The Deep, Dark Night

Last night was not a good night. I stayed at the lab until 11 PM and managed to NOT accomplish what I was supposed to get done yesterday. The stress of being behind and fear of looming deadlines is lethal when combined with self-loathing from failure. It is compacted by me constantly acknowledging that I'm failing to do what I need to be doing... and yet not altering my lousy behavior.

Anyway, I got home last night feeling all frustrated and weepy and overly tired. I laid in my bed and wrote two Post-It notes of completely hateful things. I figured that I should probably look at them again with a slightly clearer head and slightly better mood and try to remind myself why my self-deprecation is flawed. I'm not entirely confident in my ability to debunk some of these thoughts, but I should probably try.

Post-It 1:
"Worst part of depression: knowing I could have done all the things I failed to do... easily. But didn't. I suck"
Well. Isn't that just marvelous? I was really disappointed last night that I wasted so much time and that I didn't go to the gym, and that I didn't rock and roll at work. I know that I'm beating myself up way more than is called for or justifiable. I know that I have it in me to be awesome, and while I let myself down constantly, it's worse for me to generate more self-loathing over that. I should forgive myself more and keep trying to be better.

Post-It 2:
No Wonder...
-I'm single
-I no longer have a 4.0
-I'm not seeing Results
-I scare/intimidate/freak out people
-Everyone thinks I'm fragile
-I am never good enough for anyone
-I hate myself
-I let people use/hurt me
-My family is sad 
-They all think I'm a mooch
-They don't want to try to help anymore
-I have tons of debt
-I never finish things
Once again, this is delightful. This is essentially a list of accusatory things about myself. As if I shouldn't be surprised by this list of things. My actions and thoughts and words all led me to these things being true (according to my last night self). As I sat on the bathroom floor feebly brushing my teeth and looking at my recently discarded clothes and the dust bunnies under the cabinet, I was thinking, "Look at you. No wonder your life is crap, you don't deserve better, and you don't do better, and you don't give yourself better, or let yourself have better. You choose to be a mess, and that's the worst sin of all."

No one needs to tell me how self-destructive those thoughts were/are. There's only one thing I can do about it, it seems to me. I have to try to prove myself wrong. If I have any progress with that, I'll be sure to announce it.

Step One, however, was not letting myself down this morning. This meant going to CrossFit and paying my December dues. I woke suddenly at 4:40 this morning, and it was the hardest fight I've ever had to get up and go work out. I had twenty minutes until the alarm, and I spent that time arguing with myself. Threatening, bribing, cajoling myself to get up. I wept and argued and pleaded right back, and in the end I don't even know which side of me won the fight. I just know that I was on my feet. I fought back tears as I hunted for some gym attire and once again glared daggers at myself while brushing my teeth; I didn't even bother with my hair.

I did make it to CrossFit though, and put on my smile for the people there who know me and are glad when I turn up. I worked hard and did my best not to hurt my back, even though I had to scale down a ton of the stuff we did in the WOD.

In the end, I found myself worrying that someday my charm will wear off, and the coaches won't think I'm trying anymore. Soon if I have to use bands, I worry that I won't be a newbie anymore, and that I'll be considered a tourist. I know this is foolish thinking. I know I'll keep trying hard and get better (even though I don't feel like it now.) I know it's the sadness talking.

I walked out of there feeling not totally good, but certainly better. There's a metric crap ton of stuff I need to do today instead of enjoying a Friday night, but I'm more prepared now. I'm also in the mental state now where I can make jokes at the office and sing rap songs in stupid voices or jam to The Safety Dance. I'm doing well enough now to hide how unwell I am.

As my best friend has told me for many years, sometimes when you don't feel it (confidence, usually), you have to fake it until it becomes real. Here's to you, my friend. And here's to today's Reason: because someday it will be real, I have to believe that.


Warm Up:
Ten Minutes
-500 Meter Row
-10 Inch Worms
-10 PVC Pass Throughs
-15 Birthday Burpees!
-10 Roaming Plank

Skill:
Rope Climbing

WOD:
Beast 12 for Time
-50 Walking Lunges
-20 Pull Ups
-50 Box Jumps (2 45lb Bumper Plates for me, jump up/step down, to avoid back injury)
-20 Double Unders
-25 Ring Dips (I did box Tricep Dips)
-20 Knees To Elbows
-30 KettleBell Swings (18lb, to avoid back injury)
-30 Sit Ups
-20 Hang Squat Cleans with Dumbbells (I did Medicine Ball Cleans - 14lb)
-25 Back Extensions
-30 Wall Balls (14lb)
-3 Rope Climbs (I did half-rope climbs from a box since Coach H didn't like the way my back was working. So I did 9 of these, as prescribed.)

