP Sit-Ups in 2 Minutes. (I did 42).
I did not feel like I was going to die during the workout today. I think that means I didn't push myself hard enough! I feel kinda crazy for wanting to go back and push myself to exhaustion. If my hands were stronger, I would have loved to have gotten in more hanging knees to elbows!
I still look pretty ridiculous when attempting to jump rope. Today I managed to get the rope stuck in my hair and also failed to manage any decent SINGLE unders. I am practically skipping rope like an elementary school girl. This is something I need to work on. (Along with my pull-ups, push-ups, and squats.)
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| Do I ever! |
Today's Reason: Because working out makes me feel like I can DO ALL THE THINGS, and unfortunately, that's the only way I will make it through the next two months. (Also, booze.)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Go Do
Well, I got up for CrossFit today.
Warm up:
3 rounds of
-20 second mountain climbers
-10 second plank
-20 second push press (22lb bar)
-10 second holding front squat
-20 second back squat
-10 second legit rest
-20 second burpees
-10 second rest
Skill:
-Learned shoulder press (22lb bar)
WOD:
20 minute AMRAP
-10 weighted walking lunges (I did weighted squats (15lb)
-20 ball slams (I used 10lb ball)
-30 double unders (I did 120 singles)
I did three rounds
Finisher:
-50 Jack-knives
-50 flutter kicks
Warm up:
3 rounds of
-20 second mountain climbers
-10 second plank
-20 second push press (22lb bar)
-10 second holding front squat
-20 second back squat
-10 second legit rest
-20 second burpees
-10 second rest
Skill:
-Learned shoulder press (22lb bar)
WOD:
20 minute AMRAP
-10 weighted walking lunges (I did weighted squats (15lb)
-20 ball slams (I used 10lb ball)
-30 double unders (I did 120 singles)
I did three rounds
Finisher:
-50 Jack-knives
-50 flutter kicks
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Guilt
Today when the alarm went off at 5 AM, I stayed in bed. Last night was a sad night, and I sat in my lonely apartment with some tomato soup and a beer wondering if things will ever really change.
Of course, graduate school is stressing me out quite a bit lately, which causes my jaw to hurt even more than usual. In addition to that, I'm pretty much broke all the time. Living on my own and paying all my own bills and paying off student loans and putting myself through graduate school while working a low-paying entry-level science job is not easy. I worry about my bills constantly and have to juggle Cirque Du Soleil style to cover any unexpected misfortunes. How can I afford to get my jaw fixed if I can't even buy groceries this week?
So this morning, I wanted to hide. I wanted to sit in my bed or maybe crawl into the back corner of the closet and close all the doors. Days when it is really brought home to me that I don't have any help are the hardest. Kind words and reassurances from friends or family mean nothing if I can't make it on my own. If I can't pay the bills or make myself get out of bed or make myself work out or eat or laugh, then am I really succeeding? There's no safety net out here in the real world, and if I fall, there's no one or no thing there to catch me. Words of encouragement aren't tangible.
Some days I'd trade anything in the world for the knowledge that someone is watching my back, and that if the worst happens, I'll have some help. Deep down, I know that I'm doing well, and that I've got everything under control, and I'm proud of my ability to do everything alone, but by golly, some days I don't want to.
I told myself this morning that I could stay safe in bed for a while longer, that I wouldn't have to stay late at the lab tonight, and could go to the gym in the evening. Part of me doubts that will happen, but it's a hope I cling to. Maybe at lunch I'll go pound out a P90X workout in the conference room. Maybe a powerful injection of coffee will make me feel less like a loser.
Maybe someday I won't let guilt debilitate me anymore. Maybe when I don't work out in the morning, I won't feel guilty and as if I've failed or wasted my day. Maybe someday I'll be happy and confident enough to accept and appreciate the life I'm living and the body and soul that I possess. For now though, I'm battling constantly to not want to burn my body in a fire or discredit my personality and soul as flawed and selfish.
Some days it's harder than others. Today is one of the hard days, clearly.
Of course, graduate school is stressing me out quite a bit lately, which causes my jaw to hurt even more than usual. In addition to that, I'm pretty much broke all the time. Living on my own and paying all my own bills and paying off student loans and putting myself through graduate school while working a low-paying entry-level science job is not easy. I worry about my bills constantly and have to juggle Cirque Du Soleil style to cover any unexpected misfortunes. How can I afford to get my jaw fixed if I can't even buy groceries this week?
