Lately I've had scores more good days than bad days, and I've been energetic and have thrown myself passionately into various projects that I've been working on, always finding the energy and enthusiasm for "one more rep" in this great WOD of life. (That sounded pretty stupid when I wrote it, but the longer I think of it, the more apt it seems.)
Then there's a day like today. Felt a little off this morning when I had to fight to get out of bed. Felt it when I didn't really want to make my shake this morning or clean up after myself or put on makeup. Felt it at work when listening to the chat around the office made me want to plug into music--music that today felt stupid and not very pleasing to the ear.
I got pissy with drivers on the road and I felt hollow when I paid for my gas at the corner store. I didn't want to eat any of the food I had for dinner (I wanted pizza instead!) and I didn't feel like doing the dishes or any of the things on my list. So I ate listelessly and felt nauseated and blah after my sandwich and salad. Then I watched a really shitty Christmas romantic comedy. Yes, in July.
As I sit on my couch and beat myself up for not doing all the things I wanted to accomplish today and for apparently losing the brilliant spark of motivation for my new fun endeavors, I realize that I'm in one of my downward cycles again.
I made it through the day, but I wasn't living. I was barely here at all.
Nikki said that we can't be productive and successful on Survival Days because we're focusing so hard on getting through the day. The effort it takes Depressed Patricia to maintain her relationships with other people is exhausting. My senses are brutalized by the ennui and I can't tell if I need someone to come help me or if that would make things feel worse. I just can't. I can't do anything, I can barely think.
Well, the only thought I do have is "why do I bother trying so hard when I'm always going to be struggling?"... I'd rather not think than see that one wander through my head.
So here's to the Survival Days. I am going to list the accomplishments I DID make today, despite regretting my decision to get out of bed this morning.
-Did my workout with Coworker M at lunch: P90X3 - Triometrics
-Did the Dishes even though I didn't want to
-Listened in on my Beachbody Team Cup Challenge conference call with the other coaches
-Went to work and got a few things done, even though I honestly can't remember being at the office at all
-Talked to long-lost friends
-Didn't eat ALL THE THINGS
-Tried a new recipe (failure)
And I wrote. I wrote to you, my anonymous supporters and friends and colleagues. And it helped.
As a great friend of mine once told me, "SMILE, and fake it until you make it".
