I want to be her.

I wish I were calm, collected, and beautiful, like Her.

       Today is a good day!

Sometimes it's like there are two of me. The one in my head who is strong and graceful and kind and funny and generally exemplifies all of the attributes that I know I'm capable of. The other me is the one that is out here in the real world. I'm flawed and let myself down etc. etc., but mostly this me just seems incomplete while the me in my head is the finished masterpiece. 

I want to to be her. The finished one. I love her. 

Instead, I'm a hot mess most of the time.

...So how do I go from loving her to hating me? There's a disconnect. In the worlds of John Prine, "Steady losin' means you ain't usin' what you really think is right." I think so. I must be depressed because I know that I'm not living and acting the way I can/should. I hate myself, but love the idea of the person I'm capable of being, so what is stopping me from being her? 



Today I didn't go to the gym, but that's OK!! I have made  a deal with myself to go at least three times a week, so I'm not going to beat myself up until at least Thursday (lol?). Additionally, I also repeated part of yesterday's CrossFit workout last night in an effort to avoid homework. 

-100 Jack Knives
-100 Mountain Climbers
-200 Flutter Kicks
-100 Squats (or what I like to think of as "Squails" because I fail at squats. It's not a witty name, but it does eerily mimic the noise I make when I try to do them.) 

Being pepped up about working out, the way I am today is a good way for me to move towards Her. She's strong and fit and beautiful and dedicated... all the things that I could be if I stayed committed to my fitness goals and didn't let my own negative outlook get in my way. 

Speaking of beauty, I was inspired today by my boss telling me that I look like I've been working out (as I lifted a giant bag of garbage and teetered off with it to the dumpster out back). He didn't tell me I look skinny, which is what I always kinda wished I was, but that I looked strong. I think I like that better!

I'm not any thinner, but I like myself more. I'm finding the beauty about myself to be within the fact that I can do pretty decent Mountain Climbers and feel like I'm working it successfully. The beauty is in not letting myself down. The beauty is in being proud of my accomplishments (small though they may be at this early stage.) The beauty is in wanting to go back and try again. I love that about myself. Those all make really stupendous Reasons. 




Side Note: I went to look up some stock images for "Strong" and I'd like to ask why the Hell all the pictures of strong females focus on pink dumbbells or giant boobs in little sporty sports bras? It's creeping me out. Way to go, world. Sexualizing everything again.