So this morning, I wanted to hide. I wanted to sit in my bed or maybe crawl into the back corner of the closet and close all the doors. Days when it is really brought home to me that I don't have any help are the hardest. Kind words and reassurances from friends or family mean nothing if I can't make it on my own. If I can't pay the bills or make myself get out of bed or make myself work out or eat or laugh, then am I really succeeding? There's no safety net out here in the real world, and if I fall, there's no one or no thing there to catch me. Words of encouragement aren't tangible.
Some days I'd trade anything in the world for the knowledge that someone is watching my back, and that if the worst happens, I'll have some help. Deep down, I know that I'm doing well, and that I've got everything under control, and I'm proud of my ability to do everything alone, but by golly, some days I don't want to.
I told myself this morning that I could stay safe in bed for a while longer, that I wouldn't have to stay late at the lab tonight, and could go to the gym in the evening. Part of me doubts that will happen, but it's a hope I cling to. Maybe at lunch I'll go pound out a P90X workout in the conference room. Maybe a powerful injection of coffee will make me feel less like a loser.
Maybe someday I won't let guilt debilitate me anymore. Maybe when I don't work out in the morning, I won't feel guilty and as if I've failed or wasted my day. Maybe someday I'll be happy and confident enough to accept and appreciate the life I'm living and the body and soul that I possess. For now though, I'm battling constantly to not want to burn my body in a fire or discredit my personality and soul as flawed and selfish.
Some days it's harder than others. Today is one of the hard days, clearly.
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| Maybe life wouldn't be so scary if I avoided creepy dolls. |
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Dead or Alive
I now understand why the CrossFit ladies wear knee socks.
I always thought it was just some cute thing that they did, but no! I wish I'd been wearing tall socks today when I learned how to do dead lifts. Maybe then my shins wouldn't be black and blue. Jonathan managed to scrape his shin in the process even!
It's one thing to have some sweet/tough calluses from the pull-up bar, but it's quite another to have gross bruise legs all the time.
Today was a nice day at CrossFit though. I didn't even have any trouble convincing myself to get up and drive to the gym at 5:30 AM. The workout was as follows, and I can feel it in my abs.
Warm Up:
Repeat 4x
-20 seconds high knees
-10 seconds jumping jacks
-20 seconds kettlebell swings (I used 10lb)
-10 seconds goblet squats (10lb kettlebell)
-20 seconds roaming plank
-10 seconds mountain climbers
-20 seconds regular plank
-10 seconds rest
Skill:
Learned how to do dead lifts.
WOD:
5 rounds
-AMRAP (as many reps as possible) dead lifts (I did 37lbs) in 45 seconds
-15 seconds rest
-AMRAP lateral burpees (I think that's what they called them. It's a burpee on one side of the barbell, and then jump sideways over the barbell for another burpee) in 45 seconds
-15 seconds rest
Finisher:
Repeat 5x
-1 minute single or double unders (AMRAP)
-30 seconds rest
Unfortunately, I kept losing count of everything. I think I did about 32 dead lifts and 30 burpees. I haven't got a clue about the jump-rope. I will tell you though, that's another reason for those knee socks. Those wire jump-ropes are Killer.
I always thought it was just some cute thing that they did, but no! I wish I'd been wearing tall socks today when I learned how to do dead lifts. Maybe then my shins wouldn't be black and blue. Jonathan managed to scrape his shin in the process even!
Today was a nice day at CrossFit though. I didn't even have any trouble convincing myself to get up and drive to the gym at 5:30 AM. The workout was as follows, and I can feel it in my abs.
Warm Up:
Repeat 4x
-20 seconds high knees
-10 seconds jumping jacks
 |
| I was a little less sophisticated in my execution. |
-10 seconds goblet squats (10lb kettlebell)
-20 seconds roaming plank
-10 seconds mountain climbers
-20 seconds regular plank
-10 seconds rest
Skill:
Learned how to do dead lifts.
