Alone.

Life is hard. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that no one is going to help you. It doesn't matter how much of a nice person you are, or that you remembered to follow-up on your friends' issues with thoughtful texts, calls, and cards. It doesn't matter that you smile extra at cashiers and waiters who seem to be having bad days. It doesn't matter that you spend your lunch break looking up appropriate snacks to serve to your boyfriend's beer-league softball team.

At the end of the day, even if you're the best person you're capable of being, it still doesn't guarantee that anyone is going to lend you a hand. If you can't take care of yourself, you've got nothing.

It's tempting when in a relationship, or when talking to your loving family and friends, to forget that it's up to you to be happy and do your laundry and save the world and be a good daughter and look pretty and be fit and brush your teeth and cook real food and stay up-to-date on current events and form meaningful, well researched opinions about the world. You think to yourself, "I've got back up in case I need it". 

But they can't bathe you when you're too sad to take care of yourself. They can't teach you when you are too self-absorbed to learn. They can't clean your home or braid your hair for you before school. They can't change their plans or their lives to be there for you. No one else can check behind the doors when you come into your room to make sure there are no monsters hiding in the closet. No one else can make you look at the day for its possibilities instead of its disappointments. 

Even if they wanted to, they can't be there for you all the time. Some sorry, sad, crappy days you're going to be alone. You'll have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps because there's simply no one there to do it for you, even if you did spend $20 on cupcakes for the office this week. 

You're not entitled to a good life, or help, or even compassion. You do have the ability to furnish yourself with them however. You have the ability to give yourself the gift of health, if not wealth. You have the ability to give yourself love and tenderness and consideration even when you don't think you deserve it. You have the ability to gift yourself with acceptance and patience and knowledge and adventure every single day. 


Today, I could just about cry. I want my mum. I want someone to come make me a bowl of soup and tuck me in. I want to not feel fear and stress about what's coming up in my life. I want someone to call out to me when I'm taking a bath, just to make sure I'm ok. I want someone to make my bed for me and bring me a cup of Vernors for my nausea. I want to have what I can't have anymore because I'm a grown up. 

I'm a grown up. Instead of those things, I'll have an evening of getting things done that I need to accomplish. I'll put how lousy I feel on the back burner and get home when I can. I'll take care of myself because I'm the only one who can. 

Keep Calm and WOD On

Central *B*East!

The Central East CrossFit Regional competition was AMAZING. I had hoped that the experience would give me some motivation to return to my own box and get my WOD on again, but it was so much more than that!

It was a breath of fresh air to be surrounded by people who were as passionate about CF as I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm some super CrossFitter, but I am enthusiastic about it even when I'm an outsider. The truth is, it was really comforting to be around people who weren't rolling their eyes at me every time I mentioned how excited I was. It felt like being in a support group--a balm for my frayed nerves. 

Photo Courtesy of "Marnie", my roommate's CF friend.

I've mentioned a hundred times that I loved doing CrossFit because of the community I had at my gym. Well, being at the Regionals was that times 4000! There were families there--husbands and wives and babies and young children and teens and grand parents. There was a sense of festivity as people gathered around coolers full of Paleo snacks and games athletes wandered the stands to say hello to their compatriots in matching affiliate gear. Whole stands full of people cheered to help competitors get One. More. Rep. and yet the whole arena was intimate enough to catch extremely vivid, up close (I'm talking six feet here) glimpses of Rich Froning's sweaty six pack. 


Along with going to the Games, I also contacted Rogue to talk to them about the creation of a garage gym. They invited me to swing by their warehouse which was only 4 miles from the Games down in Columbus. The Roomie and I headed over there and in addition to giving us some insight into what we could accomplish in our own space, the young man helping us also offered to let us into The Rogue Gym. It's a private box that is used by the best local competitors, and it was super cool to be in there, especially since there was no one else around and it felt all secret-y and cool! 

Here I am discussing how very slippery those bars can be in front of the iconic wall. 

And some Yeungling. My trip to Ohio = Better than yours.

My roomie also decided to throw down some cash to get our home gym started and we left Columbus with a set of bumper plates, made in the USA!
-3 sets of 10lbs
-1 set of 15lbs
-1 set of 25lbs
-1 set of 45lbs

We also got some steel plates in 2.5 and 5lb weights. 


Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've got a new lease on life, so to speak. I'm re-energized and my enthusiasm is creeping into my everyday life, annoying the heck out of my coworkers. So I made some big choices. I need to get back to CrossFit and there are some very specific things that have to happen in order for this to be possible:

-Sleepovers: First and foremost, there's the whole problem of me not going to the gym on nights I stay at the boy's place or on mornings when he's staying with me. I don't think anyone alive could have the willpower to leave such expert cuddling at 5 AM.  The solution for this problem has been to set up a strategic schedule with "A" in order for us to still feel like we spend time together, but to allow me to get my WOD on. 