Time: 24:51

Dang it

Didn't go to CrossFit today. I am very disappointed in myself. I let myself be overcome by stress as I lay abed this morning and instead of fighting through it, I suffered quietly alone. I had to text Coworker M and Coworker K to give me pep talks just to make it into the office today. 

There's something so daunting about seeing your to-do list and knowing that you're not going to make it. How do you keep from letting yourself down when you know the only way the day will end is with disappointment and panic? 

Plugging away today, trying to accomplish things and pick up slack since last night I didn't finish everything I was supposed to do YESTERDAY either. I managed to get new car insurance and plan out how to pay my tuition next month, so that's a plus. Also surreptitiously working on an infographic for a school project in between mold and bacteria samples at the lab. Multitasking for the win? 

Tonight after I force myself to work (dang it) until everything is done, I'm rewarding myself with a sleepless night (wait, what?) and going to see a friend play on a hockey beer league at 11:30 PM. Perhaps I'll manage a bit of sleep before CrossFit tomorrow. Either way, I have to pay my dues for December, because you know what? I'm not giving up. 

Today's Reason: because at dinner last night, my friend reminded me that I've got a long way to go, and that the only way to get there is by fighting for it... otherwise I won't respect myself. If I can't respect myself, why would anyone else respect me? 

Really Back

I went to the doctor on Monday evening and described my pains. Apparently, back pain that impacts breathing is something to be worried about, especially in a healthy, thin, young person. Go figure. So the doctor checked me for kidney stones and drew some blood and did an EKG test to hear if maybe I've got a clot stuck somewhere and risking pulmonary embolism. So far I haven't heard back from the blood test, but everything else seemed alright. 

The doctor ended up giving me some literature about muscle spasms and a vague notion that perhaps it's the muscles in between my ribs, not necessarily my back muscles causing the problem ( I believe him, since when I poke my back muscles, they don't really hurt). He gave me a big shot of pain meds right in my fluffy little derriere and a prescription for some pain pills and another for muscle relaxers. So far, the leg numbness has persisted as well as the back pain. 

Yesterday I got an email from the CrossFit coaches. I know they probably do that for anyone who misses a week of classes, but it was nice to be reminded that they were thinking of me.  I told them what was up and they said to come on over and we'd modify the workouts so that way I can feel like I'm getting my money out of my membership. I missed them.

So then it fell to me. The doctor had helpfully suggested that I shouldn't work out if it is hurting me, but I remembered last week when my back was bothering me, the workout wasn't hurting me as much as laying down was. In fact, most of the time, the pain happens when I'm twisting, not when I'm doing straight forward movements, so I thought I'd give it a go today and see if I could.

As it turns out, nothing we did today hurt me at all except for when I was trying to stand up from the Push Up positions during the sprints. The weird contortion I use to get to my feet is probably pretty goofy looking.

Warm Up:

No time to sit and smell the flowers!

For 10 Minutes
-500 Meter Row
-15 V-Ups
-20 Sit Ups
-15 PVC Pass Throughs
-50 Single Unders

Skill:
Worked on KettleBell form as a group.

WOD:
Death By = Continue doing an equal number of reps as the minute count until you can't complete the requisite number during one minute. Example:
0:00 - 1:00 do only one rep.
1:01 - 2:00 do only two reps.
2:01 - 3:00 do only three reps.
3:01- 4:00 do only four reps.
etc.

-Death By 10 Meters (10 Meter Sprint beginning and ending in Push Up position.)
and
-Death By Wall Balls (14#)

I did seven sprints and capped wall balls at 16. 


Overall, I'm very perplexed about my body. The pain is still there. I can feel it, and now I'm coughing where I wasn't before and I'm not sure if it is because I hoovered up some debris while on my stomach at the gym or if my lungs are now getting involved in the problem. I guess doing exercise properly doesn't cause me pain though? What the hell?