WOD:
5 rounds
-AMRAP (as many reps as possible) dead lifts (I did 37lbs) in 45 seconds
-15 seconds rest
-AMRAP lateral burpees (I think that's what they called them. It's a burpee on one side of the barbell, and then jump sideways over the barbell for another burpee) in 45 seconds
-15 seconds rest
Finisher:
Repeat 5x
-1 minute single or double unders (AMRAP)
-30 seconds rest
Unfortunately, I kept losing count of everything. I think I did about 32 dead lifts and 30 burpees. I haven't got a clue about the jump-rope. I will tell you though, that's another reason for those knee socks. Those wire jump-ropes are Killer.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Get Back In The Game.
Well, let's see what's been going on lately.
The second half of last week was not really all that pleasant for me, being full of work and homework and generally feeling unhealthy and sad. The weekend saw me at Cedar Point with 3 coworkers and their friends/lovers though, so that was certainly a good way to have fun!
I found myself to be reserved and uncomfortable more often than I wanted though. I was hanging out with the most witty and fun people I know, and they were all having a brilliant time.. but somehow I was just stuck in the dark ages. On the upside, seeing the pure vitality of some of them has inspired me to redouble my efforts to be happy.
Top Moment of the Weekend:
-Riding in the backseat to the park, I was watching the autumn colors through the window, lost in thought. As usual, my expression was probably pretty stark and sad. Batman (Coworker K's guest) turned around from the passenger seat and asked how I was. That reminded me that I should probably be engaging with other humans instead of being introspective and I smiled at him in reply. The look on his face was the highlight of the weekend-he seemed genuinely overjoyed at my smile. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't the best moment because a man complimented my smile. It was brilliant because right then and there, I needed to be reminded that pure joy is not only possible, but infectious. I'll take that moment and let it keep me warm all winter. Someone was happy to see me happy.
Worst Moment of the Weekend:
-Coworker B took a really disgusting picture of me as I slept in the back of her car on the drive home. Gross.
I have met Batman several times before, usually at dance parties. I believe it was August when he challenged me to an "Ab Contest". Both of us are doing our darndest to achieve a six pack by Halloween. It will be judged publicly by the crowd at the Halloween Bang! in Ann Arbor later this month. I don't think I'm going to win, especially when he cooks us all things like stuffed french toast.
The second half of last week was not really all that pleasant for me, being full of work and homework and generally feeling unhealthy and sad. The weekend saw me at Cedar Point with 3 coworkers and their friends/lovers though, so that was certainly a good way to have fun!
I found myself to be reserved and uncomfortable more often than I wanted though. I was hanging out with the most witty and fun people I know, and they were all having a brilliant time.. but somehow I was just stuck in the dark ages. On the upside, seeing the pure vitality of some of them has inspired me to redouble my efforts to be happy.
Top Moment of the Weekend:
-Riding in the backseat to the park, I was watching the autumn colors through the window, lost in thought. As usual, my expression was probably pretty stark and sad. Batman (Coworker K's guest) turned around from the passenger seat and asked how I was. That reminded me that I should probably be engaging with other humans instead of being introspective and I smiled at him in reply. The look on his face was the highlight of the weekend-he seemed genuinely overjoyed at my smile. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't the best moment because a man complimented my smile. It was brilliant because right then and there, I needed to be reminded that pure joy is not only possible, but infectious. I'll take that moment and let it keep me warm all winter. Someone was happy to see me happy.
Worst Moment of the Weekend:
-Coworker B took a really disgusting picture of me as I slept in the back of her car on the drive home. Gross.
 |
| No wonder I'm single. |
 |
| This is what losing a fitness contest looks like. (Totally worth it.) |
Apparently the best workout (aside from walking around in freezing weather at Cedar Point for 12 hours) is dancing non-stop when you're in the privacy of your own room. You can get weird and really just rock the F* out. I will continue to work on that with the addition of all kinds of new music that I picked up from hanging out with so many cool people all weekend. I shall use this skill to develop my six pack. The winner of the contest gets... a six pack (of beer, obvi).
