Last night was not a good night. I stayed at the lab until 11 PM and managed to NOT accomplish what I was supposed to get done yesterday. The stress of being behind and fear of looming deadlines is lethal when combined with self-loathing from failure. It is compacted by me constantly acknowledging that I'm failing to do what I need to be doing... and yet not altering my lousy behavior.
Anyway, I got home last night feeling all frustrated and weepy and overly tired. I laid in my bed and wrote two Post-It notes of completely hateful things. I figured that I should probably look at them again with a slightly clearer head and slightly better mood and try to remind myself why my self-deprecation is flawed. I'm not entirely confident in my ability to debunk some of these thoughts, but I should probably try.
Post-It 1:
"Worst part of depression: knowing I could have done all the things I failed to do... easily. But didn't. I suck"
Well. Isn't that just marvelous? I was really disappointed last night that I wasted so much time and that I didn't go to the gym, and that I didn't rock and roll at work. I know that I'm beating myself up way more than is called for or justifiable. I know that I have it in me to be awesome, and while I let myself down constantly, it's worse for me to generate more self-loathing over that. I should forgive myself more and keep trying to be better.
Post-It 2:
No Wonder...
-I'm single
-I no longer have a 4.0
-I'm not seeing Results
-I scare/intimidate/freak out people
-Everyone thinks I'm fragile
-I am never good enough for anyone
-I hate myself
-I let people use/hurt me
-My family is sad
-They all think I'm a mooch
-They don't want to try to help anymore
-I have tons of debt
-I never finish things
Once again, this is delightful. This is essentially a list of accusatory things about myself. As if I shouldn't be surprised by this list of things. My actions and thoughts and words all led me to these things being true (according to my last night self). As I sat on the bathroom floor feebly brushing my teeth and looking at my recently discarded clothes and the dust bunnies under the cabinet, I was thinking, "Look at you. No wonder your life is crap, you don't deserve better, and you don't do better, and you don't give yourself better, or let yourself have better. You choose to be a mess, and that's the worst sin of all."
No one needs to tell me how self-destructive those thoughts were/are. There's only one thing I can do about it, it seems to me. I have to try to prove myself wrong. If I have any progress with that, I'll be sure to announce it.
Step One, however, was not letting myself down this morning. This meant going to CrossFit and paying my December dues. I woke suddenly at 4:40 this morning, and it was the hardest fight I've ever had to get up and go work out. I had twenty minutes until the alarm, and I spent that time arguing with myself. Threatening, bribing, cajoling myself to get up. I wept and argued and pleaded right back, and in the end I don't even know which side of me won the fight. I just know that I was on my feet. I fought back tears as I hunted for some gym attire and once again glared daggers at myself while brushing my teeth; I didn't even bother with my hair.
I did make it to CrossFit though, and put on my smile for the people there who know me and are glad when I turn up. I worked hard and did my best not to hurt my back, even though I had to scale down a ton of the stuff we did in the WOD.
In the end, I found myself worrying that someday my charm will wear off, and the coaches won't think I'm trying anymore. Soon if I have to use bands, I worry that I won't be a newbie anymore, and that I'll be considered a tourist. I know this is foolish thinking. I know I'll keep trying hard and get better (even though I don't feel like it now.) I know it's the sadness talking.
I walked out of there feeling not totally good, but certainly better. There's a metric crap ton of stuff I need to do today instead of enjoying a Friday night, but I'm more prepared now. I'm also in the mental state now where I can make jokes at the office and sing rap songs in stupid voices or jam to The Safety Dance. I'm doing well enough now to hide how unwell I am.
As my best friend has told me for many years, sometimes when you don't feel it (confidence, usually), you have to fake it until it becomes real. Here's to you, my friend. And here's to today's Reason: because someday it will be real, I have to believe that.
Warm Up:
Ten Minutes
-500 Meter Row
-10 Inch Worms
-10 PVC Pass Throughs
-15 Birthday Burpees!
-10 Roaming Plank
Skill:
Rope Climbing
WOD:
Beast 12 for Time
-50 Walking Lunges
-20 Pull Ups
-50 Box Jumps (2 45lb Bumper Plates for me, jump up/step down, to avoid back injury)
-20 Double Unders
-25 Ring Dips (I did box Tricep Dips)
-20 Knees To Elbows
-30 KettleBell Swings (18lb, to avoid back injury)
-30 Sit Ups
-20 Hang Squat Cleans with Dumbbells (I did Medicine Ball Cleans - 14lb)
-25 Back Extensions
-30 Wall Balls (14lb)
-3 Rope Climbs (I did half-rope climbs from a box since Coach H didn't like the way my back was working. So I did 9 of these, as prescribed.)
Time: 24:51
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