Low and then High

Yesterday and the day before were bad days. I slipped deep into the old distant depressed state, feeling like I was wrapped in cotton batting and unable to reach through to touch anything real. Not hungry, not sad really, but totally detached. 

Then yesterday I went out to the car to go pick up my man for a lunch date and a song came on the radio. Let me pause here and tell you that my Soul Sister/ best friend and I have this thing: we ask the "radio devil" to tell us what's in store or give us messages, then we hit the buttons randomly and see what song comes on. Sometimes it's funny, and sometimes it's eerily accurate. Other times, like yesterday, it's obviously my angels talking to me. 

Let me tell you one of the most important ways that Maine is different than Metro Detroit- you don't hear Eminem on the radio, ever. So it came as a surprise when I switched on the ignition and the first notes of "Lose Yourself" came over the airwaves. Not my favorite Eminem song, but you know how sometimes music just goes RIGHT into you? Well, I admit that I drove the 4 miles to my destination crying along to the soundtrack from 8 Mile. Not my proudest moment, but I'll tell you what, my angels were telling me to adjust my outlook about my life. 

You see, the day before yesterday I was looking for jobs, and I told the search engine that I have a Master's degree and the first job that popped up was "Dishwasher, Part Time". Well, that sucked. Later that afternoon, I went and talked to the owner of a local wine & craft beer store where a friend of mine works. When I left, it occurred to me that it's been seven years, and here I am looking at working in another booze store- just like I did right after college before finding my first "big girl job" down in the city. 

I'd come full circle... but I'm more poor now than I was when I worked at that gas station liquor store! BAM! Depression crushes me like a vice. Has the last seven years been meaningless? Has it really come back to this?

The main difference in me is that back then, I thought that my situation was a product of my degree not being the right one, and the 2008 economy being terrible. I felt trapped by things that were outside my control. NOW though, I know that it's all within my control. I could be successful at approximately 93747262987 things if I would just do something. 

Feeling trapped now is worse, because instead of blaming the situation, I can only blame myself. 

So let me bring it back around to my Eminem driving sob-fest. I've got a situation right now where I can't afford to "provide the right type of life for my family" but at the same time, this is an incredible opportunity for me! I'm not bogged down all day at a job I hate, and I have irons in the fire that CAN provide a better life for my family, if only I step up and do it (and not choke). Just as I wrote last week, this is a chance for me to embody the lifestyle I want, and probably a sign from above that I HAVE to do this now. It's no longer an option.

You're either 100% in or you're 100% out. So here's to being ALL IN. 

Picture of me immediately after getting fired- she looks like a badass.

These ideas effectively kicked me out of my low point and into a manic crafting episode, but I still think that's an improvement. 

So if you want to get into this with me, head over to YouTube and get ready to lose yourself.


PS. After Eminem, Tool came on, which is how I really know that my angels were speaking to me. The difference was that instead of a message going in, it was emotion trying to get out. Time to do some dance therapy.

Gotta get the yucky stuff out to make room for the good. 

Be an Athlete.

Last night I tagged along to watch my squeeze play soccer with the rec team from his office. He's not the ideal build of a soccer player, having a body almost ridiculously well suited to throwing heavy things, but he's a good athlete. He's always been a good athlete regardless of the sport, simply because he's athletic. He's got good lungs and strong legs and he's quick with coordination. 

Not all of us are so lucky.... but he shared with me a story about one of his coaches when he was a hammer thrower in college. That coach would always say "Be an athlete." 

It didn't matter if it was cross training or doing yard work, or just tripping over a pile of weights in the gym- he'd say "Be an athlete."

My sweetie used to say that to the high school kids that he coached on the track's throwing team. It doesn't matter if your body is built a certain way for a certain activity, you just treat your body like it's a powerful tool of an athlete.

That's something I've always wished to do, but held myself back due to my clubbed feet and limited mobility... but I too can be an athlete (she thought, as she tripped on the torn carpet on the stairs and slid down on her ass with majestic grace.) 

So anyway, here's to days spent in yoga pants (I swear they're not the same ones as yesterday...) where a few Sun Salutations make you sore, and you can't do the splits anymore... but you do the damn thing anyway, because you want to be an athlete. 

Involuntary Housewivery and Yoga Pants ALL DAY

Hello friends!

Lots of changes this past year. I had moved out to Maine to take a job in a big industrial laboratory company, and was dreadfully unhappy, but slowly paying off debts. I lived in Maine alone from January to August and did my best to improve my mindset, my health, and my wallet.

Moderate success. I did learn how to enjoy my home, and I dedicated a lot of time and effort to de-cluttering (KonMari style) and learning to really enjoy my space. I experienced some traumatic cat attacks when my precious feline companion decided that outdoor cats seen through windows = rip limbs off the female human in the house. I felt the elation of finally feeling like my man and I are on the way up- making enough money to pay double on student loans, having high-interest savings, vacation fund, plans for matrimony... and then I felt the stunning defeat of suddenly being told I don't have a job anymore. 

That's right, the company that moved me to Maine decided after only 11 months that they no longer wanted me to work for them, and as an At Will company, they didn't need to even tell me why. I suspect they can hire someone to do my job for less money.

I was shocked of course- I didn't see it coming at all, but when I walked out of the lab at 9 AM that day, the sun was shining and I felt JOY. I was relieved, just totally and utterly relieved that I never have to go back in that building again, and that I never need to do that job again. I hated it that much. 

So here I am, 2 months into my involuntary stay-at-home wifey-ness, without the ring. Fortunately the bills are getting paid, even though we aren't going to have all debts paid off by the end of 2017 the way we had planned. I've got a part time job at the mall, and my direct sales side-gig with Mary Kay, but the rest of the time I'm home.

Do you think I've been working out? Nope. Not at all. But I see the potential. I know I've been depressed since getting let go, despite the relief and joy associated with no longer being a microscope jockey and handling hazardous materials/chemicals/pathogens. I've been very dark and my energy levels have been low. The sun is out today though, and I'm wearing yoga pants, so any minute I could break into some sort of exercise! 

I've picked up some pet projects to keep me mentally occupied so I don't fall farther into this depression: I've been learning to use Instagram to promote my brother's business for him (he's a major Luddite), I've been making herbarium samples to start creating my own art, and I've been working on a novel. (I always said I wanted to be a writer... now I'm broke and drinking enough wine that it's basically true.) 

I've been neglecting my health though, and at 150 pounds, I'm no longer able to wear my nice clothes that I spent so much money on when I had a job. That's just a waste right there.

So it's time to battle my unemployed ennui with some good old fashioned exercise! I got a Fitbit for Christmas, so at least now I can see in vivid detail just how sedentary I am. My sweetie told me yesterday that I have made a nest on the chaise in the upstairs office. 











I cannot deny it.

I'm still enough that wildlife has colonized me.

All I accomplished today was hiding my credit cards so that I don't submit to the seductive siren's song that is Amazon while the man's at work. Oh, and I walked to the mailbox. 


Today I decided to make the best of this situation. Housewivery will be my greatest skill. The house is clean, there is some outstanding pulled pork fresh out of the crockpot, and squished flowers drying over the gas heater that I'm going to art the shit out of. 
Stay tuned for tales of me getting my life back! Possibly even my perfect waist/hip ratio.