I really do need to get back to the CrossFit though. I feel like a slug for taking so many days off. It's a waste of an expensive Groupon if I keep slacking. I think once my month trial membership runs out though, I may just continue to work out at home (or try anyway). I really can't afford the financial stress of a $150 (!!!!!!) gym membership. Besides, once I learn how to do the moves, it seems like I can accomplish many of them at home. Next thing you know, I'll have Olympic weightlifting equipment in my living room next to the chaise lounge!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Nice Back Squat, Here's a Cookie.
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| Coworker "K" left me a note <3 |
Today I did not fail first thing in the morning! I got my sorry buns out of bed and went to CrossFit, even though it was raining and dark and I was at the lab until way after my bed time last night, working on grading student papers.
I felt good about the workout today even though I nearly gave up during the warm up since my body seemed to still be asleep and only interested in bumbling over ropes, boxes, and kettlebells instead of going where I wanted it to.
At the moment, I'm completely undoing all the good work I did by inhaling some leftover Thai food and grading more papers. Coworker "K" is hosting a "Wine-ing and Debate" party tonight and I just know Coworker "B" made cookies and spinach tarts. I know about them because when I picked her up to carpool to work today after my workout, she gave me a cookie.
That leads me to today's Reason to work out: Because I can eat cookies if I want to and everyone who gives me a snooty "Oh, you eat refined sugar?" can back off -- I work out!
Today's workout was as follows:
Warm Up:
Repeat 3x
-High knees running in place for 20 seconds
-10 second rest-Air squats for 20 seconds
-Hold in squat position for 10 seconds
-Burpees for 20 seconds
-Hold in plank for 10 seconds
-Ball slams (I used 20lb) for 20 seconds
-Hold in squat (holding ball) for 10 seconds
Skills:
-Learned back squat technique using 22lb bar
WOD:
Repeat 3x for time
-Run/Row 400 meters
-20 back squats (I practiced my air squats, since I'm bad at them)
-21 pull-ups (I used bands, of course)
My time was 22:21 and I spent the last part of my workout both cheering on and being cheered by another one of the newbies, Jonathan.
I now feel like I can accomplish anything. Can't wait to go again tomorrow! (If I don't get too disenfranchised by the debates and drink all the wine.)
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Pizza: A Love Story
Just a short little blurb while I'm avoiding grading some of my students' papers.
I am currently a grad student, and so of course I'm at my office late on a Tuesday, casually correcting an absolutely uncouth number of citation errors.
Like many other young people seeking a graduate degree while working full time and supporting myself, I am truly and utterly destitute. Alas, when combined with attempting to possess a gym membership (Thanks, Groupon!) and eating nutritious foods, that lack of money leads to days like today. It's late, my morning didn't go well by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm feeling extra girly, and pouty, and broke.
The only solution to this is pizza. So I ate every cheese stuffed bite of the two pieces I brought to work with me today and I feel more like a grad student than ever! Sometimes I know it's necessary to do something 'nice' for myself and to give into my selfish need for carbs or chocolate, and that day was today.
So here's to you, pizza! I feel better about life now that I've wolfed you down and can taste you on my breath. The bad day seems a little better and I feel like I can tackle my own coursework after I'm done tearing apart the souls of underclassmen. Thanks <3
Depression comes in waves.
Wouldn't you know it, I'm riding the struggle bus again today. Set my alarm for 5 and wore my workout clothes to bed last night in an effort to facilitate going to CrossFit this morning. Alas, the alarm was set to ring on Wednesday morning, not Tuesday.
So that was lame. I once again have a ton of stuff to do today and I really wish things would have gotten off on the right foot.
When I got to work though, I listened to some "Eye of the Tiger" and determined that I was going to make today a great day despite that and that I would work super hard and feel good about the things I DID accomplish today.
Sometimes though, life makes it hard to keep things together. At my office, management laid off one of my coworkers. That is enough to put the fear of unemployment, poverty, uncertainty, and failure into a person. Now combine that with a disheartening email from a loved one and Voila! My good intentions fall to the wayside.
On the upside though, I'm blessed with some truly miraculous friendships. J is always here for me and has the patience of a Saint. He talks me down from proverbial ledges almost daily.
Today I had another friend on hand as well, one that I met through my Master's work. She sent me all sorts of helpful links for personal budgeting, and gave me good advice for some of my upcoming school assignments. Having a PLAN and resources to help me reach my goals are imperative for me feeling like I can cope with life's derailments.
