Never Give Up

I'm afraid today. 

The past week I've been seeing things in my left eye. Flashes of light and blurry spots, as if I'm missing part of the picture. I was worried that maybe that fall on my head last year is still having lasting repercussions in addition to my frequent headaches and occasionally forgetting where I am.

A trip to the ophthalmologist and retinal specialist put that worry at ease. It's not in my head. It's not my brain. I'm not imagining it. Unfortunately, that means that there's something wrong with my eye. The doctor found it peculiar that someone my age and in apparent good health could have something wrong with my eye, but he found white spots all over my retina and observed the veins around my eye are leaking. Multifocal Choroiditis and Retinal Vasculitis. These things didn't seem to be such a big deal to him, and he told me to be concerned if they got worse, but it's something else he said that's worrying me. 

He told me that this isn't necessarily a problem with my eye, but more like a symptom of something else. He suggested I go get a gallon's worth of blood work done to search for autoimmune disorders. 

What if I'm sick? I know people with autoimmune problems-- apparently the great catch-all of "you're sick, and there's nothing we can do". I'm afraid that I'm debilitating before I ever caught my stride and became the strong and vibrant person I've been dreaming of.

That's why I'm so glad that I've finally been finding things that work for me as far as my health goes. I've been working out consistently for a month, which is a lot for me. Usually I give up after a week or two. Today as I tried Piyo for the first time, I realized that I may have run out of excuses for not sticking with things.

I've talked recently about how committed I am to changing my lifestyle and working to get the body and mental clarity that I desire... but it could be that now I MUST eat a certain way and nurture and strengthen my body in order to slow its deterioration. 

It's a thought that shakes me to the core and makes me exceptionally grateful that I've got a support group of people who are there to help me stay on track with my fitness. 

It would be really easy to let the depression well up and win if it turns out I'm sick. BUT I've got people watching my back, and I'm going to come out the other side of this stronger, one way or another.




The motto for Beach Body this year is "Never Give Up". This usually puts me in mind of Winston Churchill, and his iconic speech reminding us that we shall never surrender. 

Wellness Coach Nikki and I took this to heart when we met up on Saturday and we vowed that we will not give up on our goal of getting out of debt before we're 35. 







This moment is the same, I won't ever give up. I'll never surrender. 

Not ever. 

Salute Thy Shorts!

It has been a pretty hot spring since the weather broke and the Winter ended. (Yes, Winter with a capital W, Game of Thrones style!) I'm typically a skirt wearer all summer because it's way too warm for jeans, they aren't cute, and I like the breeze. Also because I'm pretty ashamed of my thighs. They're bigger than I'd like and prone to dark bruising and also rather jiggly and dimpled with cellulite. 

But let's think about that for a second. I'm ashamed. How can I be ashamed of something like that? This isn't like the time I got caught driving the neighbor's car. This isn't like being caught in a lie. This is a part of my body. 

For the longest time, I regarded my body as a meat suit that I wear around my soul. An object that can be used to hurt me or give me pleasure, depending on the stimuli. It was all very scientific in my mind, and I thought my assessment of my body was clinical and objective. 

That's clearly not the case. 

I've been focusing so much on the bad stuff that I've been ashamed of wearing shorts. Shorts for heaven's sake!!! In the summer time!!!!!!111one

So I've decided that even though the little tiny short shorts that are so popular now make my legs look like big, square, white sausages (it's hard to stop thinking that way) I'm going to wear them. Well, maybe not the super short ones in public... I'm not comfortable with my lady parts touching park benches or bus seats.

So here's to you, Shorts! I know this is going to be a great summer, and I'm going to feel gratified by the way my thighs not only brush against each other when I walk, but occasionally stick because they're my legs. My thighs. I'm proud of them. 

Please disregard the sink. I didn't have a photographer handy.

Commitment

I figured out what I've been missing all this time. The past two years of wondering why I'm not successful at getting "fit". I've been seeking happiness through fitness, however it would have been nice to be seeing results as well. For a while with my CrossFit I felt like I was getting stronger, but then the gains were lost. 

