Fear and Rage and Trust

A lot of this week has been "DOOM", as my friend likes to say. Monday after CrossFit, I was feeling relatively good, but then by the afternoon, I was dark. I went home to my apartment, which was a mess, and felt disappointed with myself. The only thing I could muster up the enthusiasm to do was work on a little crafting project, but in the end I went to bed feeling blue. 

Tuesday found me awake at 5 for CrossFit, but I didn't go. Of course, the rest of Tuesday was bad. I know that going to the box is one of the only things that can make my depressed turns feel manageable, but I still have so much trouble getting myself to go. 

This is a good one, if you you're interested. 

Let me tell you about my days here at the lab. I can analyze mold in my microscope for hours on end, but it does get a little boring, so we're allowed to listen to music or whatever while we work. Sometimes music just gets old though, and so I throw in documentaries most days. I can stream them while working, and since most documentaries are just a bunch of stock footage with some 'expert' giving an interview or a narrator describing the topic, I don't need to 'watch'. I'm beginning to wonder if listening to so many documentaries about the degrading environment and the flawed political system and the imminent collapse of the economy and depletion of natural resources is making me more depressed. 

Not just because it's sad hearing how screwed up the world is, but because in conjunction with all the research I do for school about these very same topics, the ideas are leaking into all parts of my life. I feel guilty about what I eat because it's not healthy or good for the planet or ethically harvested, or is irradiated or contaminated. I feel like I should be shot when I look at the collection of plastic bags under my sink. I feel guilty for owning things because there are people with nothing out there who would probably like to shove the sequined $100 pair of shoes I'm looking at down my throat. I feel like I can't even be proactive about avoiding pregnancy by taking the pill because it will screw with my body and the hormones in the water supply thereafter will make mutated frogs. I feel endlessly endlessly endlessly horrible about carrying around debt. Say what you will about student loans being a good investment, I still feel like I'm part of the problem as I live beyond my means.

Being depressed can mean a few things to me. It means that I'm sad for no reason sometimes. It means that I'm sad and violently upset over little things in my life that shouldn't bother me to that degree. It means getting derailed from my goals so often that I wonder if I'll ever finish anything. It means worrying worrying worrying about things I can and can't control in my own life. It means worrying over and feeling guilty about things that don't even directly concern me. It means robbing myself of the ability to do what I need to be doing or want to be doing. It means not trusting myself AT ALL. I don't trust myself. I expect I'm going to let myself down. I anticipate failure. 

Anyway, lately I've been thinking that because my brain is learning so many new things, I'm getting too sensitive, and am hurting myself over shit that I have no business being depressed about. This reminds me of a poem by Hal Sirowitz: 

The Benefits of Ignorance

If ignorance is bliss, Father said, 
shouldn't you be looking blissful? 
You should check to see if you have
the right kind of ignorance. If you're
not getting the benefits that most people
get from acting stupid, then you should
go back to what you always were— 
being too smart for your own good.

I certainly look like one of those hippie types. 

Maybe not knowing about conspiracies, or learning about conservation issues... being ignorant, means being able to disassociate from the big problems out in the world. Maybe disconnecting myself from the responsibility of choosing fish that's been approved by the Marine Stewardship Council and other things that I habitually obsess over could lead to me not feeling bad all the time. 

How horrible that I'm considering compromising my morals and saying "not my problem" in order to preserve my happiness.

Who am I kidding? The world matters more to me than I do, and so my own happiness would never be a good enough reason to pretend that saving the world isn't my responsibility. Should I feel proud? 


So Tuesday was a bad day. I begged Coworker M to pick a restaurant and that I'd buy her lunch. I knew that I wouldn't eat if left to my own devices, and another side effect of the bad days is that I seem incapable of making a decision. So we went and had breakfast at the Leo's, and I did my best not to cry and tried to make conversation. 

I must have been a little more obvious about my state of mind than I had intended though, because the Boyfriend (lol, still not over it.) was concerned enough about me to drive down from Mt. Pleasant to keep me company as I sat and tried to get some homework done. He sat next to me and coached me into working before taking me to my favorite Mexican restaurant and renting some Disney movies for us. He wouldn't let me be mad about how messy my apartment was, and he kept arguing with me whenever I criticized myself until I stopped picking on me. 

Wednesday morning, he drove me to work, and then he brought everyone in my office Dunkin Donuts. As I stood holding a box of donuts and listened to my coworkers tell me how sweet "A" is and how I will get used to someone treating me the way I deserve, I felt myself on the verge of a good cry. It is just such a relief that someone wants to take care of me, and even though I protest, they insist on being there for me (because I need them to, even if I don't want to admit it). I'm actually tearing up again right now as I remember how it felt yesterday. Next time I'll just have to get him to bring me grapefruit or something instead. Maybe an avocado. Those donuts were trouble. 

Someone once told me in Baja, Mexico that the people who cry easily have souls that are close to the surface. I liked that. 

Life Changing Trip. Baja 2011

Today I did get up and go to CrossFit. Thank goodness. 