So I made a list of things I need to accomplish tonight and things that I would like to accomplish tonight. Must stick to the plan...
The Reason today is: So I don't need to pay to see a therapist about these issues.
Here's hoping that when I get home later I find the wherewithal to do some crunches or something. I'll be embarrassed if I keep sucking at push ups too. I should probably attempt some.
This website is helpful for that: http://hundredpushups.com/
Another thing that my school friend helped me with today is that she redirected me back to http://www.myfitnesspal.com . I used to faithfully log my exercise and diet, but then I started eating out a lot and got lazy. I'm glad to go back though, because on days when I totally screw myself over by sneaking candy from K's desk at work, I can see exactly how many minutes I have to spend on my jankety old garage sale find, the stationary bicycle. I learned early on that doughnuts are NOT worth an extra half-hour on the Medieval torture device known as a bicycle seat.
So that was lame. I once again have a ton of stuff to do today and I really wish things would have gotten off on the right foot.
 |
| Accurate depiction of my day. |
Sometimes though, life makes it hard to keep things together. At my office, management laid off one of my coworkers. That is enough to put the fear of unemployment, poverty, uncertainty, and failure into a person. Now combine that with a disheartening email from a loved one and Voila! My good intentions fall to the wayside.
On the upside though, I'm blessed with some truly miraculous friendships. J is always here for me and has the patience of a Saint. He talks me down from proverbial ledges almost daily. Today I had another friend on hand as well, one that I met through my Master's work. She sent me all sorts of helpful links for personal budgeting, and gave me good advice for some of my upcoming school assignments. Having a PLAN and resources to help me reach my goals are imperative for me feeling like I can cope with life's derailments.
So I made a list of things I need to accomplish tonight and things that I would like to accomplish tonight. Must stick to the plan...
The Reason today is: So I don't need to pay to see a therapist about these issues.
Here's hoping that when I get home later I find the wherewithal to do some crunches or something. I'll be embarrassed if I keep sucking at push ups too. I should probably attempt some.
This website is helpful for that: http://hundredpushups.com/
Another thing that my school friend helped me with today is that she redirected me back to http://www.myfitnesspal.com . I used to faithfully log my exercise and diet, but then I started eating out a lot and got lazy. I'm glad to go back though, because on days when I totally screw myself over by sneaking candy from K's desk at work, I can see exactly how many minutes I have to spend on my jankety old garage sale find, the stationary bicycle. I learned early on that doughnuts are NOT worth an extra half-hour on the Medieval torture device known as a bicycle seat.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Monday Stole My Soul.
Well, it's Monday.
I had some big plans to wake up and go to the gym this morning since I knew I'd be at the office all night working on some Master's work. Alas, my feeble brain kept me awake ALL NIGHT and I was too exhausted by the time the alarm went off to go to CrossFit.
Now, that's bad enough for a Monday, but let's add on the fact that my body is revolting. Not as in "I look revolting", but as in "my uterus just decided to wage war against my abdominal muscles .. and it's winning!"
Along with a long long long day of looking at mold in the lab and a long long long evening of grading some of my students' papers, I'm thinking that by bedtime I may just need to kick back with a 2x4 to the face.
Fortunately, Reason Number 5 for working out is: So I can drink all the Captain's I want and not feel guilty about the calories.
With any luck though, tomorrow will be a nice reset. I'll go do my CrossFit in the morning and then rock out in the afternoon and take care of all my homework and work and student grading work and all the other things. Maybe I'll even go grocery shopping... maybe.
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| At my desk this morning. |
Now, that's bad enough for a Monday, but let's add on the fact that my body is revolting. Not as in "I look revolting", but as in "my uterus just decided to wage war against my abdominal muscles .. and it's winning!"
Along with a long long long day of looking at mold in the lab and a long long long evening of grading some of my students' papers, I'm thinking that by bedtime I may just need to kick back with a 2x4 to the face.
Fortunately, Reason Number 5 for working out is: So I can drink all the Captain's I want and not feel guilty about the calories.
With any luck though, tomorrow will be a nice reset. I'll go do my CrossFit in the morning and then rock out in the afternoon and take care of all my homework and work and student grading work and all the other things. Maybe I'll even go grocery shopping... maybe.
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