And that's kinda the point I'm making today. I purchased fitness equipment and gym memberships. I have dozens of DVD programs... but I never committed to them. I thought that one of the hundreds of "fresh starts" and "first steps" I took would get me somewhere, but it's not the beginning that makes a difference... it's the persistence throughout the journey.

The past 3 weeks I've worked out every day and have been eating clean (well, pretty clean). Something has changed. I've committed to doing this every day and sticking it out when it's hot and sweaty or my DVD skips or when coworkers are gawking at me in the break room doing yoga. It's not even hard to do it because in addition to committing to my health and fitness for my own reasons, I'm also doing it as a coach for others.

Ennui 2 Energy is my new venture, an organization designed to offer support and help for people who want to get fitter both physically and mentally. I've partnered with Wellness Coach Nikki and we're using our combined skills and more importantly, PASSIONS to make the world a better place through connecting with other people. 

I've committed to this. I'm succeeding. 

Sometimes It's the Simple Things

Last year sometime I wrote a post about how I suspect being an environmentalist and mildly politically minded and caring about the planet and people on it a little too much was probably contributing to my depression. Seeing all the horrible ways we're hurting each other and the planet causes me to lose all hope in humanity at least once a week.

I am at a mold conference this week (yes, that's a thing) however, and yesterday something amazing happened. I attended a paper presentation that gave hope for combating two extremely devastating ecological disasters occurring currently: the loss of bees due to colony collapse caused by mold, and white nose syndrome which is killing whole bat colonies in cave systems all across the United States. 

Hearing this one small (less than 15 minutes) talk about something hopeful made my whole day. Especially as it followed a depressing discussion about how now snakes are dying from fungal infections in mass quantities as well. I was rejuvenated to discover that not all news these days is bad news.

My good mood could also be because I'm at a professional conference building contacts and learning new things. So often in my everyday life I feel like I'm trapped and stagnating without creative outlets or professional and personal development opportunities. Of course, being around all these academics makes me wish I had gone on and finished a PhD, but there's still time!

Now in the wee hours of what is looking like it's going to be another gorgeous morning before my first symposium of the day, I'm feeling optimistic. I have possibilities ahead of me, and if I work hard enough and stay dedicated, I can develop the freedom to pursue whatever I choose. <3

Chilling with Sparty!

Inspiration and Connection

Last night I had dinner with a dear friend and I found another facet to my goal of supporting people and helping them to live happier lives. It's not all about fitness.

We discussed how she feels tied down by so many things and it was apparent that she didn't have an outlet for her creativity and nothing that she was really passionate and excited about. We had a long conversation about things that inspire us and her face began to light up the more she talked. I watched the transformation as she went from looking vaguely pinched and stressed to glowing with excitement.
My heart grew 3 sizes that day!

Talking to her about things that made her enthusiastic was a big rush for me. I realized that I don't always need to try to get people to DO things to be happy, I can instead help them see the astonishing and wonderful qualities they possess and let them bounce ideas off of me until they find something that ignites their inner fire!

Today we'll be looking for a community theater to join together so we can relive the excruciating joy that is being a part of a production, and the high of riding the energy of an audience. I'll be using my contacts and resources as a Project Dragonfly instructor to find her a study abroad opportunity or some kind of field excursion that will let her expand outside of the life she's accustomed to. We'll be having more dates to keep each other inspired!

Another friend asked my yesterday why I write this blog. He asked me if it was because I love writing or if it's because I want people to read it. I think I write it so I can feel connected with people. I'm finding my happiness through connecting with other people.

Working out with friends and connecting with other people is how I'm finding happiness. 

The End of the Challenge and a New Beginning

So, being a part of the 7 - Day Challenge group was really eye opening for me. I discovered that I loved reaching out and connecting with my teammates and developing a dialogue about our mutual goals. I felt the sense of community that I haven't felt since CrossFit, and after talking to Wellness Coach Nikki, a beautiful idea began to take root.

I've been so busy getting excited about it and planning things that I've been remiss in posting the rest of the 7 day workouts! Here they are:

My enthusiasm for this new project will be coming to a head within the next few days! Hopefully Friday we'll be revealing ALL THE PLANS!!!!!!

For now, this photograph is my inspiration.