Almost didn't get up today. I was tossing and turning all night as the snowy rain mix fell and at some point in the middle of the night I thought to myself that CrossFit wouldn't happen. I was disappointed in myself because I hadn't gone in a week, but there's something about the winter time and the night time that just makes me wonder why I even try to pretend that I can be happy and do extravagant things like going to the gym.
Then I got up. I wasn't sure anyone would show up at the box because the roads were bad and some of the traffic lights were out and parts of the city had no power and all the schools were closed, but Coach H was there. A bunch more trickled in and suddenly the gym was full. The energy in the room was good, and I didn't kill myself during the workout. I set a new Personal Record with Toes to Bar, and made conversation with another girl that I see there most mornings. It felt like being with friends. Even my very first CrossFit friend, "J" was there. I hadn't seen him in a long time. Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
10 Minutes
-15 PVC Pass Throughs
-15 Wall Balls (14lb)
1:00 Battle Ropes
-250 Meter Row
-5 Super Man or Spider Man Push Ups
-15 Ball Slams (25lb)
Skill:
5 Rounds
:30 Toes to Bar (I didn't know I could do this, but I tried it, and I can!!! 12 of them total!) and Knees to Elbows
:30 Rest
WOD:
5 Rounds
3 Minutes with 30 Second rest between rounds.
-3 Push Press (I used 15lb Dumbells instead of the bar thanks to my elbow. It went ok.)
-3 Hand Release Push Ups
-6 Lunges
I did 20 Total.
At work today, my head was all over the place. One minute energetic and flying from the good morning I had and optimistic about the future and sassy and frisky and fun... and then all the energy was gone and it was like having the wind knocked out of me.
My friend asked me if I knew my triggers--knew what could knock me down so quickly. I do know. It's disappointment in myself.
I can tell that I'm already starting to get weird now that I'm in an official relationship. It always happens. The instant I'm official, I become unfun. I turn into the serious one. I go from fun and breezy to weighted down and too thought provoking. The problem though is that I start dwelling on this, and worrying about it, and beating myself up about it. That spreads to other aspects of my life.
I have to clean my apartment today because it looks like a crime scene after last week. I was too stressed out and subsequently totally shut down and didn't do a single thing around the house. Anyway, I have to clean tonight and I don't want to. I know myself pretty well, and I'm anticipating my laziness will win again and I'll be laying around with Thai food within 10 minutes of walking through the door. Anticipating this laziness, being disgusted at myself for it, realizing that it is all perfectly within my power to change, and suspecting that I will not... that's the worst. I hate myself. I hate every inch of me and question why I ever fool myself into thinking I'm going to succeed in life.
I begin to doubt everything. Maybe I'm not really a good student. Maybe I don't really enjoy the things I like to do. Maybe I am not good at my job. Maybe I'm not meant for anything better than this.
A deep breath.
Time to go home and see if I have got what it takes to not let myself down.
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