That brings me to today's Reason: Because I have a mysterious pain/potentially lethal clot/ muscle spasms... but I still wasn't the slowest in the WOD. I'm getting stronger. 

Back Back Back

I haven't been to the gym in nearly a week. Over the holidays my back grew steadily worse, keeping me awake every night and impairing my breathing constantly...  My left leg is even going numb in places sporadically. I'd made up my mind to go to the doctor today and guess what? My back is much improved. Crazy how that happens!

I'll still go in though, I want to get an all clear that CrossFit isn't going to exacerbate the problem. Had a friend poke my back a bit on Saturday and the pain didn't appear to be coming from my back muscles, but more inside, another friend suggested that perhaps I have an infection in my bronchial tubes or something.

I can still feel the spot that was bothering me, but I'm hoping that it's healing. I really miss going to the gym and I've felt like the biggest loser by skipping it the past several days, despite the holiday. It just feels like excuses and coupled with a lingering fear that I'm not 'bringing it', I'm a bit disappointed with my first official month of CrossFit. I need to do better.

Slug

This weekend was what I like to call a throwback to 2010. I spent the entire weekend at a friend's house, cooking and drinking. It was a great respite from all the school work lately, but I missed going to the gym. SO I did a brief living room based workout while she cooked chicken divan!

-50 Squats
-100 Sit Ups
-50 Double Under Attempts. (My shins look fantastic!)
-25 Jack Knives
-25 Mountain Climbers
-50 Flutter Kicks

My back is still giving me some trouble. It's been kinda tweaking when I'm laying down for the past 3 weeks or so, but today it was just killing me. Sometimes the spot that it hurts causes me to be short of breath, which is what happened today. While I was using the foam roller and tennis ball to try to work it out, I had the most peculiar feeling that my collar bone was about to snap in half! Overall, the back pain was distracting. 

This is where it hurts. :(

It didn't hurt particularly during this morning's workout, but in general when I was up moving around. It's weird. Anyway, I took it nice and gentle during the WOD, but I am kinda disappointed. I hate walking out of there feeling like I didn't give it my all... even when I'm hurting.

Warm Up:
For Ten Minutes
-1 Minute High Knees
-15 Burpees
-10 PVC Bar Pass-Throughs
-25 Sit Ups
-5 Roaming Plank

Skill:
Ring Supports 3 times 30 seconds holding.

WOD:
AMRAP in 20 Minutes
-250 Meter Row
-21 Sumo Deadlift (22lb didn't hurt my back when I was using proper form, so I went with it.)
-15 Ring Dips (I did tricep dips from a box.)


I thought about going to LaVida Massage down the street from my office, but that's money that I don't need to waste. I'll set it aside for my December dues for CrossFit. I've got unfinished business with that gym.

That leads me to my next thing. I feel like I've been going regularly all this month, and from time to time I feel stronger, but I don't think I look any different. Friends keep asking how much weight I've lost or if I'm getting skinnier (not in the "OMG, have you lost weight?!" kind of way but in the "How's that working out for you over there? Lose any weight yet?"), but I don't feel any different, and I don't look any different. 

Sadly, depressed me keeps looking in the mirror and thinking how gross I am. That leads me to today's Reason: Because I need to learn patience and persistence. 

Pre-Weekend Sweat Cleanse

Did not make it to CrossFit yesterday morning. My alarm went off as usual, but I was completely disoriented. I jumped to turn it off and my back announced loudly that I could go bugger myself if I wanted to go to the gym. 

I did want to go to the gym. 

I figured that if my body was being such a jerk about it though, it was probably a sign that I needed a rest day. I forced myself to stay in bed two more hours to rest. Sleep would have been welcome, but instead, there I lay, wishing I was doing CrossFit! I'm glad I stayed in though, and made my body relax for a while. It seems like it's been a long time since I slept in. (7 AM is sleeping in? Surely this is Hell.) 

I took the time to get dolled up before work yesterday too, since I went out to dinner with a new friend (sushi!) and wanted to be slightly cleaner than usual. All day I was bummed about not going to the gym, but I didn't feel guilty or beat myself up about it. It was more like when you really want ice cream but you don't get to DQ until 5 minutes after they close. 

Yesterday I also joined the facebook group for CrossFit and made friends with the owners/coaches. Coach C today told me that she didn't even recognize me from my profile picture, haha! Coach J complimented this blog! I am not going to lie, I may have got a tear or two when I thought that these people care about my success. 

