Holiday Ennui

I haven't written in a while because I haven't really been very active. The holidays are stressful times. I also managed to get myself quite sick and have been miserable for a week straight! Oof. Over the holidays I managed to keep up with some weighted sit ups and I've also been practicing my ring dips and push ups with some vigor. Coworker K got me this sweet exercise diary: 

So I'm looking forward to working on my "New Training Plan". I think I may have to take a month away from the box since the holidays broke my wallet as well as my health. I'm planning on using this time to 'train' for going back to CrossFit. I'm going to work very intensely on my trouble areas so that way I can perform better when I save up the cost of dues. This is the program I talked about briefly a few posts ago about improving my Push Ups. I'm going to expand that to a whole fitness regimen and keep track of it in my new diary. With any luck, in a year or two, I'll be up to the level I want to be at if I supplement CrossFit with more specific training. Gotta get better at running too, while I'm at it. 

That brings me to the end of 2012. It's resolution time again, and I suppose now is as good a time as any to outline my goals for 2013 after reflecting on how this year went. 

New Years Resolutions

-Cut alcohol consumption to ONE (1) drink per week or less. No more. 
-Exercise outside the gym, even when I'm lazy feeling. I have the equipment, so nothing is stopping me but myself. 
-During CrossFit months, I need to make it to the box 5 days a week.
-Complete the Couch 2 5k Program.
-Do the Color Run again!
-Accomplish at least one unassisted Pull Up then 10 and then 50.
-Accomplish first 10 and then 50 and then 100 strict Push Ups.
-Pay off at least one credit card, preferably both.
-Pay Mum back some of what she's given me in life.
-Call my family more often.
-Keep up with my YNAB accounting until I reach those goals. 
-Make at least one (1) meal at home fresh/raw, and eat from home for all other meals (made in advance/leftovers/etc).
-Only eat out (including lunch!) once every two weeks or less.
-Be on schedule with school and don't wait till deadlines to avoid stress.
-Spend money on food instead of toys.
-Grow things to eat!
-Open the blinds in my apartment occasionally, even if that gang of feral children is playing outside.



If I think of anything else, I'll add it on! 

The Seven

Warm Up:
500 Meter Row
Extensive Stretching

WOD:
"The Seven" Hero WOD
7 RFT
-7 Handstand Push Ups
-7 Thrusters (I did Dumbbells at Coach H's insistence, 12.5lbs)
-7 Knees 2 Elbows
-7 Dead Lifts (65lb)
-7 Burpees
-7 KettleBell Swings (26lb)
-7 Pull Ups (with bands, of course)

We had a 30:00 cap, and I finished 6 and 1/3 Rounds. I'm pretty pleased with that, although next time I'll do better!

300 Weighted Sit Ups last night in an effort to catch up on the December challenge. I'm at 1800 out of the 3100 I need to do! Almost there :) I did notice that  my K2E today were nice and tight. Easiest part of the workout, actually, lol.

Looking forward to Christmas, but I'm going to miss the box! I'll have to take a Kettlebell home with me and practice my push ups, squats, and sit ups. Maybe my jump rope too. Hard wood floors at my mother's place...

A Day to Rest

I had planned all week to take this morning off from the gym, since I needed to look cute for our company holiday party and annual group photo. I'm super glad I did, since my legs and hips and butt are pretty wobbly today when I do anything other than sit!

I was giving some thought to yesterday's fatigue during the WOD and postulate that I'm either not eating right (no one is surprised) or am working too hard. 

I know that I'm  not being nutritious enough these days since I've been living off rice and the charity of others for the past week or two since paying next semester's tuition out of pocket. That's no surprise. I'd kill for a fresh vegetable! My friend "A" cooked for me last night though and I had Brussels sprouts for the first time (from the freezer). I liked them! They were like little mild cabbages. 

I don't eat before coming to CrossFit in the morning. I've heard both sides on this, some people suggesting I have some toast or something before I go and others saying it's fine. Usually, I avoid eating before such intense workouts because I become nauseated with everything sloshing around in my stomach during burpees. I guess I should do some more research and make a plan, or at the very least find some more nutrient rich food sources ASAP.

I do know that I push my body a little too hard sometimes. I take rest days rather frequently, but at the same time, I am so anxious to get better, so desirous of reaching my distant goals, that I don't want to waste even a minute. I want to keep pushing and pushing until I can do that Pull Up. I don't like that I hurt my back or my elbow is being weird. I don't want to be held back. When my legs give out during lunges, I am furious that I'm not better! 

I aspire to greatness, and I'm terribly impatient that I have to personally experience every step of the journey to reach it and cannot skip ahead. 

The path is ahead, and I need to walk it. 

