RECON

So, where was I? 

Oh yes, still "fluffy" around the middle, stressed out, and broke. This week I've been trying to simplify and declutter a bit in an effort to streamline my life for thrift purposes and yesterday morning as I got dressed for a fundraising dinner, feeling all proud of myself for doing my hair and looking nice, I noticed that most of my clothes don't fit. Not just some of them, but most of them. Most of my really nice business attire, specifically. 
Sadly, they don't fit because they're too small, not because I'm too svelte to be wearing them anymore. Bummer. 

So I pulled a bunch of stuff out of my drawers and closet and took them to work to see if anyone was interested in taking the cute things. The rest will be going in the garage sale on 9/14. 

I know some of the clothes had been held onto in prior purges because I was dreaming of fitting into them again. When I was 20-30 lbs less, I had some really adorable clothes to wear! Alas, there's no going back. Even if I work out religiously, I know now that the only reason I was that small was because I was incredibly active and malnourished. When I finally achieve some semblance of fitness again, it's going to be full of muscles, and I likely won't fit into those clothes anymore anyway. I need to get rid of them instead of clinging to them out of this sense of nostalgia. 


Anyway, I've had to stop the CrossFit what with not being able to pay all my bills and such, so here's the new and improved plan for staying active now that I don't have a gym home. 

"A" and I are going to try to get together three times a week to work out, utilizing the fitness center at the condo complex he lives in. It's got limited amenities, with a recumbent bike, elliptical, treadmill, and a bow-flexish looking combination weight machine. There's also a pool, and the whole facility is accessed with a palm scanner. It's so hilarious getting into a tiny room with generic machines using a pin code and having your palm print scanned. Surreal. 

Anyway, "A" is more of a typical weightlifting athlete, starting his workouts with a mile run, then doing a few specific weight training exercises for 3 sets of 15 or whatever. Then he concludes with another mile and an ab routine. 

I devised a WOD using Google and the thought "hotel gym WODs" for our first workout... which was supposed to be last night. Here's what I had planned to do:

Warm Up:
-20 Minute "Run" on the elliptical (I am still trying to avoid those shin splints.)

WOD 1:
5 Minute AMRAP
-7 Lat Pulldowns
-10 Push Ups

WOD 2:
5 Minute AMRAP
-5x 1 arm alternating KB presses
-10 Sit Ups

Finisher:
2 Minute AMRAP
-Burpees


Using my new and improved life organization skills, I was all packed up and prepared to hit the gym after work yesterday. Alas, I failed to factor in how long the fundraising dinner would take! 

We ended up not getting home until 9 pm from the restaurant. (Where I ate terribly, by the way. All sorts of delicious fried food and a vodka mojito.)

I guess in hindsight I should have planned better and realized that we would be out socializing long after supper was finished. Rats. I'm actually kinda "meh" this morning and bummed out as a result.  It is really obvious that "A" and I are the type to put off a workout and by lazy instead of motivating each other to get to it.

I am worried that we're going to have a hard time making this plan work with our schedules, which is a real shame, because I think we'd enjoy working out together and I know I certainly want to be doing more things with him since it seems like when we get to hang out, we're either at his softball league or I'm sleeping. (Or both!)


As an incentive to help us meet our workout goals though, I thought a nice little present was in order. This will also keep me from blowing money whenever I find something I want. One gift after completing a specific goal for X amount of time. That's the new rule!

I was thinking that if we both meet our fitness goals of working out 3 times a week for 3 months, we can each get a new shirt from Rogue, since we are very fond of the ones we have. I may or may not be dreaming of more matching T-shirts. Is that weird? 

Wouldn't we be cute in this? Photo courtesy of www.roguefitness.com

I'm hoping for better times ahead, and I'm weighing my options because I really want to make my fitness a priority in my life even though I'm trying to downsize my spending and also have more time to be at home taking care of my personal needs. My buddy "I" has suggested that I tag along with him to LA Fitness to work on building my strength, since apparently "Strength is a bucket into which you pour fitness. Bigger the bucket, the more it can hold." 