Warm Up:
Tabata x4
:20 Mountain Climbers
:10 Rest
:20 Ball Slams (20lb)
:10 Jumping Lunges
:20 Burpees
:10 Rest
:20 Burpees

Skill:
Breaking down the Snatch.
2x5 Push 
2x5 Snatch Pulls
2x5 Power Snatch (all with just a barbell)

WOD:
AMPRAP 20 Minutes
-10 One Armed Dumbell Snatch (Rx for women was 25lbs, I did 15. I should have done 25.)
-10 Ring Dips (Blue Band)
-Kettlebell Swings (Rx 35lbs!!!! I did it! First time I ever Rx'ed anything!) until fail.

What You Don't Know...

Almost didn't get up today. I was tossing and turning all night as the snowy rain mix fell and at some point in the middle of the night I thought to myself that CrossFit wouldn't happen. I was disappointed in myself because I hadn't gone in a week, but there's something about the winter time and the night time that just makes me wonder why I even try to pretend that I can be happy and do extravagant things like going to the gym.

Then I got up. I wasn't sure anyone would show up at the box because the roads were bad and some of the traffic lights were out and parts of the city had no power and all the schools were closed, but Coach H was there. A bunch more trickled in and suddenly the gym was full. The energy in the room was good, and I didn't kill myself during the workout. I set a new Personal Record with Toes to Bar, and made conversation with another girl that I see there most mornings. It felt like being with friends. Even my very first CrossFit friend, "J" was there. I hadn't seen him in a long time. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
-15 PVC Pass Throughs
-15 Wall Balls (14lb)
1:00 Battle Ropes
-250 Meter Row
-5 Super Man or Spider Man Push Ups
-15 Ball Slams (25lb)

Skill:
5 Rounds
:30 Toes to Bar (I didn't know I could do this, but I tried it, and I can!!! 12 of them total!) and Knees to Elbows
:30 Rest

WOD:
5 Rounds
3 Minutes with 30 Second rest between rounds.
-3 Push Press (I used 15lb Dumbells instead of the bar thanks to my elbow. It went ok.)
-3 Hand Release Push Ups
-6 Lunges

I did 20 Total.


At work today, my head was all over the place. One minute energetic and flying from the good morning I had and optimistic about the future and sassy and frisky and fun... and then all the energy was gone and it was like having the wind knocked out of me.

My friend asked me if I knew my triggers--knew what could knock me down so quickly. I do know. It's disappointment in myself.

I can tell that I'm already starting to get weird now that I'm in an official relationship. It always happens. The instant I'm official, I become unfun. I turn into the serious one. I go from fun and breezy to weighted down and too thought provoking. The problem though is that I start dwelling on this, and worrying about it, and beating myself up about it. That spreads to other aspects of my life.

I have to clean my apartment today because it looks like a crime scene after last week. I was too stressed out and subsequently totally shut down and didn't do a single thing around the house. Anyway, I have to clean tonight and I don't want to. I know myself pretty well, and I'm anticipating my laziness will win again and I'll be laying around with Thai food within 10 minutes of walking through the door. Anticipating this laziness, being disgusted at myself for it, realizing that it is all perfectly within my power to change, and suspecting that I will not... that's the worst. I hate myself. I hate every inch of me and question why I ever fool myself into thinking I'm going to succeed in life.

I begin to doubt everything. Maybe I'm not really a good student. Maybe I don't really enjoy the things I like to do. Maybe I am not good at my job. Maybe I'm not meant for anything better than this.


A deep breath.


Time to go home and see if I have got what it takes to not let myself down.

Stress Does Nothing For My Coordination

EVERYTHING HAS HAPPENED.

As I sit at my desk pounding half of a stale muffin with tea and wishing it were a grapefruit, I am slowly trying to assimilate everything that has been happening since last I wrote. 

Friday I didn't go to CrossFit, having become overrun with the usual ennui that comes periodically (lol!) with being a woman (gross.) I felt a little down about it, but set out to have a romantic evening with the boy at The Melting Pot. It was a nice night and he mentioned 'defining our relationship'. We didn't really finish the conversation though. I spent the night pondering the situation, and Saturday on a trip to the grocery store, I brought it up again, and by the afternoon, we were Official. Not just official, but Faceficial. It's a little strange to be in a relationship. I wasn't really expecting this to come about just a few months ago, and yet here I am! I worry sometimes that I'm a little too sad to be with anyone. I feel guilty that "A" has to play the "shoulder to cry on" so often. I want to only show him the happy side of me, but I guess I'm really lucky that he won't settle for less than everything. 

But I do have THIS~!

But anyway, enough of the sentimental stuff. No one is interested in seeing adorable photos of us (which is good, because I don't have any.) So Saturday I also talked with a potential housemate in another part of the Metro area, and as of today, I've given notice to my apartment complex that I'll be moving by the end of February. This will be different. I love living alone, and haven't had a roomie since college. I'm hoping that because we're both seriously cool, both love CrossFit (!), and because we'll have a whole house to share and not just an apartment, the situation will work out well. It's certainly going to save me some green, and I don't think the change will impact my schedule at the gym. I should still be able to make the 6 AM class whenever I get my sorry buns out of bed. 