Proud of Me

The past few days have seen me feeling proud of myself. I went to CrossFit yesterday, and was dismayed to see that the WOD included Overhead Squats. With my elbow complaints, back complaints, and squat problems, I thought it was going to be a real drag. Fortunately, I was able to modify to Front Squats, which I don't find as abhorrent as most people appear to. In fact, Coach K complimented my Front Squat, saying it was awesome! I love hearing things like that on days like yesterday. I was feeling like a bit of a failure again, and it was just what I needed to hear!


Warm Up:

Tabata x3
:20 "__________" I can't remember what we called these, but we touched the floor and then jumped up and touched the bar overhead. 
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Burpees
:10 Plank
:20 Squats
:10 Rest

Skill:
Overhead Squat and Front Squat Practice

WOD:
21-15-9
Overhead Squats (I did Front Squats 37lb)
Box Jumps (3x 45lb bumper plates)
1 Minute Plank 

I did it in 10:00

Finisher:
3x 300 Meter Row Sprint


This morning was a strange morning. I talked myself out of bed saying that there's really no good reason for me NOT to go to CrossFit, and then stumbled my way tiredly to the bathroom where I proceeded to hop in the shower... which is odd, since doing that before going to the gym is just silly. Anyway, I made it to the box on time and gave Coach K and Coach H each a pomander as a gesture of holiday spirit and thankfulness for all that they've done to help me. 

THEN I DID MY FIRST DOUBLE UNDER. On accident. I was doing my usual DU attempts during the warm up, and wondering why I can't seem to break through and actually get one. Then I thought "F* it, just tighten up the abs and roll with it, it will come on its own." Then the rope was behind me unexpectedly and it occurred to me that I'd just succeeded! I managed to do it again too a bit later, so it wasn't a fluke. Finally, some improvement! I could barely jump rope at all when I started. 

During the Squat Bottoms we did for the warm up, both of the coaches also complimented my squats, which was really cool. I'm still using a dumbbell to counterbalance me, and I've been trying to improve the flexibility while I'm at it, and it is so nice to be affirmed when I make progress. I cannot express how much it matters to me that someone is pleased by my success. 

I worked on using the proper grip today too during our skill set, hanging from my fingers instead of my palms. I think the sit ups are improving my core strength as well, because I'm getting better at keeping my knees up while I dangle. The different grip doesn't necessarily feel weaker, since I didn't have any hand strength the other way either, but I'm certainly feeling it in my arms and wrists now!


Warm Up:
Tabata x3
:20 Double Unders (!!!!!)
:10 Single Unders
:20 Squat Bottom
:10 Rest
:20 Jumping Jacks
:10 Rest
:20 Hand Kicks
:10 Rest

Skill:
Pull Ups 
3x 10 progressively fewer bands
-Hang from bar (:40 seconds using proper grip)

WOD:
5x For Time (Measured Each Round)
-10 (each arm) Renegade Rows (8lb)
-20 (each leg) Lunges
-20 Ball Slams (20lb)
1 Minute Rest

Total Time 23:00 (not counting rests) 


During this WOD, I was literally the last person to finish. I didn't walk out of there until the 7 o'clock class was getting their instructions for the warm up. I struggled. The Renegade Rows did not hurt me the way I had worried they might, but my body (for the first time at CrossFit) told me I was asking for too much.  

With every lunge, I lost my balance which isn't unusual. The problem today was that as I stood back up, my fatigued legs would alternate giving out on me, landing me on my knees during a simple unweighted exercise. It was incredibly demoralizing.  I did a round or two with squats instead (40), but that added whole minutes to my time, since my legs were equally exhausted in a squat position. I had to take a knee.  The ball slams started out at the RX 25lb, but I dropped it back to twenty after the first round as I noticed that I wasn't able to dead lift and then clean it up without losing my form. I had to rest after 4-5 slams each round as my legs shook where I stood. 

I felt like my tank was on empty, my muscles couldn't give me any more, which is very unusual when I typically walk out of there wanting to go home and pound out some extracurricular work. As I struggled through my third round and watched everyone else finish one by one from my vantage point near the white board, I worried for the first time if this would be the WOD I gave up on. Sure, I've run out of time before, but I've never felt like giving up. I nearly cried when I finished the fourth round and had to begin again as everyone cleaned up and started heading out.  But I didn't stop.

My friend, "I" told me once that there would come a time when my body would surprise me, and that I'd feel like I can't possibly go on. That I'll fight through it and break down in tears when it is over, because I'll have broken a barrier inside myself. Today was not that day, but I got a taste of the feeling. If I'd not been high on those two DU's and on my Front Squats with my nice high elbows... I may not have finished today. 

That brings us to today's Reason: Because I will never surrender, even when my legs give out from under me and I shake and cry and hurt. Even if it takes all day, I'll never surrender. 


"I" told me he was proud of me, which was the straw that broke the camel's back I guess. It's not just that it's great to hear that from someone that I look up to as a role-model in my fitness, but I realized when he said so that I'm proud of Myself. I've said that before, but today, it means a little more to me. It means that I like something about me more than I hate myself. It means that the depression is losing to self-esteem.

That's when I cried. 

