Guilt

Today when the alarm went off at 5 AM, I stayed in bed. Last night was a sad night, and I sat in my lonely apartment with some tomato soup and a beer wondering if things will ever really change.

Of course, graduate school is stressing me out quite a bit lately, which causes my jaw to hurt even more than usual. In addition to that, I'm pretty much broke all the time. Living on my own and paying all my own bills and paying off student loans and putting myself through graduate school while working a low-paying entry-level science job is not easy. I worry about my bills constantly and have to juggle Cirque Du Soleil style to cover any unexpected misfortunes. How can I afford to get my jaw fixed if I can't even buy groceries this week?

So this morning, I wanted to hide. I wanted to sit in my bed or maybe crawl into the back corner of the closet and close all the doors. Days when it is really brought home to me that I don't have any help are the hardest. Kind words and reassurances from friends or family mean nothing if I can't make it on my own. If I can't pay the bills or make myself get out of bed or make myself work out or eat or laugh, then am I really succeeding? There's no safety net out here in the real world, and if I fall, there's no one or no thing there to catch me. Words of encouragement aren't tangible. 

Some days I'd trade anything in the world for the knowledge that someone is watching my back, and that if the worst happens, I'll have some help. Deep down, I know that I'm doing well, and that I've got everything under control, and I'm proud of my ability to do everything alone, but by golly, some days I don't want to. 

I told myself this morning that I could stay safe in bed for a while longer, that I wouldn't have to stay late at the lab tonight, and could go to the gym in the evening. Part of me doubts that will happen, but it's a hope I cling to. Maybe at lunch I'll go pound out a P90X workout in the conference room. Maybe a powerful injection of coffee will make me feel less like a loser. 

Maybe someday I won't let guilt debilitate me anymore. Maybe when I don't work out in the morning, I won't feel guilty and as if I've failed or wasted my day. Maybe someday I'll be happy and confident enough to accept and appreciate the life I'm living and the body and soul that I possess. For now though, I'm battling constantly to not want to burn my body in a fire or discredit my personality and soul as flawed and selfish. 

Some days it's harder than others. Today is one of the hard days, clearly. 

Maybe life wouldn't be so scary if I avoided creepy dolls.