A few minor freak out moments over the weekend meant that I didn't get to my homework as soon as I'd have liked, and the stress from the looming move, stress from not getting my homework done, stress at weirdly being in a relationship all of a sudden (no matter how adorable), stress from foolishly entering a mall on a weekend, and stress from scary LIFE happening without preamble.... kinda led to me taking a sick day on Monday. I think I was coming down with something anyway, and jitters kept me awake all night Sunday, and I just said, "Screw It. I'm staying home." It was also very cold out. 

I spent the day laying around my apartment (on the floor again) dealing with hormones and watching weepy chick flicks until my friend "I" sent me a message along the lines of, "Get off the floor and come to CrossFit at 5:30." I had a "Duh" moment. Of COURSE I should go to CrossFit! I always feel better about my stress levels when I go work out. The only way I got through last semester's finals was with CrossFit, why didn't I think of this sooner? 

So I went to the box and the owner once again commented about how much he enjoys my blog, and was really encouraging about my energy to keep taking new directions. It was strange to see so many new faces (night time people rarely come to 6 AM) and extra weird to have "I" there. I was a little nervous that it would be uncomfortable doing my modified sissy workouts with him around seeing how lame I am... but I didn't even notice him. Fortunately, I don't think he saw when I stumbled over my pile of bumper plates either. Here I'd been worried for so long about letting a friend see me in my CrossFit sweaty wimptastic beast mode, but I was so busy dying that I didn't even care. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
-100 Single Unders
-20 Squats
-20 Lunges
-1 Minute Battling Ropes

Skill:
Back Squat
3-3-3
This was really quick, and I shared my station with a nice new woman, so I didn't add on a bunch of weight. I still do my squats with a box, but I think that was kinda messing her up, as Coach J expressed concern about her form. When we took the box away though, she did an excellent job (according to the other Coach "B" (I think it was B, I don't know the afternoon coaches) 

WOD:
Rx = 5 Rounds for Time (I did three in 22:51)
"Kelly"
-Run or Row 400 Meters (I rowed, duh.)
-30 Box Jumps (3x 45lb Bumper Plates, which is low... and I still managed to trip over it on my first jump... right in front of Coach B! Yup.)
-30 Wall Balls (With the box. Coach J indicated my form looks good with the box, but that he can see how if I tried going lower than the 20 inches, I'd probably get really wobbly. 



Tonight I'm back to school, which is decidedly uncomfortable considering the amount of protest my body is doing after taking on "Kelly" last night. Pray for me. 

So Much To Say. So I Will!

I'll go ahead and warn you now that this is going to be a long one. I have been saving up lots of things to say for the past several days. I'll start with the fitness and work my way into more esoteric thoughts for the select few who are interested in the inner workings of my brain. 

I'm having ALL THE THOUGHTS

I would just like to begin by saying that my shoulders and chest are still sore from Monday's WOD. I know this is a good sign, it means I'm breaking down the muscle and it will build itself up stronger! Last night, since I didn't go to CrossFit yesterday, and was having absolutely horrid cake temptations, I took up a friend's challenge to do 1000 Sit Ups. As I did them I alternated with traditional Sit Ups and Reverse Sit Ups (Leg Levers). It took a lot out of me and nearly 90 minutes of my evening. That was fine though, since I had a long Bollywood movie playing the whole time and could hum along to the catchy music. After the Sit Ups, I did 150 band assisted Squats. My legs were disinterested in supporting me after the Sit Ups, so the band was really helpful. Wish I could stick the squats better though. They still aren't where I want them to be. 

Anyway, last night's adventure made this morning's WOD extra special. Here's what we did:


Warm Up:
8-10 Minutes
-250 Meter Row
-5 Farmers' Carry
1:00 Battle Ropes
-10 Lunges
-10 Squats

Skill:
Deadlift
5-3-3-3-3
I had a new Personal Record!!! 82lbs

WOD:
3-5-7-9-11-13-15-17-19-21
-Burpee Ball Slams (20lb)
-Toes to Bar (I did Knees to Elbows)

33:07


I was the last person to finish, as usual, going on over into the 7 AM class' time. I have no idea how everyone else finished so quickly! I wonder if they did the typical progression of 9-12-15 instead of 9-11-13-15. Otherwise I'm just stupidly, ridiculously slow, as I was a whole round behind everyone else. I thought Coach H was particularly precious in her choice to make the progression go up instead of down today. It was horrible. I did feel like I got a great workout though, and I managed not to hurt my back at all!


Now for some of the other talk.


This blog is not just about working out, it's also about my mental fitness. This quote from an article in the New Yorker (Which I heard in the Zeitgeist: Moving Forward movie) gave me a lot of food for thought at the time: 

"'It's all in the genes': an explanation for the way things are that does not threaten the way things are. Why should someone feel unhappy or engage in antisocial behavior when that person is living in the freest and most prosperous nation on earth? It can't be the system! There must be a flaw in the wiring somewhere."