He thinks that I'll meet my goals for looking better and being stronger sooner if I focus on my strength and not just keep sporadically WODing. I'm inclined to believe him, since he's always been very helpful in my past endeavors to understand my workouts. Anyway, maybe on nights when I'm in my home city instead of out where "A" lives I will be able to hit up the free weights at LA Fitness, utilizing his guest privileges. 

All I know is that I feel lousy today for eating crap and not meeting my daily organizational and self-care goals. I don't feel guilty, I physically feel terrible, and I can only blame the fried food and being dehydrated. I was also having a really great week, taking care of my other new life goals, and yesterday felt like it derailed them, and today seems to be going that direction as well. 

Whole Life Challenge

So, I've signed up for The Whole Life Challenge and I'm a little excited. I'm not being as great about working out as I should be, but I'm hopeful that since I've been spending significant amounts of time organizing and cleaning out my house lately, and because I've been trying to get my stuff together in different areas, and have managed to pack my lunch a few times this week and am sleeping and smiling and even went for a walk in the park yesterday..

I'm hoping that things are going to go alright. 

I'm hoping the fresh start (8762 fresh starts and counting!) will be a great beginning to the magical change of the seasons into autumn and that this challenge will just be a little tool to help me.

I've asked friends and coworkers to join, but most of them are disinterested in paying the enrollment on the real challenge, and hesitant to cut out major parts of their diet like sugar, soy, and dairy. I've offered an alternative though. I will work with them to draw up their own diet plans that are still challenging for them, but which resonate with the 'healthy eating paradigm' that they ascribe to, and they can track it all on My Fitness Pal. 

We'll still use the same point system:
5 Points for food
2 Points for Exercise
2 Point for Mobility
1 Point for Supplements
1 Point for the Life Challenges
With Bonus Points for Journaling. 


I think it will be fun for my friends and coworkers to get involved in this way, and I'd certainly enjoy the company. No reason for them to go all gung-ho like I do... just making small changes at first can cascade into bigger changes down the line if they feel inspired!

Please Stop Asking About My Weight.

I pride myself on keeping many non-judgmental and supportive friends in my life. Indeed, even the CrossFit community treats me with great respect and encouragement. Sometimes though, people with otherwise good intentions deliver inquiries into my health that make me doubt myself. 

So here's a friendly open letter to my well-meaning friends and acquaintances who seem to be preoccupied with both the number on my scale and the size of my waistline. (Perhaps, this is a letter to myself as well. I am, after all, a much harsher taskmaster and critic than any of them.)




I have not seen the changes that I began this journey looking for last year. At least not the changes in my body. I have seen changes in my mind and heart however. I've grown exponentially as a person and the depression that's been plaguing me for so many years hasn't been able to get a secure grip on me again. Sure, I have bad days, but overall, my life is happy. I'm happy. 

I have absolutely no excuses for not seeing changes in my physical form. I have nothing to tell you about why I haven't lost a pound or why I don't work out every single day. Who would want to be bothered by listening to thin excuses anyway? 

I haven't been back to CrossFit since returning from Costa Rica, and I don't feel guilty about that either. I went regularly in July and came to some realizations. CF is no longer the crutch that it was a few months ago. The 6:00 AM class doesn't feel the same anymore, and I don't feel the connection to the experience that inspired me so. 

Don't ask me how much weight I've lost. The answer is none, and I'm not interested in defending my exercise or healthy eating habits, since I take more care with what fuel goes into my body now than I ever have before. 

Don't ask me if I've been to CrossFit. The answer is no, and I have enough guilt about "letting them down" without being questioned about it. Especially since I know that the friends I have made there care about me and while they understand that life is complicated, they don't want to hear a bunch of excuses either.



End Rant. 