I'm going to be okay.

Bruised

I was once again rather "sluggish" over the weekend, mostly laying around and wondering why I seem incapable of accomplishing anything that I set out to do. For instance, Christmas decorations are still not up and I haven't finished making presents for my family and friends. Where does the time go!?

I did manage to get up and make it to CrossFit today though, which is good, because last night I was prostrate with what appeared to be extreme stress. I felt a tightness in my chest that was not dissimilar to the TWO allergic brushes with extreme discomfort that I experienced Friday. (Curse you walnuts!) I felt like I was going to fall apart, and I was afraid I'd keep failing myself. 

But I didn't.

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
-5 Burpees
-10 Ball Slams (20lb)
-250 Meter Row
-50 Single Unders

Skill:
Power Clean/Clean and Jerk (Got up to 37lbs for my Power Cleans, but dropped it back down for the WOD)
5-3-3-1-1

WOD:
AMRAP 20 Minutes
-5 Hand Release Push Ups (I used a box, of course, but felt it in my chest, which is ideal)
-6 Power Cleans (32lb)
-7 Push Jerk/Push Press (I did Dumbell Push Presses instead, as my elbow still doesn't like overhead barbell lifts, apparently. I started the first 3 rounds with 2 17.5lb weights, then dropped down to 12.5lb.)

I did nine rounds! I told myself I had to do at least 8, so that was good, and I took breaks to get tutelage from Coach H about my Push Ups. I managed to bruise my collar bone while I was at it, so I know I did something right?

"This will be black tomorrow"

Food and Stuff

Postcard from my brother, with slight modification! :)

Intentionally took a rest day from CrossFit yesterday, and I didn't make it in this morning either. I'm hoping to boogie-tunes out of work early though and hit up the last class for today at 5:30, although I heard that the WOD is "Hope", and she sounds like a real piece of work. 

Last night as I was doing that whole "look at yourself in the full-length mirror and wonder if you can see any changes since you've been working out" thing. I have done 1300 weighted sit ups this month already, but have only been sporadic with my CrossFit, thanks to finals. With the exception of thinking that my biceps are looking slightly shapelier, I can't see a difference. 

I know that I'm not at the gym to get good looking, but it's become a sort of personal vendetta with myself now: how to defeat that layer of cupcakes and booze standing between me and my abs (I know they're in there somewhere.) It will take time and dedication and major changes in how I eat. 

The main thing keeping me from the healthy nutritious plant-based diet I want to be on is poverty. (I know it sounds stupid, since I pay a ton of money for CrossFit, but that place gives me more than a workout. Those people are integral to my success.) I hate that good food costs more than bad food. Rice and beans are cheap, and I can make a loaf of bread for like a dollar, maybe less. 

I've been looking for solutions to this however, and I thought I'd share some since I believe that the way I fuel my body has a huge impact on my mood as well as how much exercise I get and all the other things that upset me. If I eat crap, I feel crappy. 

Solutions to the food problem:

CSAs:
Last year a friend of mine and I went in together on a 1/2 farm share from a local CSA we found at www.localharvest.org. We were really happy with it, except that the drought and some insidious moles at the farm caused our deliveries to be cut short (they returned a part of our money though, so it's cool). My investment of $250 for the season seemed reasonable to me when things began, and when I got an added 2-3 dozen farm fresh eggs with each order and a delivery of 8 POUNDS of asparagus one day, I was delighted!  We chose the farm we did because they would deliver to my office, which was very convenient, but N and I both agreed that we wouldn't be using that farm again. 

I've been kicking around getting in on another CSA this year since I haven't managed to convince my boss to let me put in a garden next to our building. It is hard to come up with the up-front investment though, so we'll see. Maybe I'll ask for it for my birthday  :)

Friends With Land:
Coworker B purchased a house earlier this year. With that house came a yard. It is shady, to be sure, but she wants to attempt to grow a few things anyway and suggested that if I help with the planting and care of the garden, I can reap some of the benefits (literally). Hopefully we can get something to grow, so that way I can eat it. Yesterday, all I wanted all day long was a friggin' vegetable. Can't wait until the winter broke-time passes. 

Apartment Farming:
This is not as simple as it seems where I live. I had all these big plans when I moved in, since the complex doesn't care if you do stuff to the grounds as long as it's not making things look ugly (uglier. I live in the ghetto.) It became apparent immediately after I moved in that the area in front of my apartment in particular is where ALL the neighborhood kids like to play. They routinely play so close to my walls that I can distinctly understand every word that they say, and a soccer ball hits my window at least once a day in the spring/summer/fall. 

Growing indoors might be a viable option, except that having people right directly outside my windows makes me inclined to keep the shades closed and the curtains drawn. Living alone is scary, and I don't want people knowing when I'm in the house or not, or being able to see me at all. I guess I can just leave the sheers...