I think I can safely say that I wouldn't be doing so well if it weren't for the great people at CrossFit <3

This morning I got back on track, the box wasn't as busy as it has been and I thought it went really well. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
Tabata x3
:20 Jack Knives
:10 Plank
:20 Mountain Climbers
:10 Plank
:20 Lunges
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Lunges
:10 Rest
Skill:
Really worked on form for Power Snatches and Overhead Squats (not my strong suit).

WOD:
21-18-15-12-9
-Power Snatch (22lb) 
-Wall Balls (12lb and then 14lb)
-Knees to Elbows

Time: 19:25

Coach H said that my Snatches were awesome today. (teehee, I'm a dork.) I felt really good about my form and as if I were actually doing it properly for the first time. 

For my Wall Balls Coach C (or rather Coach K, now that I know how to spell her name) had me squatting first on a box, and then on a stack of bumper plates and a medicine ball. She also told me "no more 12 pound balls". She's right. I was being a sissy! I felt good with the 14 pound and added an extra round of 9 on using it. 

I was also told that my knees to elbows were looking good today. Generally, while my arms and chest feel rather nonplussed right now, I was really fond of the workout today. 

Unfortunately, Coworker B brought in donuts from the Looney Baker. I ate one. This motivational video that someone posted in the CrossFit Facebook group comes to mind as I savor a spiced donut in my coffee: 

I have to wonder, do I want to be healthy and reach my goals (I WILL do a pull up, darn it! Eventually I'll do a Muscle Up too!) and more importantly, feel happy and content with myself more than I want anything else? Yes. 

More than I wanted this donut? Yes. 

Will I have a donut tomorrow? No. 

That brings me to today's Reason:  Because I have never wanted anything as badly as I want to feel happy and proud of myself and manage to do things I never thought I could accomplish. 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Smiling

Warm Up:

I was smiling, unlike this woman.

Tabata x3
:20 High Knees
:10 Rest
:20 Ball Slams (20lb)
:10 Plank
:20 Burpees
:10 Plank
:20 Burpees
:10 Rest
:20 Ball Slams
:10 Rest

Skill:
Stretches and more stretches. Also core work.
-1 Minute Plank
-1 Minute L-Hang
-1 Minute V-Ups
-1 Minute Handstand/ Wall Climb (Holding)

WOD:
50-40-30-20-10
-KettleBell Swings (20lb)
-Sit Ups

Finisher:
Choose One
-3x 250 Meter Row with 30 second rest between 
or
-3x 1 Minute Max Double Unders


Today's Reason: Because today as I pounded out the entire WOD without having to take a rest, it occurred to me that I'm getting Stronger, and because smiling my way through the rest of the KB Swings and Sit Ups felt ridiculously rewarding. 

Noms, Workouts, and Deep Thoughts. All Scattered.

Managed to make myself go grocery shopping last night, so for I've got some decent food in the house for a change! Also having dinner with N & D. I'm super excited for pulled pork tacos! Last night I made some egg salad for dinner and will be having leftovers for lunch today. Instead of mayo, I used an avocado this time around. It's delicious! But enough about food. Hit the gym this morning.

Warm Up:
Tabata x2
:20 Mountain Climbers
:10 Plank
:20 Lateral Squats
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Lateral Squats
:10 Rest
:20 Knee to Chest Jumps
:10 Rest

Skill:
Learned Squat Clean (22lbs, separated into Power Clean and squatting on a box. Ouch.)

WOD:
21-15-9
1 Minute Rest
9-15-21
-Squat Clean
-Ring Dips (I did box dips)
-Row (for Calories)

Finisher:
Another Round of 21-15-9 (Yeah, I didn't get this far.)

After dinner last night I sat quietly and did a lot of deep thinking. Realized as I was trying to talk to some of my friends that they're not really the right type of friends to have certain conversations with.  This is my problem, trying to force things, or forgetting that the reality in my head doesn't match the reality of the world. 