Ever since beginning my Master's work in Project Dragonfly, I have been experiencing rapid leaps in thought. Whole new avenues have been opened in my mind, and I am thinking orders of magnitude more than I ever have before. A recurring thought is that if I could just understand a little more, then the big picture would all make sense. Food is connected to economics to politics to environmentalism to education to health to happiness. Everything is connected and I feel just short of 'getting it'.

Sadly, the more I am learning about the world, the more I'm seeing that it's flawed. So very, very flawed. (But hey, that's Nature, right?)  I see sadness and illness growing in the world where we all have so much and so many opportunities to not only make our own lives awesome, but to spread that benevolence to the less fortunate, raising them up to our level.

Why is that? I'm starting to think that it's because deep down, we know something is wrong. We're not doing what we need to be doing, not being who we really are as individuals, communities, nations, and as human beings. Maybe my depression isn't simply because of chemicals and hormones in my brain, but because I know the world is broken, and I don't know (yet) how to fix it. 


That leads me to my next topic: Inspiration. 


In the town I grew up in, there was a man called Dr. Aeneas Constantine. He was a world renowned scholar, traveler, collector, and physician. Everyone up North who ever met him can only say how very intelligent he was, how outstanding, how impressive his life was. He never stopped learning, and after his death, his home/clinic/observatory (with a legit HUGE telescope and dome ceiling) became a museum and learning center. Years and years later, the Historical Society is still trying to catalog his collection of first edition books. 

I want to be like him. I want to inspire people. I've come to love learning, and my only regret is that I didn't realize it sooner. I already feel like I'm so far behind that I'll never catch up. My opportunities to be a researcher or to study science more hard-core were left behind at my Liberal Arts college. I haven't been social enough to have gotten the courage to converse openly and critically with the few highly intellectual and inspiring people I've had the privilege to meet. 

If I could continue learning, and growing, and being a really great person and living my principles, I like to think that my life could be an inspiration to someone. I seriously dream of saving the world (when I'm not having one of my dark, frightened/frightening days). I want to fix problems. I want to go into politics, I want to be a scientist, I want to learn to play the game better than all the cheaters and cut-throat types so that I may WIN, and help solve issues that have been left to rot because they're not profitable, or don't benefit the right people. 


Now this leads me handily into my next point: school is back in session. 


I'm resisting my habit of being one of "those" people in my classes. Unfortunately, I suspect my writing style makes me sound less funny and more smarty-pantsish and superior in online learning communities like my Master's workshops. I'm super excited to begin my last year though. I'm very curious where they're going to send me for my field work, and I'm hoping to make the most of the experience and maybe write about it. 

Anyway, one of my classes is about leadership and the other is a workshop designed to get me published in a peer-reviewed journal, or other venue. I'm pretty nervous about this, but I see it as a great opportunity to create something and put it out into the world. Wouldn't that be sweet? I'm actually hoping to take the workshop in a new direction, and focus my efforts on maybe doing a TED talk instead of a standard journal publication.  

My work has focused on designing a business plan for small Michigan companies to A) Be more environmentally friendly. B) Benefit their communities. C) Attract (and keep) skilled labor to the state by offering amenities and incentives that inspire loyalty and happiness in workers. and D) Profit while doing these things. 

I think it could be a really great "Idea worth spreading" through TED. At the very least one of the local events would be nifty to present at!


Speaking of education, lets move on to my next discussion point: I WANT TO LEARN ALL THE THINGS. 

I shouldn't be so excited about this. 

I have a few text books arriving this week that are addressing one of my goals from earlier this month: Learn a skill, specifically, learn about muscles and functional movement. I got myself some books from the National  Strength and Conditioning Association and have been gleefully making flash cards of vocabulary from the first chapter in one of them the past few days. I really want to understand what I'm doing at CrossFit. I want to know which muscles are the counterbalance to which other muscles. I want to know what muscle is hurting in my rib area right now after all the Push Ups this week. 

This got me to thinking. If I continue on this path to a healthier and happier me, maybe someday I could help others do the same. If I get good at working out and understanding it, and if I can eat right and be healthy, if I can make myself happier... could I become a trainer? My "Soul Sister N", is a therapist (the mental health kind, not the physical kind) and also a personal trainer. She dreams of someday having her own practice where she uses a holistic approach to mental health, including exercise as well as counselling. I think that's so wonderful, and I sometimes daydream about helping her in her work. 


That brings up my final point: The Future


Lately I've been completely overcome with thoughts about the future. I feel like I've got something big in store for me. I'm bound for greater things than I'm doing now. The spring is always a time of transition for me, probably because my leases always run out in February/March, and I feel change in the air. I want to do so many things and I feel the tug of adventure. I want to ride off into the sunset and continue on the path to become Brilliant.  I hope that I can be amazing, and still be the type of person that is 100% there for people, and that I someday have the means and freedom to support any cause I choose, or begin any project, or finish any endeavor that I or my friends come up with. 