Changing Gears:
I've been doing fairly well this year of not buying prepackaged crap food, and I don't keep much in the house that isn't perishable, but I think I could do better. I also think that I need to clean my freezer out (How do I have 30 pints of jam in here?!) so I have more room to do make-ahead crock pot meals and quick lunch options.  I really liked it the few times I made ahead a bunch of stuff, I'm so strapped for time during certain seasons that it's really the only way I'll have decent food to eat. It's not fresh though. I also need to make some deals with myself for 2013:
-Make my meals at home, all of them.
-Keep veggies and such already cut up in the fridge to reduce spoilage.
-MANAGE MY TIME BETTER so I don't live at the lab, and can be home for dinner every day. 

Training Plan

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
1:00 Battle Ropes
-10 Squats
-15 PVC Pass Through
-250 Meter Row
-5 Burpees

Skill:
Work up to Clean weight for today's WOD

WOD:
"Elizabeth"
21-15-9
-Cleans
-Ring Dips

Finisher:
1:00 Max Burpees
:30 Rest
2:00 Max Double Unders



Talked to my friend "I" today about getting my Push Ups up to par. He imparted me with some training advice, and this is my plan for the moment:

Goals: First 10 Strict Push Ups and then later, 100!
Tomorrow- Start a timer and do max reps without pause doing low box push ups. (9-10 should be about where I'm at right now). Then finish out 25 reps total, taking rests as needed. Record the sets and the time. 
Repeat this every week, either increasing the first set's rep count, or decreasing time. Or both!

Day After Tomorrow- Do the same thing with Ring Rows, so that way I'm keeping things evened out. 




I'll have more to say tomorrow. I'm getting out of work early!

Caveat Clauses

Side Note: This is very me. 

Today is the day of the side note. Coach H had a look at my blog this morning, and she said that I write the way I speak. I know this to be true, and so on a day like today, when I feel like qualifying everything with a parenthetic explanation, I can only think that the extreme distraction I nursed at the office yesterday has persisted. Coworker K and I like to call it "Ants in the Pants". 

Indeed, even though all my finals are done and I didn't have any deadlines or anything yesterday, I was still at the office until 8 PM. This of course meant that I got home pretty late and proceeded to have no time to do anything that I'd intended (Like the dishes, and putting up Christmas decorations.) and I failed to do my sit ups, pull ups, and push ups.  You see, I've decided that in addition to doing the monthly challenge for weighted sit ups (Which I'm pretty efficient at, and don't struggle with), I need to be trying to build up my strength in other areas. I'm abysmal at push ups, and I'm sick of using bands to do pull ups (I joined CrossFit with the goal of doing an unassisted pull up!). 

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
1:00 High Knees (Coach H was impressed with my high-kneeness, and all before coffee...)
-10 Burpees (Yeah, with burpees, I'm certain the hatred is mutual.)
-15 Squats (I'm going to need to get back to workshopping these, I can't seem to stick them, even with the weight for balance. Maybe I'm just out of practice.)
:30 Hang From Bar (Knees up. This is getting easier! Been using a different grip lately too, more up under my fingers instead of my palms. I'm weak, but at least I feel like I'll develop strength in the proper part of my hands while I'm at it.)
-10 Lunges (No toes were cut off by Coach H during this exercise, despite egregious threats.)

Skill:
3-3-3-3-3
-Dead Lift, increasing weight incrementally (I am cool with Dead Lifting, as it doesn't hurt my back. Today I worked up to 72lbs, A Personal Record!)

WOD:
-30 Sumo Dead Lift High Pulls (I used only 32lbs, and had to fight my way through some back twinges. I'm glad I did, and I don't think I hurt myself.)
-20 Medicine Ball Sit Ups (14lb Medicine Ball, these were a breeze after all the extracurricular work on abs I've been doing lately.)
-10 Hand Stand Push Ups (LOL, NO. I was afraid these would hurt my back in addition to being pretty much impossible in lieu of my inability to even do a regular push up. Instead, I did 25 Box Push Ups. There was no pain doing it that way, aside from the mental anguish that always accompanies push ups.)
-1000 Meter Row (I usually enjoy rowing as the 'break' in my WODs. Not so today, I had to take a second to regroup in order to avoid tossing my cookies. On the upside, I did manage to keep my split meters around 18-19 the whole time, although I still don't have the ballistic strength to finish in anything close to a remarkable time.)
-40 Box Jumps (I used two 45lb bumper plates, which makes me the lowest jumper in the history of the world, as usual. As an interesting double aside, I had the lowest vertical jump in my entire high school. As it is, I usually try to be ginger with the jumping in order to keep my jaw from aching or my back from complaining. This is probably for the best, since after that row, I was weaving around like a drunkard and I'm lucky I could even make it up on the plates in the first place.)

Finisher:
-50 Medicine Ball Sit Ups (I refrained from these, since I've got a ton of them to do later today. I could have though, and probably would have if I hadn't already sanitized and put away my abmat and medicine ball when it was announced. Love sit ups.)