Last night I was pretty blue, and my natural first instinct in that case is to get my Captain's on. Last night though it occurred to me that I've been drinking a lot less lately. I may have a drink every few days, but I rarely finish it. I think fitness is replacing my love of alcohol. It's also changing my appetite. Another thing I'm going to let fitness change is my frivolity. 
No more frivolous spending (said no to a cute dress on clearance because even for the price, I couldn't think of a good reason to buy it)
No more frivolous nights of procrastination
No more frivolous words
No more frivolous affairs or friendships

Awww, memories!

Just have to be more impeccable in my actions. Promoting Love, Honor, and Truth in my life. (As lame as that may sound.) I was pretty depressed for a while in college (I in fact don't remember much of my sophomore year because I was so sad and reclusive and for part of the time, medicated and dissociative. 

While my boyfriend at the time and other friends made fun of me for joining a sorority, I look back on it as the best decision I made in college. Then again, at my small liberal arts school, the tiny Phi Mu chapter was not what comes to mind when one imagines Greek life. Anyway, I came out of my shell and made some of my closest and best friends through Phi Mu. I took the words to heart and meant them every time I said them (with the exception of acknowledging one omnipotent God.) I think I'm a better person because of my time there, and if the Creed got me through back then, maybe I should reference it more often these days. 

To lend to those less fortunate a helping hand.
To think of God as a protector and guide of us all.
To keep forever sacred the memory of those we have loved and lost.
To be to others what we would they would be to us.
To keep our lives gentle, merciful and just,
Thus being true to the womanhood of love.

To walk in the way of honor, guarding the purity of our thoughts and deeds.
Being steadfast in every duty small or large.
Believing that our given word is binding.
Striving to esteem the inner man above culture, wealth or pedigree.
Being honorable, courteous, tender,
Thus being true to the womanhood of honor.

To serve in the light of truth avoiding egotism, narrowness and scorn.
To give freely of our sympathies.
To reverence God as our Maker, striving to serve Him in all things.
To minister to the needy and unfortunate.
To practice day by day love, honor, truth.
Thus keeping true to the meaning, spirit and reality of Phi Mu.

 Looking at this post, I'm pretty disjointed today. I think my mind must still be wading through seas of deep thoughts. 

Discussion with BFF J today made it clear that I  need to stop investing myself in areas that take me away from what I want. I already  knew this, of course, but he makes it sound so easy. It makes me think that I can do it (for at least a few minutes.) That brings us to today's Reason: Because it's all within my control, and I can choose to do what makes me happy instead of choosing to let myself down. 

Saturdays are for Resting (etc.)

Took Saturday off from Crossfit this week. I figured I needed to take at least one day off a week for a rest day.  I met up with a friend though and we started making plans to write a book about fitness for people like us, lol.  I think we could be rich!

Back to the box on Sunday though, since it was my cousin's first time. Well, she's an avid crossfitter, but this was her first time at my gym, thanks to that Groupon offer from last month. Here's Sunday's workout:

Warm Up: 
"Air Helen" x 4 Rounds
-400 Meter High Knees
-21 Ghost KettleBell Swings
-12 Arm circles

WOD:
We made teams of three for the WOD today. One person on each activity until person #1 finished their Wall Climbs. AMRAP in 21 Minutes.
Person #1 - 10 Wall Climbs
Person #2 - Rowing until Person #1 relieved them to go do Walking Lunges.
Person #3 - Walking Lunges until Person #2 relieved them to go do Wall Climbs. 

We got four good rounds in, but I know I had more in me if I'd had the time!

Finisher:
-Max Hold Squat Bottom 
Rest 1 Minute
-Max Hold Plank

I held each for around a minute, but my cousin is a bamf and held her plank for like 4 or 5 minutes!

I just like this.

This morning the gym was back down to being relatively empty, I guess the boom of last week was just temporary. Here's how we rocked it:

Warm Up:
Tabata 1 Round
:20 Jumping Jacks
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Air Squats
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Ball Slams (20lb)
:10 Rest
:20 Ball Slams

Skill:
Shoulder Press/Push Press for beginners like me and Push Jerk and Split Jerk for the more confident and skilled folks.

WOD:
AMRAP in 20 Minutes
-10 Shoulder 2 Overhead (We could choose Shoulder Press/Push Press/Push Jerk/ Split Jerk) (I did Push Press 32#)
-5 Burpee Pull Ups (No bands for this, if unable to do Pull Ups (like me!), used a box to jump up to position.)
-25 Double Unders (or 100 Single Unders) (I am SO CLOSE to a DU!!!)