Creeps and Bruising: A Tale of the Modern Woman

Friday night saw my boss "M" and I taking a walk outside and playing on the monkey bars and weird wobbly children's play area structures at a local park. The weather was exceptionally fine for a January evening, and we were in only sweatshirts as we scaled the mini climbing wall and challenged the strange spinny bar thing. 

Later, we went out dancing at a nightspot known for its older crowd of ladies. (Hello cougars!) M looked gorgeous, rocking out her usual BAMF style and we attracted a few creepers since we were the youngest women there, by far. I was thoroughly disgusted when some drooling douche-nozzle informed me that I was very good-looking and that I was impressing him before unceremoniously waggling his tongue at me with what I can only assume was lascivious intent. I'm afraid my reply may not have been particularly ladylike.  As it was, we rapidly lost the boogie fever and headed home. I felt pretty good about the night though, sometimes you just have to cut loose and dance like no one is watching. 

After a busy weekend of entertaining and generally wandering around town and spending exorbitant amounts of time straightening my hair, I was happy to bop out of bed this morning at five and head for CrossFit. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
-15 PVC Pass-Throughs
-250 Meter Row
1:00 Battle Ropes
-15 Ball Slams (20lb)
1:00 Plank

Skill:
Snatch
5-3-3-3-1

WOD:
AMRAP 3 Minutes - 5 Rounds with 1 Minute Rest between each. 
-3 Power Snatch (22lb Yay! I can finally do an overhead lift in a WOD!)
-4 Front Squat (22lb)
-5 Push Ups (Knees, which is better than box! My knees are black and blue now though...)

Reps Completed: 18


I had big plans to write about environmentalism and learning and inspiring people in this blog and to vent some frustration and to jabber about some new plans and ideas, but I find myself suddenly overcome with nausea. 

This better not be the flu, or I'm going to start a riot. Anyway, I'll try to remember to write about that stuff another day. 

Hurricane Christine

I'm a little proud of myself again today. I've been having a relatively blue week, feeling very "meh". I wanted to work out every day, but I knew on Monday that something was off, so I gave myself some goals. I said that I'd go to CrossFit on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for sure, and give myself the option of going Tuesday and Thursday. I ended up going the three days, and working on my own Tuesday. 

I had planned on going and jumping on the WOD last night, but I ended up working late instead. It was a Tabata workout though, according to the whiteboard, and I thought I'd give it a go at home. I made stir-fry instead, and some fresh juice! 

This could have been adapted to do at home: 

8 Rounds Each (:20 on, :10 off, for a total of 4 minutes for each movement)
-Tabata Wall Ball Sit-Up: I would have modified to a weighted butterfly sit up with a 15-20lb KettleBell as I don't possess a medicine ball, strangely enough. 
-Tabata Knees to Elbow: I know this is risky on my door mounted pull-up bar, but If I do them strict without any swinging, I feel confident I won't fall off. 
-Tabata Air Squat: Squats are squats. This would have likely been painful to watch.
-Tabata Deadlift High Pulls: I leave my Oly bar at the office most nights, and doubt I could SDHP 45lbs anyway. I'd do this with the 20-25lb KettleBell. 

If I'm feeling energetic this afternoon at work, I may give some of these a go. We'll see though. There's always that high period after working out where I feel like I could pound out another WOD, but within a few hours, I'm sure I'll be regretting how hard I pushed myself with "Christine" today.  In fact, I nearly tossed my cookies! 

Warm Up:
10 Minutes
-50 Mountain Climbers
-10 Pull-Ups
-5 Burpees
-10 Jumping Squats 
-10 Lunges
-100 Flutter Kicks

Skill:
Deadlift
5-3-3-3-1 (I worked my way up to 72lbs today! Feeling good with the deadlifts.)

WOD:
"Christine" 3 Rounds for Time
-Row 500 Meters
-12 Deadlifts (Rx: Body Weight. Scaled: 1/2 BW. I did 52lbs, so 15-18lbs or so under the scaled workout. That's not too bad.)
-21 Box Jumps (Rx: 20 inches for women. I used 3x 45lb bumper plates to reduce the impact. It's shocking how quickly these steal my energy!)

Time: 13:15 

I am exceptionally proud of my time. I pounded out the deadlifts very quickly, and my form felt excellent, pulling in my hamstrings and abs, and not at all in my back, shoulders, or arms. My box jumps were slow, but the kicker here is the rowing. I was sharing a rowing machine today as there were tons of people at the box at 6 AM. I split with "M", who happens to be one of the avid CrossFitters, and quite fit. 

He was pretty quick, despite jumping on a very tall box and deadlifting approximately a metric crap-ton. He would row while I did my box jumps and deadlifts and I'd row while he completed his. Because he was so fast, I found myself really pushing hard on the rower. I usually like to keep my split-meters between 18 and 20, but I sped up a little today, since the very last thing I wanted to do was keep him waiting while I finished. I managed to keep ahead of him though, and didn't retard his time for the workout. It was kinda cool to be working like that, as it really pushed my limits (I fell off the rower at the end and died a little on the floor).  Typically, I consider the rowing to be the 'rest' period during the workouts. 

