Doing Life

This is how I look now.

It has been quite a while since I've written- more than a year. Life seems to have run away with me and other things captured my interest and passions more than my quest for fitness and emotional balance. Depending on who you are, you may think that those things should always be of the highest priority, as they are integral to a happy life, right?

I've learned that in addition to a sleek, strong body and a good attitude, I want more things in my life. I want to be financially well, and I want to pursue higher education in the form of a PhD. I want to write a book in the style of "hard science" fiction. I want to embody awesome, the way some of my dear friends do. I want a clean home and a garden. I want to travel the world and feel carefree.

In my quest for ALL THE THINGS, I have spent the past couple of years being incredibly busy... and oftentimes that busy attitude was composed of millions of tasks that weren't always helpful or important, and certainly weren't always leading me in the right direction (toward my dream life).

Today and lately, all of my hard work and stress and doing all the things has turned into hard work and stress and being too burnt out to get anything of value accomplished. It's a constant game of catch-up where I'm running up hill forever.

I've been running up hill with my fitness for several years. Even when I was blogging here regularly, I can't say for certain that I ever really reached a goal. I felt like my biceps became shapely at one point, and I accomplished some tough WODs that I didn't think I'd be able to finish... but in the end, I didn't become a fit person. I didn't change my body, and I didn't fix up my nutrition. The jury's still out on whether I'm less depressed. My coping skills are the only things that really flourished.

How is it years later, and I'm still always paying attention to eating unprocessed foods and not drinking a bunch of soda, and generally being aware of what I'm using for fuel... but I'm still in shitty shape?

How is it years later, and even if I can string together a week or two of consistent exercise, I never get into it enough to continue, and never feel like it's making a damn difference? Once again, depending on who you are, you're likely thinking that it's simply a matter of commitment and discipline.

Motivation is a feeling, and therefore it is unsustainable. Commitment and discipline are what bring athletes (or business people, or anyone really) to their greatness. Why do I not have any discipline? Why don't I have enough commitment to my health or to my finances, or to living simply, or to eating clean, or to cleaning my house to really do something about any of those things? 

I saw a Buzzfeed article yesterday about a 9 year old girl who did a 24 hour obstacle race designed for hard core adults... that child has more conviction and discipline than I have in my whole life. I don't care about anything enough to devote myself to it so fully. Which saddens me.

The past year or so I've spent on personal development. I read motivational books and take seminars on being assertive. I actively seek out mentors and I cultivate goodness in my relationships with other people. I practice leadership and I inspire others by my example. So I read enough self help books to know that the only thing standing in my way is ME. 

As I was talking to a friend today, I said that I felt like I'd been climbing an uphill battle for so long and that I haven't gotten anywhere. I realized maybe I'm on the wrong mountain.




The scary part is that I don't trust myself to have the conviction to find another mountain to climb. 

Is it even possible to go back to this?

I've moved to Maine, where I know no people, and I have only two coworkers who have avoided friendship with me at all costs. So in an effort to get out and meet people, as well as try to get back my 24 year old body, I joined a gym.

It's been a week, but I only went once. I was too timid to talk to anyone, and I just snuck in, rowed 5k and then slinked out. The whole time I was thinking about how useless it was and how the time was better spent washing my dishes or filing my taxes.

Every day since then has been a struggle, where I now feel tremendously guilty for not going to the gym, but also really Fucking hating the idea of going there. What happened to the woman who used to enjoy working out? Did I ever enjoy it, or was I projecting a person I wanted to be?



It's time to find out what I'm made of. Even though I don't care today, I know that I can't keep sliding backwards in my health or else I'll be truly unhappy. Even if no roads seem to lead forward, I have to do something. I may have no energy, and I may have no time as I push myself to ridiculous levels in other areas of my life, but I need to do something. 

I wish someone could help. More than that though, I wish I didn't need help.