Coach H said that my jump rope form is looking awesome, and so it's just my timing I need to work on. During our 20 minute workout at the office today, I'm going to jump back in (lol, literally) and try to get that DU. I WANT IT. 


That leads us to today's Reason: Because I like catching myself thinking things like, "I could totally get more weight up, and I should probably go do some push ups when I get home" because I am looking forward to being better and not focused on looking a certain way. 

Break Down

Nope. Not working, sorry. 

Yesterday was not what I would call a good day. Unexpected problems sprung up before I even got out of bed in the morning, and my mood was pretty bleak. Went to work and discovered that I was too stressed to cope with other people and so went home at about 9:30 AM. 

I went to my apartment, where I've barely spent any time the past few months, and baked some bread. I sat quietly and read a book. I didn't worry about the outside world at all after the repair men finished fixing my heat. I just tuned out and went away for a while. I did make it to CrossFit at 4:30 PM however, and I'm glad I went. It's like I needed some catharsis. 

Warm up:

10 Minutes of This
-30 Seconds Battle Rope
-250 Meter Row
-20 Roving Planks
-30 Second Hang From Bar
-80 Mountain Climbers

Skill:
-Dead Lift (52lb)

WOD:
11th hour
11-10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
-Chest To Bar Pull Ups (bands)
-Dumbbell Push Press (10lb)
-Kettlebell Sumo Dead Lift (20lb)

Finisher:
3x 1 minute plank with 30 second rests between.

I didn't keep track of my time, but it wasn't too long. Maybe 16 minutes or so. 

This morning I had to gird my loins (???) and start all over again. It was tempting to continue not going to work today and just get the weekend started already, but I had to go to CrossFit anyway, and there was homework waiting for me at the Lab, so I got up. I think yesterday was like taking a break in the middle of a WOD, kinda like what we did today. I was exhausted and stressed and couldn't go on, so I took a breather and broke the process down into smaller pieces. Here's today's workout: 

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
:30 Second Plank
-40 Lateral Jumps
-300 Meter Row
-20 Ball Slams (20 lb)
-25 Sit Ups
:30 Battle Ropes


Skill:
Front Squats (22lb)

WOD:
21-15-9
-Burpees
-Front Squats
2 Minute Rest
9-15-21
-Front Squats
-Burpees 

22:30 was my time and this workout concluded my first 5 straight days of CrossFit. I know my body needs to rest more often than I let it this week, because my legs REFUSE to do burpees anymore and left me laying on the floor for about ten minutes today. I just had to keep getting that high this week. The endorphin flood was the only highlight of my life for the past few days. 

Today's Reason: Because it's actually pretty easy to get up and go, so why not? 

No Excuses

Awoke at 6:15 this morning. Too late to go to CrossFit. I sat in bed for a minute pissed at myself for not setting my alarm properly last night. I wasn't hating on myself for missing it, but I was really disappointed, since I had been looking forward to going. So I thought, "Why not just go anyway?". I was too slow to make the 7 AM class, but I could do the 8 o'clock! My boss said she didn't mind if I was a bit late to work since my company is much preferable when I've been to CF and am cheerful instead of gloomy. 

Coach H. had me ring the bell for personal best when I told her about lifting my Oly bar overhead yesterday and she applauded me for showing up to class even after sleeping late. 

Warm Up

My brother made me a present <3

4 Rounds
:20 Seconds High Knees
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Squat Jumps
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Plank
:10 Rest
:20 Burpee
:10 Plank
:20 Burpee

Skill:
Shoulder Press (27 lb, nothing exciting.)

WOD:
25 Minute Ladder
-100 Meter Row/Run
-10 Push Ups
-10 KettleBell Swings (20lb)
-200 M Row/Run
-20 Push Ups
-20 KB Swings
-300 M Row/Run
-30  Push Ups
-30 KB Swings
etc...

I did four complete rounds and then another 15 push ups. 

Today is getting crazy, with ups and downs. I'm so glad that working out keeps me level headed. I don't know how I'd cope with shit hitting the fan if I didn't have some tiny measure of control. Thank goodness I didn't make any excuses and hit the gym this morning, otherwise I'd be crying under my desk this afternoon. 