You see, I know that I've got to row slowly. The meters should come from a powerful pull, not from multiple quick pulls. The problem is, I'm not super strong yet, and so my slow pace means a leisurely 'rest' during WODs since it takes me a rather long time to complete 500 meters. I'm hoping to improve this.

Somehow less relaxing when you row yourself to nausea. 

While "Christine" isn't one of them, according to this really interesting and super helpful article from CrossFit Journal, I learned a lot about "the girls" benchmark workouts. I always assumed that like many of the Hero WODs, the girls were named for women involved in CrossFit at the beginning. Then someone else told me that they gave these workouts women's names because "If it leaves you flat on your back wondering what the Hell just happened, it deserves a woman's name". (Personally, I found that a little unnerving  as it could be misconstrued with some rape connotations.)  Then I read the article and discovered that much like naming storms, "the girls" were named alphabetically (Angie, Barbara, Chelsea, Diane, Elizabeth, Fran) for convenience. Additionally, an amended version of the above quote was also included, and I find it much less creepy: "anything that leaves you flat on your back and incapacitated only to lure you back for more at a later date certainly deserves naming."

Last night as I was lounging around on the floor in my living room (I don't have a couch), I realized that my posture is terrible. When I'm standing and moving around, I've got excellent posture, but when I sit, I hunch over really bad. I want to work on improving this. 

Today's Reason: Because I'm perfectly capable of pushing myself and not letting my friends or teammates down. 

OMG, I'M A "BRO"

Last night I took some time to do an at-home workout since I didn't make it to CrossFit. I hadn't expected to make it to Crossfit however, since I'd been up late the night before having some time with "A", discussing our situation and reading fortune telling cards. I needed to have the evening talking to him because just like with New Year's Eve, I was feeling very isolated and freaked out in his company. I shouldn't feel so alone when I'm with friends, and I certainly shouldn't feel so uncomfortable around romantic interests. It seems counter-productive!

So it was nice to have a quiet night re-learning how to be near another person in my apartment and not be uncomfortable. Like I said, I read our 'fortunes' with some cards and we laughed about how topical some of the predictions were. Apparently, I'm a psychic (at least that's what a psychic told me once, lol). 

But I digress, I have been more and more frequently having to fight my way through awkwardness around other people. This comes in phases, just like the depression, and I know it will pass, but it's still really frustrating that I can't just relax and be in the moment when I'm with people. 

Anyway, last night I did a bit of work after making a very delicious lemon pudding cake thing. It was super good! Here's what I did for the mini work out. I was quite flushed and sweaty by the time it was over. Those Double Under attempts kicked my butt, and I didn't have any success with them! I have accomplished a DU, but I haven't done it since that first day, and so last night was the first day of more practice with that, because seriously, I should be better at it by now!

-150 Uninterrupted Sit Ups
-60 Renegade Rows (10lb Dumbbells)
10:00 Jump Rope


That brings us to this morning. I realized as I was scraping off my car to go to the box that the hardest part about going to CF in the morning was over. It is the first 5-10 minutes after my alarm goes off, while I'm weighing the pros and cons of getting up and going to the gym. I managed to find more pros to getting up today, so that's good. I hope I can continue thinking of reasons though, because the whole "you get to look at men's muscles if you go!!!" seems a little misguided. Here's what we did:


Warm Up:
Ten Minutes
-100 Jump Rope
-100 Flutter Kicks
1:00 High Knees
-25 Lateral Jumps
1:00 Plank

Skill:
Back Squat
5-3-3-3-1 (I hit up to 52 lbs with a box. Also did this racked for the first time since joining CF)

WOD:
3 Rounds for Time
-12 Front Squats (42lbs)
-12 Burpee Pull Ups (Used a box)

Finisher:
3 Rounds 
-25 KettleBell Swings
-25 Ball Slams (25 and then 15lbs)

I had to stop half-way through the finisher today as my back gave me a particularly poignant stabbing feeling all of a sudden. At first I thought it was just a stitch in my side from bouncing around during the workout, but then when I bent over to retrieve my slam ball, my back informed me that I could go f* myself. 

It was disappointing to have to stop, but the pain was a little frightening, especially since it's been 7 hours and it is still stabbing me. Yikes!


As is usual after CrossFit, I got to work and started the coffee before getting cleaned up and changing into my work clothes (I may not be the most productive employee, but darn it, I can make sure my boss has coffee waiting for him when he gets here!). For some reason, I was uncomfortable after changing out of my gym attire though. I kept being irritated as I went about my business for the first hour or so, wondering why I wore a T-shirt under my flannel, as it was bunching up and too tight around my shoulders/biceps. Then I realized I was wearing a tank top! I haven't worn this flannel shirt in a while, and it is glaringly obvious today that my arm muscles are now too big to fit in these skinny Holister sleeves!!! It's kinda freaky actually, and highly uncomfortable. I look like one of those "bro" type guys who wears shirts that are too small in order to look muscular. It's very weird. 