Week/Weak/Weekend/Gone

Tuesday (8/23):

Warm Up:
2 Rounds
-100 Single Unders
-10 Inch Worms
-10 Burpees
-20 Jumping Jacks
-5 Pull Ups (Green and Red Bands)
-5 Sit Ups
-5 Push Ups

Skill
Alternating 3 Max Holds
-L-Sits (Parrallettes)
-Holding Pull-Up (Green and Yellow Bands)

Waterfall at MonteVerde

Max L-Sit: 30 Seconds
Max Holding PU: 5 Seconds

WOD
4 RFT
-400 Meter Row
-3 Rope Climbs (I did 9 half climbs, as prescribed)

Time: 19:53

I wanted Sub-20 so bad, and I got it! Too bad in the process I cut up my hands a bit. Ouch.


Wednesday (8/24):

Warm Up:
TABATA x3
:20 Burpees
:10 Push Ups
:20 Squats
:10 Toe Touches
:20 PVC Pass Throughs
:10 Good Mornings
:20 Jumping Jacks
:10 Rest

WOD (Done Before Skill Today):
"Crossfit Open 13.1"
17 Minute AMRAP (each movement counts as a rep.)
-40 Burpees
-30 Snatches (Started at 22lbs as the Rx is to increase weight each round)
-30 Burpees
-30 Snatches (Moved up to 27lbs)
-20 Burpees
-30 Snatches
-10 Burpees
-Snatch Until Time Expires

I obviously didn't make it through the entire list. No one in the class did! I made it to 88, which was 70 Burpees, 30 Snatches at 22lbs, and 18 at 27lbs.

I also closed the morning with another 15 Burpees, which puts me at 100 for today and 224 for July. I'm so behind!

Skill:
Split Jerks
I've never really done Split Jerks before, since I've been rather sporadic in my attendance and am pretty wimpy usually. Today I gave it a go though, starting at 22lbs and working my way up to 37. I felt like it was looking alright, although I didn't have a coach telling me so. Overall, today was a tough WOD. Burpees are just so draining. blegh. At least it was chilly this morning!
My sleep last night was pretty bad. My roomie is out of town (at the Crossfit Games!!!! So jealous) and so every little noise I hear in the night frightens me. I also dreamed I was on "Chopped" and was trying to grill peaches. Overall, I was jumpy all night and there was a strange recurring noise coming from below my bedroom window. I had to turn the fan on to drown it out, which made my room both deliciously chilly and stupidly windy. Oh well. I'll sleep when I'm dead!


___________________________________________________________



On Sunday morning, July 28, I boarded a plane for Costa Rica, where I've been languishing for the past 9 days. I'll update soon with all the thoughts that revolved around my fitness and happiness while I was there. I wish I'd gotten a picture of myself snatching my backpack on top of the volcano at Arenal! Also, I don't recommend climbing mountains (or volcanoes) with wounded knees. On a related note, I don't suggest falling down stairs. 

More later!

Dog Days

Been a hot couple of days here.  It's times like these that I regret living in the upper floor of an older bungalow.  The nights are so hot and sweaty that I've been having a hard time sleeping. 

I did make it to CrossFit on Tuesday for Coach H's birthday.  Unfortunately, Wednesday morning my back was killing me. As it turns out, doing bacterial work at the fume hood leads me to hunch over uncomfortably for long periods of time.  I decided to take a rest day to give it time to heal. "A" kindly told me that taking a rest when I'm hurting is not going to ruin my CF record. Unfortunately, last night was 100 degrees in my room, and so my sleep was farcical once again, and I missed the box this morning. I'm kinda bummed out about it, but I can always do some burpees at lunch time to make myself feel better.

Lately I've just been so mad all the time. As I'm sitting at the office, I'm annoyed about every little thing. It seems like the past few weeks I've either been crying or fuming mad. I just don't know what the problem is, but I think I need some change. I'm a little concerned thinking about the future again. I know, I know. I should be living in the moment, I just have a lot of anxiety about what the next move is for me. 

I'm finished with my Master's in December, and I guess I'm a little surprised it happened so soon. I need to figure out what to do with this degree now that I have it. I'm so afraid that it's not going to help me at all professionally, and that I've been paying a few grand out of pocket for three years for nothing. I guess the original plan had been to teach at a community college on the side after I finished this degree as a way to earn some extra money. 