Emerging from the Grad School Cave

Finals are over! My students' grades have been handed over to the professor I work with! I slept a little! 

Actual photo of me after turning in my last paper.

Now I can finally try to get back on schedule with working out. I've been kicking out sit ups for the December challenge in between writing papers (my coworkers all think it's funny to watch me in my cube with my abmat and kettlebell), and on Saturday I kicked out a pretty gruesome at-home rendition of semi-Angie.

-100 Squats (with a weight to help me balance)
-100 Pull Ups (band assisted, of course)
-200 Weighted Sit Ups
No Push Ups. 

In sad news, my back hasn't improved. Each morning has me groaning and gasping my way out of bed, but aside from twists and sideways bending, I do OK during the day. It seems to be laying down that does the most damage, especially since I don't find working out to be particularly painful, which is odd. 

My friend "I", who is my fitness buddy and general motivator when it comes to my fitness wonders why I don't use my rings to practice more dips (he's an extremely enthusiastic Muscle Up fan, and likes to push me to reach that level someday too), but truthfully, I'm terrified that my spindly arms are gonna blow out to the side and I'm going to screw my back up even more. As it is, I'll stick with my new dip station, which attaches quite cleverly to my dangle bar.... er, pull up bar. 

I'm looking forward to hitting the box tomorrow morning, since FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AGES, I get to go home at a reasonable time tonight. Go figure! Maybe I'll have time to take that petrified pizza out of my fridge. I'm not sure at which point during the past two weeks of finals that I made it, but the organisms living on it have nearly evolved to the iron age. 

L-OUCH-L

I had anticipated being too tired to hit the gym this morning, and so I don't feel very bad about taking a rest day. Not to mention, when my alarm went off at 5, I jerked awake so violently that not only did my back protest vehemently, but I also had no idea what day it was or where I was waking up! 

As it is, I heard that today at CrossFit the WOD will be "Cindy". That would have been pretty grueling! 

I'm kinda blue today.  Not just because I'm sore and because I have to write a huge final term paper tonight (yikes!) but because my long lost best friend is in town. I haven't seen him in two years and figured that with a month-long visit to Michigan, he'd be bound to find time for me eventually. Sadly, I am prioritized somewhere below his hair stylist and high school friend's kid sister.  (No, really. That's not a joke.)

So much for us being close. 

Anyway, I'm keeping my chin up and looking forward to today's 100 weighted sit ups after work. Then I'm going to put my nose to the grindstone and write this dang research. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Coffee. 

Short, Fierce, Cute Ladies ----They're Terrifying.

It was easier to talk myself into going to the gym today. I remembered that I'll be working probably ALL NIGHT for the next few nights and as such, won't be well rested enough to really give CrossFit my all, so it has to be today since I managed to capture about seven hours of rest last night!

Warm Up:
10 minutes
-50 Double Unders (or attempts, in my case)
:30 Second Hang From Bar
-50 Mountain Climbers (Doubles)
-200 Meter Row

Skill:
Clean & Jerk, working weight up to today's WOD

WOD 1:
"Grace"
-30 Clean & Jerks (Coach H had me do simply Cleans, since my elbow has decided that it's not coming to the party now. 32lbs)
Time: 3:50

WOD 2:
-40 Wall Ball Sit Ups (Started with 14lbs, switched to 8lb. Stupid back.)
-10 KettleBell Swings (20lbs)
-30 Wall Ball Sit Ups
-10 KB Swings
-20 WB Sit Ups
-10 KB Swings
-10 WB Sit Ups
-10 KB Swings
Time: 8:14

I’ve decided to join in the December challenge that has been being discussed lately on the box’s facebook page. It is 100 weighted butterfly sit ups each day for the month of December. The 100 wall ball sit ups from this morning counts for today, and I did 100 more at lunch with my abmat and a 20lb kettlebell. Another hundred after work before I get to work on my final paper for the semester will have me all caught up for the month (and justifiably sorry tomorrow, I should think).

I don’t know what’s going on with my back these days still. It hurts when I bend side to side or twist, bending forward and arching backwards don’t hurt me. Weird.

It was really discouraging today that my weird clicking elbow forced me to only clean up my measly 32# bar instead of doing the clean and jerks called for in the WOD. When she suggested I take it down to just the cleans, I remarked to Coach H that I feel like such a wimp for having to scale down all the time.

This is where sh* got real.

Let me tell you a little bit about Coach H. She’s short and beautiful, very smiley and pleasant, even at 6 in the morning. She’s always helpful and when she yells at you during workouts it makes you want to try harder, but doesn’t exactly sound like verbal abuse.

Today she told me that if I ever call myself a wimp again, she’s going to smack me across the face with a PVC pipe.

She scares me.  Never mess with the little feisty ones!

After my workout, she asked how I felt, and the only answer that she would accept without a truly frightening expression on her face was, “Like a BAMF!”

I f*ing love this place. 