What the Hell?

OhGodOhGodOhGod

What does it mean!?!

The punishment of taking Several weeks off of CrossFit was going back last Friday to do an butt-kicking Hero WOD.

We didn't really warm up or do skills, as this workout took a "long darn time".

WOD:
"Lumberjack 20 Hero WOD"
-20 Deadlifts (53lbs)
-Row 400 Meters
-20 KettleBell Swings (26lbs)
-Row 400 Meters
-20 Overhead Squats (I did goblet squats with the KB, since I was wobbly.)
-Row 400 Meters
-20 Burpees
-Row 400 Meters
-20 Chest to Bar Pull Ups (bands, of course.)
-Row 400 Meters
-20 Box Jumps (3x 45lb bumper plates)
-Row 400 Meters
-20 Dumbbell Squat Cleans
-Row 400 Meters

Time: Oh Gosh, it was over 30 minutes sometime.


Not going to lie, those DB Squat Cleans nearly sent me to vomit-town. Oof. It was really great to be back at CrossFit though, and the hugs from the owners made me feel pretty good. They are exceptionally caring of me there, for their part. Coach H is always checking up on the state of my back and making sure I'm not hurting myself. Coach J, while I rarely work with him, is incredibly helpful when it comes to making sure my form is good. Poor man had to actually hold onto my knee while I was doing the Squat Cleans on Friday, lol. That's how wobbly it was.

Over the weekend, I wasn't as sore as I thought I was going to be, which was nice. I'm still going through the New Year's phase where I assess my life and my goals, and so I was thinking a lot about opportunity cost, especially as it relates to 3 areas of my life:

-Finances/Health
-Roots/Freedom
-Autonomy/Companionship

Finances/Health: I have to consider the things I'm giving up financially in order to be able to afford things like CrossFit and good food. (Although last night I hit Randazzo's and got a ton of stuff for a whopping $12) This means that I won't be frivolously having wine dinners or runs to Target at lunch. No more throwing money into weight loss challenges that I'm sure to lose. I need to spend my money on good food and CrossFit. I know it sounds a little silly, but it really sucks not being able to buy nutritious foods. 

Roots/Freedom: I've been thinking a lot about this one, since this past fall I was really really REALLY wanting to buy a house. I want to settle down and have a yard and a garden and a home of my own where I can not feel ashamed of inviting people over. I want neighbors. I want a puppy! Unfortunately, tying myself down with a house is not only stupendously financially risky at this particular juncture, but it may also keep me away from opportunities. What if my company decides to open another office somewhere and want me to go work in it (Lol, a girl can dream!)? Would I say no? Would I have a house burdening me that I don't even live in? I just don't know. 

I realize that part of my desire to settle down with my own home is because I'm very over waiting. I always grew up with that mentality that someday I'd meet "the one" and we'd get married and get a house and then a family, blah blah. Here I am though, in a holding pattern. Am I waiting for some imaginary guy to come along and make everything happen? Am I waiting to settle down because I'm afraid of doing it alone? F*. That. Noise. I'm more than capable of handling crap on my own, and so why not get a house? Aside from being kept from the freedom to blow away whenever I choose. My wanderlust has been sated each year by my field research trips for the Master's program, but this is my last year. Then what? What if I need to get away? How can I run away from or towards things while hauling around a house and a garden and a bunch of roots? 

Autonomy/Companionship: Autonomy to me is having the ability to make my own decisions and the trust in myself that I can make them for the right moral/ethical political, social, or fiscal reasons. This includes but is not limited to all of the stuff under the other two opportunity cost categories, but also when it comes to relationships. I'm EXCEPTIONALLY independent in some ways when it comes to being in relationships, despite the fact that I'm lonely and looking for love most of the time. I am sincerely bothered by the thought of having to answer to anyone. Is that selfish? Just like when I visit my parents, I find myself vaguely annoyed whenever they even ask me where I'm going or what I'm doing ("I'm just going to the bathroom..."). This extends into my relationships. When I look back at my last official S.O. (my gosh, was it really THAT long ago?!), I remember just being on edge the whole time because someone was in my space, in my business, and trying to get into my head. Isn't it enough that a lover be in your heart and hand?  

By opening myself up to relationships this year, the opportunity cost is not being able to go out all night or to not eat three meals a day. It means feeling obligated to discuss my plans instead of playing things by ear. It means shaving my legs (perhaps the deepest cut of all!) It's going to be hard to adjust, should the situation change. It's going to mean changes in a lot of my friendships as well, as I've never met a man (aside from BFF "J") who didn't get jealous of me spending time with other males. 


Freedom is a beautiful thing. 


Anyway, here's what happened at CrossFit today! I was feeling very sassy this morning and had a fun time. As I drove to the gym, wondering why I was up at such an unholy hour, I realized that CrossFit isn't necessarily my daily workout anymore. It's almost like a sport league or something that I go play with my friends a few times a week. How cool is that? 