I've also got thoughts of advancing at my company on my mind (I can't stay entry level forever...right?) and I'm flirting with the idea of a PhD in another couple of years.  School just never seemed like such a risky gamble before. I've got friends who never attended college or who dropped out who are now making more money than I am, and are not carrying around a boat-load of student loan debt. Since when did getting a biology degree (or two or three) become the foolish choice? 

And what about that white picket fence? I have a very close, precious friend who has a 1 year old son and who is looking for a new house in a nice neighborhood where she can raise him with her husband and do things like host book clubs and go to PTA meetings. She and I dream sometimes of raising kids together and throwing the best birthday parties with life-size dinosaur pinatas, etc.  I'm missing out on that dream already, and at the rate I'm going, I won't be financially, socially, or romantically stable enough to join her for another 5-10 years. Hell, I may be too old to even have a family by the time I'm ready to have a family, lol. 

I guess I'm just going through that state of "What do I want?" again, and it's exacerbated by me being completely and utterly disorganized and broke simultaneously. Wonder what I'm going to do.

--Tuesday's Entry--

Warm Up:
-200 Meter Run
-10 PVC Pass-Through
-10 PVC Good Mornings
-10 PVC Overhead Squats
-10 Burpees
-5 Cobra Stretches
-200 Meter Run

And then Coach H showed up for her birthday Burpees. I did 31 and she did 27. (I think. She may have done 31 as well.) She also showed me a better way to jump up out of the bottom of the Burpee by having my feet wider apart. It certainly made me more stable and I used the skill in today's WOD.

WOD: 
"Happy Birthday H."
-31 Hang Squat Cleans (I did 32lbs and modified to Hang Cleans + Front Squats with a box)
-6 Man-Makers:
**-Burpee down into a Dumbbell Push Up
**-Renegade Row each arm (12.5lbs)
**-Burpee back up into a Dumbbell Squat Thruster
**-Overhead Dumbbell Lunge each leg. 
-62 Double Unders or 62 DU Attempts. NO Single Unders
-6 Man-Makers
-62 One Arm Alternating KettleBell Swings
-6 Man-Makers
-62 DUs or DU Attempts


This was a very sweaty and grueling WOD, but I managed to finish in 27:11. Feeling like I've rattled all sorts of body parts loose as I sit here at work now, but I'm glad I made it in and rocked it today. And while the KB Swings made me want to throw up, I'm proud of myself for having such a gross sweaty finish. My clothes were soaked when I changed into my lab attire!

July Burpee Challenge Count: 114. I'm going to need to ramp this up a little. I'm not going to finish at this rate! 

Insulation

What a long weekend. A trip up North to my Mum's home with friends and a birthday celebration weekend led to me being utterly exhausted this morning. 

I spent the weekend eating way too much of all the wrong things and slamming Cokes and beer. I get stressed out about entertaining people when I host parties, and I also get stressed out about going away for the weekend, so overall the last few days have seen me eating poorly, sleeping poorly, and getting too worked up about things. 

I also had so many people I wanted to be able to see, from my Mum and brother, to my friends who came with me, to my aunt and uncle to my long lost, oldest dearest friend. Sadly, I couldn't make it work despite "A" patiently driving me around to all of the visiting destinations on my list. 

We got back into town around 8 last night, and had some Thai food and watched a movie before bed. I was too anxious to sleep though, and very worried about the week ahead. This week I've got extra duties to handle at the lab since we lost a coworker and since I've really got to get my asbestos training up to scratch.

Fortunately, even though I was too tired and puny to CrossFit this morning, I've got Friday off work and will be heading to the box with "A" so he can see what it's all about. I don't feel bad about missing this morning though, since I'll still be getting my four days this week, before we head up North again to "A"s cottage next weekend.

I love summer, but all this travel is kinda stressful. I haven't been home since Thursday. Soon I'm going to be heading to Costa Rica for school too, and I can already feel myself getting stressed about that.

