Proud of Me

The past few days have seen me feeling proud of myself. I went to CrossFit yesterday, and was dismayed to see that the WOD included Overhead Squats. With my elbow complaints, back complaints, and squat problems, I thought it was going to be a real drag. Fortunately, I was able to modify to Front Squats, which I don't find as abhorrent as most people appear to. In fact, Coach K complimented my Front Squat, saying it was awesome! I love hearing things like that on days like yesterday. I was feeling like a bit of a failure again, and it was just what I needed to hear!


Warm Up:

Tabata x3
:20 "__________" I can't remember what we called these, but we touched the floor and then jumped up and touched the bar overhead. 
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Burpees
:10 Plank
:20 Squats
:10 Rest

Skill:
Overhead Squat and Front Squat Practice

WOD:
21-15-9
Overhead Squats (I did Front Squats 37lb)
Box Jumps (3x 45lb bumper plates)
1 Minute Plank 

I did it in 10:00

Finisher:
3x 300 Meter Row Sprint


This morning was a strange morning. I talked myself out of bed saying that there's really no good reason for me NOT to go to CrossFit, and then stumbled my way tiredly to the bathroom where I proceeded to hop in the shower... which is odd, since doing that before going to the gym is just silly. Anyway, I made it to the box on time and gave Coach K and Coach H each a pomander as a gesture of holiday spirit and thankfulness for all that they've done to help me. 

THEN I DID MY FIRST DOUBLE UNDER. On accident. I was doing my usual DU attempts during the warm up, and wondering why I can't seem to break through and actually get one. Then I thought "F* it, just tighten up the abs and roll with it, it will come on its own." Then the rope was behind me unexpectedly and it occurred to me that I'd just succeeded! I managed to do it again too a bit later, so it wasn't a fluke. Finally, some improvement! I could barely jump rope at all when I started. 

During the Squat Bottoms we did for the warm up, both of the coaches also complimented my squats, which was really cool. I'm still using a dumbbell to counterbalance me, and I've been trying to improve the flexibility while I'm at it, and it is so nice to be affirmed when I make progress. I cannot express how much it matters to me that someone is pleased by my success. 

I worked on using the proper grip today too during our skill set, hanging from my fingers instead of my palms. I think the sit ups are improving my core strength as well, because I'm getting better at keeping my knees up while I dangle. The different grip doesn't necessarily feel weaker, since I didn't have any hand strength the other way either, but I'm certainly feeling it in my arms and wrists now!


Warm Up:
Tabata x3
:20 Double Unders (!!!!!)
:10 Single Unders
:20 Squat Bottom
:10 Rest
:20 Jumping Jacks
:10 Rest
:20 Hand Kicks
:10 Rest

Skill:
Pull Ups 
3x 10 progressively fewer bands
-Hang from bar (:40 seconds using proper grip)

WOD:
5x For Time (Measured Each Round)
-10 (each arm) Renegade Rows (8lb)
-20 (each leg) Lunges
-20 Ball Slams (20lb)
1 Minute Rest

Total Time 23:00 (not counting rests) 


During this WOD, I was literally the last person to finish. I didn't walk out of there until the 7 o'clock class was getting their instructions for the warm up. I struggled. The Renegade Rows did not hurt me the way I had worried they might, but my body (for the first time at CrossFit) told me I was asking for too much.  

With every lunge, I lost my balance which isn't unusual. The problem today was that as I stood back up, my fatigued legs would alternate giving out on me, landing me on my knees during a simple unweighted exercise. It was incredibly demoralizing.  I did a round or two with squats instead (40), but that added whole minutes to my time, since my legs were equally exhausted in a squat position. I had to take a knee.  The ball slams started out at the RX 25lb, but I dropped it back to twenty after the first round as I noticed that I wasn't able to dead lift and then clean it up without losing my form. I had to rest after 4-5 slams each round as my legs shook where I stood. 

I felt like my tank was on empty, my muscles couldn't give me any more, which is very unusual when I typically walk out of there wanting to go home and pound out some extracurricular work. As I struggled through my third round and watched everyone else finish one by one from my vantage point near the white board, I worried for the first time if this would be the WOD I gave up on. Sure, I've run out of time before, but I've never felt like giving up. I nearly cried when I finished the fourth round and had to begin again as everyone cleaned up and started heading out.  But I didn't stop.

My friend, "I" told me once that there would come a time when my body would surprise me, and that I'd feel like I can't possibly go on. That I'll fight through it and break down in tears when it is over, because I'll have broken a barrier inside myself. Today was not that day, but I got a taste of the feeling. If I'd not been high on those two DU's and on my Front Squats with my nice high elbows... I may not have finished today. 

That brings us to today's Reason: Because I will never surrender, even when my legs give out from under me and I shake and cry and hurt. Even if it takes all day, I'll never surrender. 


"I" told me he was proud of me, which was the straw that broke the camel's back I guess. It's not just that it's great to hear that from someone that I look up to as a role-model in my fitness, but I realized when he said so that I'm proud of Myself. I've said that before, but today, it means a little more to me. It means that I like something about me more than I hate myself. It means that the depression is losing to self-esteem.

That's when I cried. 

I'm going to be okay.