Warm Up:
Tabata x 1
:20 Mountain Climbers
:10 Rest
:20 Jump Rope
:10 Double Unders
:20 Jump Rope
:10 Rest
:20 Squats
:10 Rest

Skill:
Clean and Jerk
5-3-3-3-1
I worked at 42lbs since my cleans aren't particularly powerful just yet. The overhead work still ganks up my elbow though, so I was delighted that the WOD was Power Cleans.

WOD:
-15 Power Cleans
-30 Ring Dips
-12 Power Cleans
-24 Ring Dips
-9 Power Cleans
-15 Ring Dips
-6 Power Cleans
-12 Ring Dips
-3 Power Cleans
-6 Ring Dips

Time: 12:56

Finisher:
-300 Single Flutter Kicks

OH. I also thought of another resolution: learn a skill. I discovered recently that I admire my friends and crushes because they are GOOD AT SOMETHING. I don't really have any skills that I learned through practice, so I figure I better pick one up. This "article" agrees with me. 

I Can't Say It Enough

I can't say it enough: "I love the people at CrossFit". 

Life is better with friends that 'get' you. Also a great CF box. 

When I informed the gym owners that I was going to have to take a month off due to having a mere $4 in my bank account, they responded by cutting the price by half-off the regular membership! Either enrollment is down (which seems odd, since it's resolution time) or they like me. Weird.

I'm sore around the middle from doing 150 Sit Ups without pausing on Wednesday as part of my initial fitness assessment for the diary Coworker K got for me. I could have done a few more for max reps, but I wasn't feeling it. They weren't weighted, so I pounded them out fairly quickly and with no difficulty. I guess the December challenge (which I failed, by the way with only 2,200 weighted Sit Ups) really did improve my core strength. I still feel like my back needs some improvement though, since my Push Ups and associated movements feel 'wobbly' in the back. I'm limp I tell you!

Anyway, I took a short lunch today in order to scoot over to the 5:30 session at the box and pay my (much diminished!) dues to the people that have helped me come so far.  My friend "I" is out of town and will not be there. 5:30 is his usual time, and so I tend to avoid going since my CrossFit experience is turning out to be quite a personal thing for me (is that weird?) and I suspect I'd be a little uncomfortable if my friend saw me in that position. I prefer my friends to only see me when I'm relatively put-together and not A) fighting through some dirty, sweaty workout or B) breaking down and crying while doing lunges. Those moments are for me. 

I was talking to "I" the other day though, and after last Wednesday's WOD, Victoria* (I obviously wasn't there that day, having not paid my dues and being busy with cooking and eating ALL THE THINGS.), he texted me to tell me he'd had a breakthrough/breakdown workout day. He's referring to a situation similar to what happened to me back during the 12/19/12 WOD, where he pushed his body to the edge of his endurance, and then overcame the WOD. He walked out of the gym and had a good hard emotional cry and some deep thoughts about his life and all the rest. I felt for him. I understood what he meant when he quoted, "Resolve says, 'I will,' The man says, 'I will climb this mountain. They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky and too difficult. But it's my mountain. I will climb it. You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying." (Jim Rohn) (He didn't quote the whole thing in a text, just the part about waving or dying, but I knew what he meant, haha.) I was proud of him for pushing himself, as he's already so darned fit that it's not easy to break him. I was deeply glad that I'm not the only one who has an emotional connection with my fitness. 

I asked a few other friends yesterday if they'd ever worked out to the point of crying or had any emotional or mental catharsis that kinda 'changed' them. I hear about how some people run to get away from things or clear their head, and that seems common, but no one else said that they feel the same way I do about working out. They do it because they have to, or because they have always been athletes  or because they've got something to train for, or because they want to change their bodies. 

I want to keep meeting people who feel something about their workouts. I want to be part of a community that is mentally, physically, and emotionally invested in understanding their bodies and expecting the most of themselves. I think I'm on the right track to finding these people and this community with CrossFit. <3

*Victoria:
5 Rounds for Time
-10 Thrusters (Rx: 95 male / 65 female)
-14 Box Jumps (24/20)
-12 Sumo Deadlift High Pulls (95/65)
-12 Burpees
-27 Kettlebell Swings (1.5/1 Pood)

Seriously, Why With The Feelingsish Holidays?

The celebration of the new year was fraught with feelings and deep thoughts. I alternated between extremely blue and manically high during the festivities on Monday night and I'm really glad that I'm not going to be drinking like that this coming year. 

I don't like how I am when I drink and I don't like being sad while surrounded by friends. I can only think of one response to my irrational sadness at the party, "steady losing means you ain't using what you really think is right." (John Prine!) 

I think some deep reflection is in order. Am I doing what makes me happy? How can I be better in the coming year? What do I want?

Had some troubling news from a family member after the new year as well, and that brings me to adding another resolution:

-Be more diligent about being there for the people that need me. 




Back to the purpose of the blog (fitness to fight depression, for those of you who don't remember), I am looking forward to a new routine now that I've sobered up. Tonight is year-start measurements, research, and upper body work. I'll let you know if I'm sore tomorrow!