So much stress in my life. Too much for summer time, and wayyyy too much for someone who is trying to shed some extra fluff around the middle. I can feel my upset nature hoarding fat and illness inside my body. In fact, this morning I ate probably more than a pound of cold Thai food leftovers. I wasn't even hungry. I just felt like I needed to. I'm insulating my stress and fear with food. I'm so afraid.

Birthday Burpees... Postponed!

Got a fabulous birthday gift from my favorite boss-lady today. When "A" and I were at her place for the 4th of July, we played a lawn game she has called "Rollors" which involved throwing/rolling disc shaped pieces of wood toward targets with rules vaguely reminiscent of horseshoes. I beat "A" twice by a large margin each time, despite his prowess as a high school discus throwing record holder. He is still not really over the shame of it. So anyway, boss-lady gave me the game for my birthday! Beware "A", I'm bringing this game up to the cottage with us so I can defeat you in front of all your friends. <3

Awesome.

Here's what happened at CrossFit this morning. I'm a little surprised I managed to get up and go, especially considering I had a serious case of "I can sleep in, it's my birthday" as well as the nagging feeling of "I should really shower and get good looking this morning instead of hitting the gym, since I've got a date later and probably smell funny and "A" hasn't seen my hair styled since Valentine's Day".  I went though, and I'm sore and shaky and the sky is blue. What a great day. 

Warm Up:
2 Rounds
-200 Meter Run
-10 Inch Worms
-10 PVC Pass Throughs
-10 Squats
-10 KettleBell Swings ('Murican)
1:00 Battle Ropes
-10 Walking Lunges

WOD 1:
Death By V-Ups
-1 Medicine Ball V-Up in Minute 1 (14lbs)
-2 MB  V-Up in Minute 2
-3 MB V-Up in Minute 3
Etc.
We made it through 15 rounds all together.

Skill:
5 Rounds
-3 Clean Pulls
-1 Squat Clean
I started with the 22lb bar, and moved up to 32lbs. It was still very light compared to the rest of the class, but I just don't seem to have much strength as far as Cleans are concerned, especially Hang Cleans, which were what we did for WOD 2.

WOD 2: 
Death By Hang Cleans
-1 Hang Clean in Minute 1 (32lbs like a big wuss)
-2 Hang Cleans in Minute 2
-3 Hang Cleans in Minute 3 
Etc.
I made it to 15 rounds, and likely could have gone to 16 or 17 if the 7 AM class hadn't been gearing up. I'm the only one who made it through that many rounds, and it's obviously because I used such a low weight compared to the other people. I felt kinda worried all through the WOD that I was being too easy on myself with the light weight, but I was so worried about hurting my legs even more, since they are once again tender today, and even Hang Cleans put pressure on them. 

Because I was mentally beating myself up for not going with a heavier weight for the WOD (Although, truthfully, I don't think I can Clean 42lbs at all, let alone Hang Cleans), I was determined to get to the highest number possible in WOD 2. I was also really serious about obeying the rules for form, swinging my hips forward instead of just dipping/pulling the bar up with my elbows high and trying to pop it up over onto my collarbones (which was successful, unfortunately. My poor bones will be blue tomorrow)/shrugging my shoulders at the right time. 

Coach C hollered out that I was doing a good job a couple of times during the Hang Cleans, which was really encouraging. I'm not sure if she meant it because I looked like I needed encouragement, my form was good, or I was sticking with it after everyone else had finished in order to get my 15 rounds. I like to think it was my form though. :) 

When I was all finished, I couldn't feel the toes on either of my feet, so I didn't feel as bad about my 32lbs. I was also thinking that maybe my 27 Birthday Burpees wouldn't be such a great idea under the circumstances. Coach H suggested that we do our burpees together next Tuesday, which is her 31st birthday, and we can trade ages, lol. What's four more burpees? I can handle that. So anyway, the burpees are postponed until Tuesday, which will hopefully give my toes and calves/shins time to recover.