Control

It seems like there's not all that much I can control in my life these days. I can however be in charge of whether or not I go to the gym. So this morning saw me up at 4:55 AM waiting on my alarm to tell me it's time to go to CrossFit. It was super crowded today, and it was a little difficult for everyone to find space to get their work in, but we made it happen! 

Warm Up:

3 Rounds

:20 Double Unders

:10 Rest

:20 Ball Slams (15lb)

:10 Squat Bottom (I used a weight for balance again. It is working well!)

:20 Ball Slams

:10 Rest

:20 Single Unders

:10 Rest

Skill:

Learned Clean & Jerk (32lb) 

WOD:

3 Rounds for Time

-50 Double Unders or 200 Single Unders

-40 Sit Ups

-30 Medicine Ball Cleans

-20 Pull Ups

-10 Hand Stand Push Ups (or in my case, box assisted regular push ups) 

No finisher as we ALL ran out of time before the 7 AM class came in. I felt like a beast though. This was the most rigorous workout we've had in a while! Love it. Coach C is hilarious too, and I do so much enjoy going over there in the morning, even when it's frozen and dark outside and there's no coffee to be found. 

Not sure what my face was doing, but the rest of me was rocking out. 

At the office, I decided to give my Olympic barbell a go. I've never managed to get it overhead before, but today I've done it five times! Feeling so good. 

Today has been a good day. Stress is being managed, and I am cautiously optimistic for and accepting of whatever the future may bring. Beauty and love keep me going sometimes. The tiny things like seeing a barbell on a man's shoulders, or clean sheets or roasted garlic. I do it for those moments. I keep moving and trying because being lucky enough to know people who make you breathless is the best thing about life. I'm blessed with knowing some of the most amazing people and they inspire me every single day. 

That brings us to today's Reason: Because for every beautiful person I know and love and look up to, there's a specific, beautiful part of me that earns their friendship and devotion. 

Eye of the Storm

Judging by the fretful sideways glances I'm getting from my coworkers, I must not be containing my stress as well as I thought I was. This weekend everything kinda fell apart. Money problems, boy problems, school problems. ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Not to mention, the heat wasn't working in my apartment. 

It all just kinda came together to shut me down for a while. Fortunately, I still managed to kick some butt, getting help on my abysmal squats from a friend on Saturday was cool. I think the CrossFit coaches being afraid to touch me or invade my personal space is what was keeping me from really being able to get into squat position and feel what it's supposed to be like. As it turns out, my flexibility is fine, it's my balance that kills me. Holding a dumbbell in front of me while squatting allows me to not fall over while keeping proper form. I blame my tatas for my inability to have a center of gravity in a reasonable place. 

So anyway, felt good about that, especially at CF this morning. In fact, the coaches said my squats looked so much better that I should be doing power snatches like a big girl and not the hang snatch. Fine with me! I only banged myself up a little, and overall I felt really good about today's workout. I wish I could stay at the gym all day. The endorphin rush from the workout is causing some queer side effects though. I know I'm stressed out about a paper (due tonight!) but I feel too good to be stressed. I can't tell if I'm really calm though or if I'm just in the eye of the storm. 

The boy problems got me to thinking some pretty lousy thoughts about myself over the weekend, and my old recurring fantasy about burning my body in a fire has been lurking around again today. I guess that probably means something, but I try not to dwell on it too much.

It all comes down to "What do I want?" 

I say one thing and do another. I want what I can't have. I let myself down by  not living up to my own (relatively low) standards. It makes me think that perhaps I've got a lot more stuff to sort out inside my head and heart. Depression follows too closely on the heels of indecision and disappointment. As much as it kills me, and as much as loneliness contributes to my sadness sometimes, it's becoming more and more clear to me that I should probably be alone for a very long time so I can sort myself out. 

But I digress. CrossFit was super busy this morning. Lots of people taking advantage of the most recent Groupon, I suppose. It was strange to see so many new faces! It's easy to make friends there though, as everyone hates burpees just as much as I do, and you can bond with anyone over the disappointment of putting your outdoor shoes on before your pants. 

Warm Up:

2 rounds
-250 Meter Row
-15 PVC Good Mornings
-15 PVC Pass-Thrus
-15 PVC Power Snatch
-20 Squat (I held a dumbell to counter-balance)
-20 Lateral Jumps

Skill:
-Learned Power Snatch and can do it properly! (22lb)

WOD:
4 rounds
AMRAP in 4 minutes
-5 Power Snatch (22lb)
-10 Box Jumps (2 45lb bumpers instead of a scary box. The coaches baby me something awful. I must look like a wimp.) 