The Deep, Dark Night

Last night was not a good night. I stayed at the lab until 11 PM and managed to NOT accomplish what I was supposed to get done yesterday. The stress of being behind and fear of looming deadlines is lethal when combined with self-loathing from failure. It is compacted by me constantly acknowledging that I'm failing to do what I need to be doing... and yet not altering my lousy behavior.

Anyway, I got home last night feeling all frustrated and weepy and overly tired. I laid in my bed and wrote two Post-It notes of completely hateful things. I figured that I should probably look at them again with a slightly clearer head and slightly better mood and try to remind myself why my self-deprecation is flawed. I'm not entirely confident in my ability to debunk some of these thoughts, but I should probably try.

Post-It 1:
"Worst part of depression: knowing I could have done all the things I failed to do... easily. But didn't. I suck"
Well. Isn't that just marvelous? I was really disappointed last night that I wasted so much time and that I didn't go to the gym, and that I didn't rock and roll at work. I know that I'm beating myself up way more than is called for or justifiable. I know that I have it in me to be awesome, and while I let myself down constantly, it's worse for me to generate more self-loathing over that. I should forgive myself more and keep trying to be better.

Post-It 2:
No Wonder...
-I'm single
-I no longer have a 4.0
-I'm not seeing Results
-I scare/intimidate/freak out people
-Everyone thinks I'm fragile
-I am never good enough for anyone
-I hate myself
-I let people use/hurt me
-My family is sad 
-They all think I'm a mooch
-They don't want to try to help anymore
-I have tons of debt
-I never finish things
Once again, this is delightful. This is essentially a list of accusatory things about myself. As if I shouldn't be surprised by this list of things. My actions and thoughts and words all led me to these things being true (according to my last night self). As I sat on the bathroom floor feebly brushing my teeth and looking at my recently discarded clothes and the dust bunnies under the cabinet, I was thinking, "Look at you. No wonder your life is crap, you don't deserve better, and you don't do better, and you don't give yourself better, or let yourself have better. You choose to be a mess, and that's the worst sin of all."

No one needs to tell me how self-destructive those thoughts were/are. There's only one thing I can do about it, it seems to me. I have to try to prove myself wrong. If I have any progress with that, I'll be sure to announce it.

Step One, however, was not letting myself down this morning. This meant going to CrossFit and paying my December dues. I woke suddenly at 4:40 this morning, and it was the hardest fight I've ever had to get up and go work out. I had twenty minutes until the alarm, and I spent that time arguing with myself. Threatening, bribing, cajoling myself to get up. I wept and argued and pleaded right back, and in the end I don't even know which side of me won the fight. I just know that I was on my feet. I fought back tears as I hunted for some gym attire and once again glared daggers at myself while brushing my teeth; I didn't even bother with my hair.

I did make it to CrossFit though, and put on my smile for the people there who know me and are glad when I turn up. I worked hard and did my best not to hurt my back, even though I had to scale down a ton of the stuff we did in the WOD.

In the end, I found myself worrying that someday my charm will wear off, and the coaches won't think I'm trying anymore. Soon if I have to use bands, I worry that I won't be a newbie anymore, and that I'll be considered a tourist. I know this is foolish thinking. I know I'll keep trying hard and get better (even though I don't feel like it now.) I know it's the sadness talking.

I walked out of there feeling not totally good, but certainly better. There's a metric crap ton of stuff I need to do today instead of enjoying a Friday night, but I'm more prepared now. I'm also in the mental state now where I can make jokes at the office and sing rap songs in stupid voices or jam to The Safety Dance. I'm doing well enough now to hide how unwell I am.

As my best friend has told me for many years, sometimes when you don't feel it (confidence, usually), you have to fake it until it becomes real. Here's to you, my friend. And here's to today's Reason: because someday it will be real, I have to believe that.


Warm Up:
Ten Minutes
-500 Meter Row
-10 Inch Worms
-10 PVC Pass Throughs
-15 Birthday Burpees!
-10 Roaming Plank

Skill:
Rope Climbing

WOD:
Beast 12 for Time
-50 Walking Lunges
-20 Pull Ups
-50 Box Jumps (2 45lb Bumper Plates for me, jump up/step down, to avoid back injury)
-20 Double Unders
-25 Ring Dips (I did box Tricep Dips)
-20 Knees To Elbows
-30 KettleBell Swings (18lb, to avoid back injury)
-30 Sit Ups
-20 Hang Squat Cleans with Dumbbells (I did Medicine Ball Cleans - 14lb)
-25 Back Extensions
-30 Wall Balls (14lb)
-3 Rope Climbs (I did half-rope climbs from a box since Coach H didn't like the way my back was working. So I did 9 of these, as prescribed.)

Time: 24:51

Dang it

Didn't go to CrossFit today. I am very disappointed in myself. I let myself be overcome by stress as I lay abed this morning and instead of fighting through it, I suffered quietly alone. I had to text Coworker M and Coworker K to give me pep talks just to make it into the office today. 

