Fear and Rage and Trust

A lot of this week has been "DOOM", as my friend likes to say. Monday after CrossFit, I was feeling relatively good, but then by the afternoon, I was dark. I went home to my apartment, which was a mess, and felt disappointed with myself. The only thing I could muster up the enthusiasm to do was work on a little crafting project, but in the end I went to bed feeling blue. 

Tuesday found me awake at 5 for CrossFit, but I didn't go. Of course, the rest of Tuesday was bad. I know that going to the box is one of the only things that can make my depressed turns feel manageable, but I still have so much trouble getting myself to go. 

This is a good one, if you you're interested. 

Let me tell you about my days here at the lab. I can analyze mold in my microscope for hours on end, but it does get a little boring, so we're allowed to listen to music or whatever while we work. Sometimes music just gets old though, and so I throw in documentaries most days. I can stream them while working, and since most documentaries are just a bunch of stock footage with some 'expert' giving an interview or a narrator describing the topic, I don't need to 'watch'. I'm beginning to wonder if listening to so many documentaries about the degrading environment and the flawed political system and the imminent collapse of the economy and depletion of natural resources is making me more depressed. 

Not just because it's sad hearing how screwed up the world is, but because in conjunction with all the research I do for school about these very same topics, the ideas are leaking into all parts of my life. I feel guilty about what I eat because it's not healthy or good for the planet or ethically harvested, or is irradiated or contaminated. I feel like I should be shot when I look at the collection of plastic bags under my sink. I feel guilty for owning things because there are people with nothing out there who would probably like to shove the sequined $100 pair of shoes I'm looking at down my throat. I feel like I can't even be proactive about avoiding pregnancy by taking the pill because it will screw with my body and the hormones in the water supply thereafter will make mutated frogs. I feel endlessly endlessly endlessly horrible about carrying around debt. Say what you will about student loans being a good investment, I still feel like I'm part of the problem as I live beyond my means.

Being depressed can mean a few things to me. It means that I'm sad for no reason sometimes. It means that I'm sad and violently upset over little things in my life that shouldn't bother me to that degree. It means getting derailed from my goals so often that I wonder if I'll ever finish anything. It means worrying worrying worrying about things I can and can't control in my own life. It means worrying over and feeling guilty about things that don't even directly concern me. It means robbing myself of the ability to do what I need to be doing or want to be doing. It means not trusting myself AT ALL. I don't trust myself. I expect I'm going to let myself down. I anticipate failure. 

Anyway, lately I've been thinking that because my brain is learning so many new things, I'm getting too sensitive, and am hurting myself over shit that I have no business being depressed about. This reminds me of a poem by Hal Sirowitz: 

The Benefits of Ignorance

If ignorance is bliss, Father said, 
shouldn't you be looking blissful? 
You should check to see if you have
the right kind of ignorance. If you're
not getting the benefits that most people
get from acting stupid, then you should
go back to what you always were— 
being too smart for your own good.

I certainly look like one of those hippie types. 

Maybe not knowing about conspiracies, or learning about conservation issues... being ignorant, means being able to disassociate from the big problems out in the world. Maybe disconnecting myself from the responsibility of choosing fish that's been approved by the Marine Stewardship Council and other things that I habitually obsess over could lead to me not feeling bad all the time. 

How horrible that I'm considering compromising my morals and saying "not my problem" in order to preserve my happiness.

Who am I kidding? The world matters more to me than I do, and so my own happiness would never be a good enough reason to pretend that saving the world isn't my responsibility. Should I feel proud? 


So Tuesday was a bad day. I begged Coworker M to pick a restaurant and that I'd buy her lunch. I knew that I wouldn't eat if left to my own devices, and another side effect of the bad days is that I seem incapable of making a decision. So we went and had breakfast at the Leo's, and I did my best not to cry and tried to make conversation. 

I must have been a little more obvious about my state of mind than I had intended though, because the Boyfriend (lol, still not over it.) was concerned enough about me to drive down from Mt. Pleasant to keep me company as I sat and tried to get some homework done. He sat next to me and coached me into working before taking me to my favorite Mexican restaurant and renting some Disney movies for us. He wouldn't let me be mad about how messy my apartment was, and he kept arguing with me whenever I criticized myself until I stopped picking on me. 

Wednesday morning, he drove me to work, and then he brought everyone in my office Dunkin Donuts. As I stood holding a box of donuts and listened to my coworkers tell me how sweet "A" is and how I will get used to someone treating me the way I deserve, I felt myself on the verge of a good cry. It is just such a relief that someone wants to take care of me, and even though I protest, they insist on being there for me (because I need them to, even if I don't want to admit it). I'm actually tearing up again right now as I remember how it felt yesterday. Next time I'll just have to get him to bring me grapefruit or something instead. Maybe an avocado. Those donuts were trouble. 

Someone once told me in Baja, Mexico that the people who cry easily have souls that are close to the surface. I liked that. 

Life Changing Trip. Baja 2011

Today I did get up and go to CrossFit. Thank goodness. 

Warm Up:
Tabata x4
:20 Mountain Climbers
:10 Rest
:20 Ball Slams (20lb)
:10 Jumping Lunges
:20 Burpees
:10 Rest
:20 Burpees

Skill:
Breaking down the Snatch.
2x5 Push 
2x5 Snatch Pulls
2x5 Power Snatch (all with just a barbell)

WOD:
AMPRAP 20 Minutes
-10 One Armed Dumbell Snatch (Rx for women was 25lbs, I did 15. I should have done 25.)
-10 Ring Dips (Blue Band)
-Kettlebell Swings (Rx 35lbs!!!! I did it! First time I ever Rx'ed anything!) until fail.