We have decided that Thursday nights after his softball league are still happening, which means I will be taking a rest day on Friday. Since I'm not a fan of going into the gym on weekends, and am often out of town anyway, that means Friday nights and Saturdays can be date nights as well. "A" stipulated that he will NOT see me on weeks that I skip going to the gym on my four remaining days (Monday-Thursday) as extra incentive.  Monday through Thursday seems like a long stretch to me, so we'll also revive our weekly lunch date, probably on Tuesdays.  No More Using the BF as an Excuse.

-Organization: Part of my problem with continuing my CrossFit commitment earlier this year was that I was never organized. My home is a mess, I never know where my clean clothes are, I can't keep track of all the homework and other responsibilities I have when I'm trying to make up for missed CF mornings by going to evening sessions, etc. 

So I've given myself a set start again date: July 1, 2013, a Monday. In the meantime, I'm going to be working to de-clutter my life house, get organized, and put some sort of system in place that will keep me maintaining that organization. A schedule for cleaning and laundry, having clothes laid out the night before, having an actual gym bag instead of throwing all my crap in my car... all these things will help. 

I used to dress nice for work...

-Professionalism: Another issue I had before with going to CF in the mornings is that I NEVER looked nice for work. I don't have time to go home and get cleaned up before I have to get to the office, so I would usually just change clothes and rock the ponytail and vaguely sweat-smeared look all day at work. This is something I didn't SUPER mind, but at the same time, I possess lots of really pretty clothes that I would like to wear occasionally, and they don't really work with the post gym 'funk'. 

I'm thinking that I need to either be showering at the gym (if the line for the shower isn't too long), or make a commitment to having a nice outfit to change into and the flexibility and determination to bathe in the sink at work. Maybe a camp shower in the garage. We'll see.

As I mentioned above, I think laying out my outfits the night before (and accessorizing!!!) and having an actual gym bag with my shoes and wrist wraps and water bottle in it will help tremendously with the looking good for work thing as well. I just need to be on top of this stuff instead of flying by the seat of my pants, which leads me to the last point on this list...

-Home: I feel like most days I live out of my car or a suitcase. I spend a few nights a week away from home, I'm always out of town on weekends, I dash from work to friends' houses to restaurants to wherever and only come home occasionally to flop into bed. My days often have me at the office late, then to the grocery store, then to my kitchen to socialize with my roomie for an hour and then immediately to bed. (You'll notice that there's a distinct lack of shower time allotted in there too. That's another problem.)

I need to feel like I've got a schedule and a plan and know what I'm going to be doing each day. I need to have time to fit in CrossFit and all the other things that are important to me as well as my responsibilities. In order to do this, I can't be feeling like I'm a hobo living out of my car and wearing whatever clothes I happen to find on what is now known as "The Probably Clean Laundry Side of the Bedroom".


It all starts today. I'm going to head home (after the grocery store. Ugh) and get some cleaning out of the way. I will do this because I've got to get back to my family. They miss me. 

A New Dawn

Hey there, it's been a while. 

I feel like apologies and explanations are in order for my extended absence. Perhaps Hyperbole and a Half can explain it better than I can though:

Depression Part One

Depression Part Two



That's how it is sometimes. You hate yourself to the point where nothing and everything is possible and you hate yourself more for hating yourself. Going to the gym seems like something you know you should do and will make you feel better, but you don't go... and then you use that fact to abuse yourself some more. It's just a big stupid downward spiral.

I've been nursing my wounds for the past month or two. The injuries I incurred in April have healed, but I've been tenderly insulating my emotional hurts with cookies and champagne.

So much for that New Year's Resolution about drinking! So much for respecting my body enough to put healthy foods into it!  Pretty much the only investment I made into good food in the past few months was purchasing an assortment of grass fed hormone free meat from John Henry's. 

Other than that, I've not been to CrossFit, nor have I been particularly active. I've been feeling low and sick and exhausted and generally full of the ailments of depression and I can practically feel my  muscles deteriorating into goo as I write this. 

Ennui to Energy V 2.0

I feel supremely guilty over the separation from my CrossFit family. I didn't even tell them I was leaving, I just faded away. I received a short note from Coach J, hoping I was doing alright and it wasn't even the standard form letter that they send when you miss a week of class. I miss them and hope that I can find the ability to go back.

This weekend my roommate and I are going to head down to Columbus for the Regional CrossFit competition. I think the inspiration will help. It can't possibly hurt!!

On the upside, I've been feeling better. The desire to do things is starting to creep back into my life. I'm getting enthusiastic about certain subjects and beginning to dream new adventures to have. So far those good feelings haven't been enough to get me off the couch, but it's a start!



So let's start again.