Nightmares

Last night marks the second night of nightmares and very little restful sleep. I keep dreaming that I'm in a building with many doors and windows, and that someone outside is trying to get in. I keep bolting the doors and windows, but there's always another crack in my defenses where they could get in. 

I keep waking up feeling insecure and violated and each noise in the quiet empty apartment sends a jolt of adrenaline through my heart, keeping me awake and nauseated and anxious. 

The past two mornings I had set my alarm for 5 so as to go to CrossFit, but as the wakeful hours between 2 and 4 AM crawl by with me worrying about bills and school and fitness and moving and life, I lose the ability to get out of the relative safety of my bed. As a bonus, this morning has me sniffling and coughing, which can't have been helped by two sleepless nights.

I'm so mad at myself for failing to go to CrossFit, but I know that directing the negative energy toward myself makes things exponentially worse. My subconscious, my muscles, my soul... they don't understand why I'm mad. All they feel is my ire and all the stress hormones and wracking pain and tears. No wonder I feel vulnerable and want to hide. 

I'd like to make it to CF after work today, but I had already made plans to take some stuff to the new house tonight and spend a quiet evening relaxing with "A". I wonder if I'll make it to the box. As I said yesterday, I'm even more awkward than usual when I go in the evenings, and I am not looking forward to that feeling on top of being jumpy and sleep deprived and heart-sore.