There's something so daunting about seeing your to-do list and knowing that you're not going to make it. How do you keep from letting yourself down when you know the only way the day will end is with disappointment and panic? 

Plugging away today, trying to accomplish things and pick up slack since last night I didn't finish everything I was supposed to do YESTERDAY either. I managed to get new car insurance and plan out how to pay my tuition next month, so that's a plus. Also surreptitiously working on an infographic for a school project in between mold and bacteria samples at the lab. Multitasking for the win? 

Tonight after I force myself to work (dang it) until everything is done, I'm rewarding myself with a sleepless night (wait, what?) and going to see a friend play on a hockey beer league at 11:30 PM. Perhaps I'll manage a bit of sleep before CrossFit tomorrow. Either way, I have to pay my dues for December, because you know what? I'm not giving up. 

Today's Reason: because at dinner last night, my friend reminded me that I've got a long way to go, and that the only way to get there is by fighting for it... otherwise I won't respect myself. If I can't respect myself, why would anyone else respect me? 

Really Back

I went to the doctor on Monday evening and described my pains. Apparently, back pain that impacts breathing is something to be worried about, especially in a healthy, thin, young person. Go figure. So the doctor checked me for kidney stones and drew some blood and did an EKG test to hear if maybe I've got a clot stuck somewhere and risking pulmonary embolism. So far I haven't heard back from the blood test, but everything else seemed alright. 

The doctor ended up giving me some literature about muscle spasms and a vague notion that perhaps it's the muscles in between my ribs, not necessarily my back muscles causing the problem ( I believe him, since when I poke my back muscles, they don't really hurt). He gave me a big shot of pain meds right in my fluffy little derriere and a prescription for some pain pills and another for muscle relaxers. So far, the leg numbness has persisted as well as the back pain. 

Yesterday I got an email from the CrossFit coaches. I know they probably do that for anyone who misses a week of classes, but it was nice to be reminded that they were thinking of me.  I told them what was up and they said to come on over and we'd modify the workouts so that way I can feel like I'm getting my money out of my membership. I missed them.

So then it fell to me. The doctor had helpfully suggested that I shouldn't work out if it is hurting me, but I remembered last week when my back was bothering me, the workout wasn't hurting me as much as laying down was. In fact, most of the time, the pain happens when I'm twisting, not when I'm doing straight forward movements, so I thought I'd give it a go today and see if I could.

As it turns out, nothing we did today hurt me at all except for when I was trying to stand up from the Push Up positions during the sprints. The weird contortion I use to get to my feet is probably pretty goofy looking.

Warm Up:

No time to sit and smell the flowers!

For 10 Minutes
-500 Meter Row
-15 V-Ups
-20 Sit Ups
-15 PVC Pass Throughs
-50 Single Unders

Skill:
Worked on KettleBell form as a group.

WOD:
Death By = Continue doing an equal number of reps as the minute count until you can't complete the requisite number during one minute. Example:
0:00 - 1:00 do only one rep.
1:01 - 2:00 do only two reps.
2:01 - 3:00 do only three reps.
3:01- 4:00 do only four reps.
etc.

-Death By 10 Meters (10 Meter Sprint beginning and ending in Push Up position.)
and
-Death By Wall Balls (14#)

I did seven sprints and capped wall balls at 16. 


Overall, I'm very perplexed about my body. The pain is still there. I can feel it, and now I'm coughing where I wasn't before and I'm not sure if it is because I hoovered up some debris while on my stomach at the gym or if my lungs are now getting involved in the problem. I guess doing exercise properly doesn't cause me pain though? What the hell?

That brings me to today's Reason: Because I have a mysterious pain/potentially lethal clot/ muscle spasms... but I still wasn't the slowest in the WOD. I'm getting stronger. 

Back Back Back

I haven't been to the gym in nearly a week. Over the holidays my back grew steadily worse, keeping me awake every night and impairing my breathing constantly...  My left leg is even going numb in places sporadically. I'd made up my mind to go to the doctor today and guess what? My back is much improved. Crazy how that happens!

I'll still go in though, I want to get an all clear that CrossFit isn't going to exacerbate the problem. Had a friend poke my back a bit on Saturday and the pain didn't appear to be coming from my back muscles, but more inside, another friend suggested that perhaps I have an infection in my bronchial tubes or something.

I can still feel the spot that was bothering me, but I'm hoping that it's healing. I really miss going to the gym and I've felt like the biggest loser by skipping it the past several days, despite the holiday. It just feels like excuses and coupled with a lingering fear that I'm not 'bringing it', I'm a bit disappointed with my first official month of CrossFit. I need to do better.

Slug

This weekend was what I like to call a throwback to 2010. I spent the entire weekend at a friend's house, cooking and drinking. It was a great respite from all the school work lately, but I missed going to the gym. SO I did a brief living room based workout while she cooked chicken divan!