I did 3-4-4-5, pushing myself extra hard on the last round. It seems like an easy workout, but those box jumps tire you out so fast! This was my first time doing them. Fortunately, my friend from Saturday also worked with me on box jumps, rowing, and lunges. 

Saturday  night, I went with that friend to a bonfire where there was a 10 pack of Taco Bell, Glühwein (fortified with Captain's!), and cupcakes. I ate none of it, and am proud of myself. Can't quite get over my lingering regret about the cupcakes though... they had apple filling. I also had a long conversation about my goal of giving up drinking in 2013. My friend asked, "Why wait? If you can't quit now, you won't be able to quit in January either." Truthfully, I love me some drinking. I really do, and everyone knows this about me. So I'm thinking of altering my resolution to drinking only one drink a week, and it better be a fantastic drink. 

Today's Reason:  Because I'd rather sweat and bleed than want to burn my body in a fire, and I'm certain it's healthier. 

Now it's back to hunting up some delicious looking recipes, since my monetary failure this weekend has left me eating only rice until Friday. 

Randy Snatches

Went back to CrossFit this morning! Met some new friends and saw some old friends. Worked hard and kept the chin up despite my persistent trouble with squats of any kind. It's hard sometimes dealing with the frustration of not being able to do the things that other people can. 

Snatch.

2 rounds
-250 Meter Row
-10 Pull Ups
-15 Push Ups
-20 Sit Ups
-20 Squats
-20 Mountain Climbers

Skill
Learned Power Snatch and Hang Snatch

WOD
"Randy" and "Karen"
-75 Power Snatches (I did 75 Hang Snatches with the 22 lb Bar in 5:15)
-150 Wall Balls (I did 30 Wall balls, 70 squats with the ball, and 50 Wall Ball Sit Ups all with the 4lb ball)

Last night when I went to pick up my shoes and pay my dues, the owners of the gym were delighted to see me, hugs abounded and I was given a really great deal on the shoes and student discounted membership. 

These are my new shoes, the Reebock CrossFit Nano 2.0. 

Coach had me do some squats and burpees in them at the gym last night.(In my work clothes. Burpees have never looked so sexy as in my sensible turtleneck and slacks.)  They felt good and when I wore them this morning, I was pretty impressed by how different it was. My old Brooks Ariels were so extremely supportive and cushioned that I barely felt the ground during my workouts and had very little foot mobility.

Got lots of extra help on my squats this morning and Coach C gave me some mobility exercises to do in my free time and told me to maybe look into a knee brace. At the end of the workout she gave me a big hug. 


It's really hard to stay home in bed when you feel like going to the gym in the morning is a reward. That's today's Reason:  Because when other people are proud of me, I'm proud of me too. 

Not For Me

I haven't been able to work out this week. I can't do it for me it seems. I just don't care about myself enough to give myself the reward of an endorphin flood, self-confidence, and bad-assery. 

What I CAN do, as it turns out, is torture others. Coworker A has asked me to show her how to do some CrossFit moves (I'm going to take her Burpee V-Card!) so after work today we're going to do a mini workout as follows, borrowing from the WODs I did at CrossFit when I still had my Groupon.

Torturing other humans- my new skill: Halloween 2012

Warm Up:
3 Rounds
-10 Burpees
-20 Mountain Climbers
-20 Goblet Squats (20 lb)
-10 Burpees

Skill:
Double Unders
-1 Minute Ghost DU
-2 Minute SU
-1 Minute Ghost DU
-2 Minute DU (attempts)

WOD:
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1
-Kettlebell Swings (20lb)
-Dead Lift (45 lb)
-Sit ups
-Single/Double Unders

Finisher:
-50 Jackknives 
-50 Flutter Kicks

After our workout, I have to run over to CrossFit and buy another month's membership. It is apparent to me that I'm  not going to keep working out and feeling good if left to my own devices. Just look at the past week? Ugh. 

Getting some new training shoes thanks to my handy budget (Created with the help of YNAB), and then headed to the mall since I'm also out of makeup foundation. Ew. Wish me luck, the mall frightens me!