-50 Squats
-100 Sit Ups
-50 Double Under Attempts. (My shins look fantastic!)
-25 Jack Knives
-25 Mountain Climbers
-50 Flutter Kicks

My back is still giving me some trouble. It's been kinda tweaking when I'm laying down for the past 3 weeks or so, but today it was just killing me. Sometimes the spot that it hurts causes me to be short of breath, which is what happened today. While I was using the foam roller and tennis ball to try to work it out, I had the most peculiar feeling that my collar bone was about to snap in half! Overall, the back pain was distracting. 

This is where it hurts. :(

It didn't hurt particularly during this morning's workout, but in general when I was up moving around. It's weird. Anyway, I took it nice and gentle during the WOD, but I am kinda disappointed. I hate walking out of there feeling like I didn't give it my all... even when I'm hurting.

Warm Up:
For Ten Minutes
-1 Minute High Knees
-15 Burpees
-10 PVC Bar Pass-Throughs
-25 Sit Ups
-5 Roaming Plank

Skill:
Ring Supports 3 times 30 seconds holding.

WOD:
AMRAP in 20 Minutes
-250 Meter Row
-21 Sumo Deadlift (22lb didn't hurt my back when I was using proper form, so I went with it.)
-15 Ring Dips (I did tricep dips from a box.)


I thought about going to LaVida Massage down the street from my office, but that's money that I don't need to waste. I'll set it aside for my December dues for CrossFit. I've got unfinished business with that gym.

That leads me to my next thing. I feel like I've been going regularly all this month, and from time to time I feel stronger, but I don't think I look any different. Friends keep asking how much weight I've lost or if I'm getting skinnier (not in the "OMG, have you lost weight?!" kind of way but in the "How's that working out for you over there? Lose any weight yet?"), but I don't feel any different, and I don't look any different. 

Sadly, depressed me keeps looking in the mirror and thinking how gross I am. That leads me to today's Reason: Because I need to learn patience and persistence. 

Pre-Weekend Sweat Cleanse

Did not make it to CrossFit yesterday morning. My alarm went off as usual, but I was completely disoriented. I jumped to turn it off and my back announced loudly that I could go bugger myself if I wanted to go to the gym. 

I did want to go to the gym. 

I figured that if my body was being such a jerk about it though, it was probably a sign that I needed a rest day. I forced myself to stay in bed two more hours to rest. Sleep would have been welcome, but instead, there I lay, wishing I was doing CrossFit! I'm glad I stayed in though, and made my body relax for a while. It seems like it's been a long time since I slept in. (7 AM is sleeping in? Surely this is Hell.) 

I took the time to get dolled up before work yesterday too, since I went out to dinner with a new friend (sushi!) and wanted to be slightly cleaner than usual. All day I was bummed about not going to the gym, but I didn't feel guilty or beat myself up about it. It was more like when you really want ice cream but you don't get to DQ until 5 minutes after they close. 

Yesterday I also joined the facebook group for CrossFit and made friends with the owners/coaches. Coach C today told me that she didn't even recognize me from my profile picture, haha! Coach J complimented this blog! I am not going to lie, I may have got a tear or two when I thought that these people care about my success. 

I think I can safely say that I wouldn't be doing so well if it weren't for the great people at CrossFit <3

This morning I got back on track, the box wasn't as busy as it has been and I thought it went really well. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
Tabata x3
:20 Jack Knives
:10 Plank
:20 Mountain Climbers
:10 Plank
:20 Lunges
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Lunges
:10 Rest
Skill:
Really worked on form for Power Snatches and Overhead Squats (not my strong suit).

WOD:
21-18-15-12-9
-Power Snatch (22lb) 
-Wall Balls (12lb and then 14lb)
-Knees to Elbows

Time: 19:25

Coach H said that my Snatches were awesome today. (teehee, I'm a dork.) I felt really good about my form and as if I were actually doing it properly for the first time. 

For my Wall Balls Coach C (or rather Coach K, now that I know how to spell her name) had me squatting first on a box, and then on a stack of bumper plates and a medicine ball. She also told me "no more 12 pound balls". She's right. I was being a sissy! I felt good with the 14 pound and added an extra round of 9 on using it. 

I was also told that my knees to elbows were looking good today. Generally, while my arms and chest feel rather nonplussed right now, I was really fond of the workout today. 

Unfortunately, Coworker B brought in donuts from the Looney Baker. I ate one. This motivational video that someone posted in the CrossFit Facebook group comes to mind as I savor a spiced donut in my coffee: 

I have to wonder, do I want to be healthy and reach my goals (I WILL do a pull up, darn it! Eventually I'll do a Muscle Up too!) and more importantly, feel happy and content with myself more than I want anything else? Yes. 

More than I wanted this donut? Yes. 

Will I have a donut tomorrow? No. 

That brings me to today's Reason:  Because I have never wanted anything as badly as I want to feel happy and proud of myself and manage to do things I never thought I could accomplish. 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley