Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Alone.
Life is hard. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that no one is going to help you. It doesn't matter how much of a nice person you are, or that you remembered to follow-up on your friends' issues with thoughtful texts, calls, and cards. It doesn't matter that you smile extra at cashiers and waiters who seem to be having bad days. It doesn't matter that you spend your lunch break looking up appropriate snacks to serve to your boyfriend's beer-league softball team.
At the end of the day, even if you're the best person you're capable of being, it still doesn't guarantee that anyone is going to lend you a hand. If you can't take care of yourself, you've got nothing.
It's tempting when in a relationship, or when talking to your loving family and friends, to forget that it's up to you to be happy and do your laundry and save the world and be a good daughter and look pretty and be fit and brush your teeth and cook real food and stay up-to-date on current events and form meaningful, well researched opinions about the world. You think to yourself, "I've got back up in case I need it".
But they can't bathe you when you're too sad to take care of yourself. They can't teach you when you are too self-absorbed to learn. They can't clean your home or braid your hair for you before school. They can't change their plans or their lives to be there for you. No one else can check behind the doors when you come into your room to make sure there are no monsters hiding in the closet. No one else can make you look at the day for its possibilities instead of its disappointments.
Even if they wanted to, they can't be there for you all the time. Some sorry, sad, crappy days you're going to be alone. You'll have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps because there's simply no one there to do it for you, even if you did spend $20 on cupcakes for the office this week.
You're not entitled to a good life, or help, or even compassion. You do have the ability to furnish yourself with them however. You have the ability to give yourself the gift of health, if not wealth. You have the ability to give yourself love and tenderness and consideration even when you don't think you deserve it. You have the ability to gift yourself with acceptance and patience and knowledge and adventure every single day.
Today, I could just about cry. I want my mum. I want someone to come make me a bowl of soup and tuck me in. I want to not feel fear and stress about what's coming up in my life. I want someone to call out to me when I'm taking a bath, just to make sure I'm ok. I want someone to make my bed for me and bring me a cup of Vernors for my nausea. I want to have what I can't have anymore because I'm a grown up.
I'm a grown up. Instead of those things, I'll have an evening of getting things done that I need to accomplish. I'll put how lousy I feel on the back burner and get home when I can. I'll take care of myself because I'm the only one who can.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Keep Calm and WOD On
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| Central *B*East! |
It was a breath of fresh air to be surrounded by people who were as passionate about CF as I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm some super CrossFitter, but I am enthusiastic about it even when I'm an outsider. The truth is, it was really comforting to be around people who weren't rolling their eyes at me every time I mentioned how excited I was. It felt like being in a support group--a balm for my frayed nerves.
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| Photo Courtesy of "Marnie", my roommate's CF friend. |
Along with going to the Games, I also contacted Rogue to talk to them about the creation of a garage gym. They invited me to swing by their warehouse which was only 4 miles from the Games down in Columbus. The Roomie and I headed over there and in addition to giving us some insight into what we could accomplish in our own space, the young man helping us also offered to let us into The Rogue Gym. It's a private box that is used by the best local competitors, and it was super cool to be in there, especially since there was no one else around and it felt all secret-y and cool!
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| Here I am discussing how very slippery those bars can be in front of the iconic wall. |
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| And some Yeungling. My trip to Ohio = Better than yours. |
-3 sets of 10lbs
-1 set of 15lbs
-1 set of 25lbs
-1 set of 45lbs
We also got some steel plates in 2.5 and 5lb weights.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've got a new lease on life, so to speak. I'm re-energized and my enthusiasm is creeping into my everyday life, annoying the heck out of my coworkers. So I made some big choices. I need to get back to CrossFit and there are some very specific things that have to happen in order for this to be possible:
-Sleepovers: First and foremost, there's the whole problem of me not going to the gym on nights I stay at the boy's place or on mornings when he's staying with me. I don't think anyone alive could have the willpower to leave such expert cuddling at 5 AM. The solution for this problem has been to set up a strategic schedule with "A" in order for us to still feel like we spend time together, but to allow me to get my WOD on.
We have decided that Thursday nights after his softball league are still happening, which means I will be taking a rest day on Friday. Since I'm not a fan of going into the gym on weekends, and am often out of town anyway, that means Friday nights and Saturdays can be date nights as well. "A" stipulated that he will NOT see me on weeks that I skip going to the gym on my four remaining days (Monday-Thursday) as extra incentive. Monday through Thursday seems like a long stretch to me, so we'll also revive our weekly lunch date, probably on Tuesdays. No More Using the BF as an Excuse.
-Organization: Part of my problem with continuing my CrossFit commitment earlier this year was that I was never organized. My home is a mess, I never know where my clean clothes are, I can't keep track of all the homework and other responsibilities I have when I'm trying to make up for missed CF mornings by going to evening sessions, etc.
So I've given myself a set start again date: July 1, 2013, a Monday. In the meantime, I'm going to be working to de-clutter my life house, get organized, and put some sort of system in place that will keep me maintaining that organization. A schedule for cleaning and laundry, having clothes laid out the night before, having an actual gym bag instead of throwing all my crap in my car... all these things will help.
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| I used to dress nice for work... |
I'm thinking that I need to either be showering at the gym (if the line for the shower isn't too long), or make a commitment to having a nice outfit to change into and the flexibility and determination to bathe in the sink at work. Maybe a camp shower in the garage. We'll see.
As I mentioned above, I think laying out my outfits the night before (and accessorizing!!!) and having an actual gym bag with my shoes and wrist wraps and water bottle in it will help tremendously with the looking good for work thing as well. I just need to be on top of this stuff instead of flying by the seat of my pants, which leads me to the last point on this list...
-Home: I feel like most days I live out of my car or a suitcase. I spend a few nights a week away from home, I'm always out of town on weekends, I dash from work to friends' houses to restaurants to wherever and only come home occasionally to flop into bed. My days often have me at the office late, then to the grocery store, then to my kitchen to socialize with my roomie for an hour and then immediately to bed. (You'll notice that there's a distinct lack of shower time allotted in there too. That's another problem.)
I need to feel like I've got a schedule and a plan and know what I'm going to be doing each day. I need to have time to fit in CrossFit and all the other things that are important to me as well as my responsibilities. In order to do this, I can't be feeling like I'm a hobo living out of my car and wearing whatever clothes I happen to find on what is now known as "The Probably Clean Laundry Side of the Bedroom".
It all starts today. I'm going to head home (after the grocery store. Ugh) and get some cleaning out of the way. I will do this because I've got to get back to my family. They miss me.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
A New Dawn
Hey there, it's been a while.
I feel like apologies and explanations are in order for my extended absence. Perhaps Hyperbole and a Half can explain it better than I can though:
Depression Part One
Depression Part Two
That's how it is sometimes. You hate yourself to the point where nothing and everything is possible and you hate yourself more for hating yourself. Going to the gym seems like something you know you should do and will make you feel better, but you don't go... and then you use that fact to abuse yourself some more. It's just a big stupid downward spiral.
I've been nursing my wounds for the past month or two. The injuries I incurred in April have healed, but I've been tenderly insulating my emotional hurts with cookies and champagne.
So much for that New Year's Resolution about drinking! So much for respecting my body enough to put healthy foods into it! Pretty much the only investment I made into good food in the past few months was purchasing an assortment of grass fed hormone free meat from John Henry's.
Other than that, I've not been to CrossFit, nor have I been particularly active. I've been feeling low and sick and exhausted and generally full of the ailments of depression and I can practically feel my muscles deteriorating into goo as I write this.
I feel supremely guilty over the separation from my CrossFit family. I didn't even tell them I was leaving, I just faded away. I received a short note from Coach J, hoping I was doing alright and it wasn't even the standard form letter that they send when you miss a week of class. I miss them and hope that I can find the ability to go back.
This weekend my roommate and I are going to head down to Columbus for the Regional CrossFit competition. I think the inspiration will help. It can't possibly hurt!!
On the upside, I've been feeling better. The desire to do things is starting to creep back into my life. I'm getting enthusiastic about certain subjects and beginning to dream new adventures to have. So far those good feelings haven't been enough to get me off the couch, but it's a start!
So let's start again.
I feel like apologies and explanations are in order for my extended absence. Perhaps Hyperbole and a Half can explain it better than I can though:
Depression Part One
Depression Part Two
That's how it is sometimes. You hate yourself to the point where nothing and everything is possible and you hate yourself more for hating yourself. Going to the gym seems like something you know you should do and will make you feel better, but you don't go... and then you use that fact to abuse yourself some more. It's just a big stupid downward spiral.
I've been nursing my wounds for the past month or two. The injuries I incurred in April have healed, but I've been tenderly insulating my emotional hurts with cookies and champagne.
So much for that New Year's Resolution about drinking! So much for respecting my body enough to put healthy foods into it! Pretty much the only investment I made into good food in the past few months was purchasing an assortment of grass fed hormone free meat from John Henry's.
Other than that, I've not been to CrossFit, nor have I been particularly active. I've been feeling low and sick and exhausted and generally full of the ailments of depression and I can practically feel my muscles deteriorating into goo as I write this.
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| Ennui to Energy V 2.0 |
This weekend my roommate and I are going to head down to Columbus for the Regional CrossFit competition. I think the inspiration will help. It can't possibly hurt!!
On the upside, I've been feeling better. The desire to do things is starting to creep back into my life. I'm getting enthusiastic about certain subjects and beginning to dream new adventures to have. So far those good feelings haven't been enough to get me off the couch, but it's a start!
So let's start again.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Panic and Bile
Well, last week I went to CrossFit twice. It was a big week for me, how sad is that? I wanted to be hitting the box more this week because lovely Miss N always makes me feel good about it and my dear "A" likes to send me encouraging text messages in the mornings to help me get out of bed.
I really needed it this morning. Last night I had another panic episode and spent the entire night laying awake with a pounding heart and tightness in my chest or having horrifying dreams of being pursued by dinosaurs or in a basement of a graduate school looking at mutilated horse carcasses spraying blood and bile everywhere. It seems totally reasonable that most of my night was also spent nauseated as a result. It was just a bad night and I felt awful and jittery and anxious.
This morning found me up at the appointed time, but afraid to move in case I was going to throw up. The worst part of all of this is that I don't know what caused it.
Yesterday afternoon I started feeling the anxious pressure in my chest while I was still at work, and I took lots of deep breaths and drank some water trying to fix it, to no avail. I stayed late to do some homework and arrived home hungry and agitated and shaky. I guess it all just carried over into bedtime because I sat in my bed feeling filthy and disgusting and 'vomitorious', and inexplicably fearing rats.
What the heck, brain?
Anyway, last Friday's WOD went pretty well, and it was cardio heavy, which was nice since I've been so truant lately. Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
-100 SU
-10 KB Swings
-10 Squats
-10 Good Mornings
-10 Spider Man
-2 Lengths Weighter's Carry (35lb)
Skill:
8 minutes on the minute
-2 Power Snatch
-1 Overhead Squat
-1 Dip to Squat Thing
-2 SOT Presses
WOD:
-Run or Row 5k or do a Tabata
I chose to row. 26:24 on the clock, 24:00 actually rowing.
Spent some time over the weekend talking with "A" about the kids he coaches. He's the 'throwing' coach at a local high school and coaches discus and shot put. During his collegiate career, he was a very accomplished hammer thrower as well. He likes to talk to me about the exercises and lifting that he has the kids do, and it inspires me. I think to myself that a bunch of kids can do it, why can't I? I used to be a CrossFitter!
That's the worst part. I feel like I used to do CrossFit. The past several months have barely seen me at the box. Do I even get to consider myself an athlete anymore? Am I even allowed? I don't think so.
I'm hoping so much that nicer weather will help me out. Even if I can't CrossFit at the level I want to be, maybe this spring/summer/fall I'll make it outdoors and live an active life with "A". Maybe I'll get that pull up someday.
I really needed it this morning. Last night I had another panic episode and spent the entire night laying awake with a pounding heart and tightness in my chest or having horrifying dreams of being pursued by dinosaurs or in a basement of a graduate school looking at mutilated horse carcasses spraying blood and bile everywhere. It seems totally reasonable that most of my night was also spent nauseated as a result. It was just a bad night and I felt awful and jittery and anxious.
This morning found me up at the appointed time, but afraid to move in case I was going to throw up. The worst part of all of this is that I don't know what caused it.
Yesterday afternoon I started feeling the anxious pressure in my chest while I was still at work, and I took lots of deep breaths and drank some water trying to fix it, to no avail. I stayed late to do some homework and arrived home hungry and agitated and shaky. I guess it all just carried over into bedtime because I sat in my bed feeling filthy and disgusting and 'vomitorious', and inexplicably fearing rats.
What the heck, brain?
Anyway, last Friday's WOD went pretty well, and it was cardio heavy, which was nice since I've been so truant lately. Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
-100 SU
-10 KB Swings
-10 Squats
-10 Good Mornings
-10 Spider Man
-2 Lengths Weighter's Carry (35lb)
Skill:
8 minutes on the minute
-2 Power Snatch
-1 Overhead Squat
-1 Dip to Squat Thing
-2 SOT Presses
WOD:
-Run or Row 5k or do a Tabata
I chose to row. 26:24 on the clock, 24:00 actually rowing.
Spent some time over the weekend talking with "A" about the kids he coaches. He's the 'throwing' coach at a local high school and coaches discus and shot put. During his collegiate career, he was a very accomplished hammer thrower as well. He likes to talk to me about the exercises and lifting that he has the kids do, and it inspires me. I think to myself that a bunch of kids can do it, why can't I? I used to be a CrossFitter!
That's the worst part. I feel like I used to do CrossFit. The past several months have barely seen me at the box. Do I even get to consider myself an athlete anymore? Am I even allowed? I don't think so.
I'm hoping so much that nicer weather will help me out. Even if I can't CrossFit at the level I want to be, maybe this spring/summer/fall I'll make it outdoors and live an active life with "A". Maybe I'll get that pull up someday.
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| Spring, don't let me down! |
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Butterfinger Returns
This month so far is looking a lot like the beginning of last month--I've been to Crossfit 3 times. It's pretty disgraceful in my opinion, but at least I know I've got some excellent reasons for my truancy. Anyway, I hit the box last Thursday (it was the only day I had an opening) and as my first day back after the epic fall I took on the 3rd, I found the WOD to be particularly ironic.
Thursday 4/11/13 WOD:
-Death by Toes to Bar (I did a few, but my shoulder protested and I switched to lunges. I didn't manage to keep track of the rounds I succeeded.)
-Death by 10 Meter. (I did this WOD wayyyy back when I started at Crossfit sometime in the fall. I managed to get 8 rounds that time. This time I made it to 11!)
The weekend was full of wedding stuff, and many nights living out of my duffel bag and sleeping in places other than my bed. (My roommate forgot what I looked like.) I did manage to make it in to the box this morning though, with some really adorable help from the boy. He sent me a text at 5 AM saying that I should go to CF and have a wonderful day. I like him.
Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
Tabata x3
:20 Jumping Jacks
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Ball Slams (20lb)
:10 PVC Pass Throughs
:20 Butt Kicks
:10 Good Mornings
:20 Squats
:10 Rest
Skill:
Back Squats
-5x Practice (42lbs and a 20 inch box. I haven't squatted in ages and didn't want to screw things up, so this was just me warming up, and not part of the Skill work officially.)
-3x 70% (52lbs and box)
-3x 80% (62lbs and box)
-3x 90% (72lbs and box)
We were also supposed to do 50% with explosive upward movement until near failure, but I ran out of time working with adorable Miss N.
WOD:
-100 Double Unders (300 Single)
Then
5 Rounds
-200 Meter Run (These runs killed me. It was nice to be outside this morning as it was lovely out, but my collarbone on the injured shoulder side was very sore.)
-12 Weighted Lunges (15lbs, modified with hand rail so I didn't fall over. I'm still so shakey)
Then
-100 Double Unders (300 Single)
Time: 21:15
So, "I" told me I needed to have a Crossfit nickname, and came up with "Big Butterfinger" in light of my crash boom the other day. I signed the board accordingly and I wonder if anyone will figure out it's me!
Miss N is always so sweet to me in the mornings, and she insists that I turn up more often now that the papers are all out for editing and my injuries are doing better. I think she's right. With support from sweethearts like her, and helpful pre-dawn texts from "A", I feel like I'll be back on schedule at the box in no time.
Happy <3.
Thursday 4/11/13 WOD:
-Death by Toes to Bar (I did a few, but my shoulder protested and I switched to lunges. I didn't manage to keep track of the rounds I succeeded.)
-Death by 10 Meter. (I did this WOD wayyyy back when I started at Crossfit sometime in the fall. I managed to get 8 rounds that time. This time I made it to 11!)
The weekend was full of wedding stuff, and many nights living out of my duffel bag and sleeping in places other than my bed. (My roommate forgot what I looked like.) I did manage to make it in to the box this morning though, with some really adorable help from the boy. He sent me a text at 5 AM saying that I should go to CF and have a wonderful day. I like him.
Here's what we did:
Warm Up:
Tabata x3
:20 Jumping Jacks
:10 Squat Bottom
:20 Ball Slams (20lb)
:10 PVC Pass Throughs
:20 Butt Kicks
:10 Good Mornings
:20 Squats
:10 Rest
Skill:
Back Squats
-5x Practice (42lbs and a 20 inch box. I haven't squatted in ages and didn't want to screw things up, so this was just me warming up, and not part of the Skill work officially.)
-3x 70% (52lbs and box)
-3x 80% (62lbs and box)
-3x 90% (72lbs and box)
We were also supposed to do 50% with explosive upward movement until near failure, but I ran out of time working with adorable Miss N.
WOD:
-100 Double Unders (300 Single)
Then
5 Rounds
-200 Meter Run (These runs killed me. It was nice to be outside this morning as it was lovely out, but my collarbone on the injured shoulder side was very sore.)
-12 Weighted Lunges (15lbs, modified with hand rail so I didn't fall over. I'm still so shakey)
Then
-100 Double Unders (300 Single)
Time: 21:15
So, "I" told me I needed to have a Crossfit nickname, and came up with "Big Butterfinger" in light of my crash boom the other day. I signed the board accordingly and I wonder if anyone will figure out it's me!
Miss N is always so sweet to me in the mornings, and she insists that I turn up more often now that the papers are all out for editing and my injuries are doing better. I think she's right. With support from sweethearts like her, and helpful pre-dawn texts from "A", I feel like I'll be back on schedule at the box in no time.
Happy <3.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Movement
Moving around is not feeling as fluid today as I'd like. I'm hurting. I want to be back at Crossfit already because I've been missing so much, but how can I do that when all the pain and other pressures are weighing me down right now? Goodness gracious I cannot wait until May.
Wedding this weekend of a dear friend. I'm not only one of the Maids of Honor, but I'm also the wedding officiant. I've got some tweaking left on my dress and don't know how I'll be doing my hair yet. Haven't picked out my jewelry, haven't packed my bag for the weekend away.
I've got two papers in their final revision stages over the next few weeks as well, and I'm thoughtfully and critically peer-reviewing the work of some of my cohort. This is time intensive, stressful, and and very mentally demanding.
I have yet to finish 'moving' into the new place that I moved into two months ago. I still feel like I'm living out of a suitcase. I spent 2 nights in my own bed during the past week. Other nights being spent late at the lab or attending to the aforementioned bride.
My body is sluggish and grotesque and I average 5-6 hours of sleep each night. I have been too scattered to get groceries or cook good food and have been resorting to mismatched meals from whatever leftovers are in the fridge.
This is not conducive to a happy or healthy life. That's why the past few days I've been devoting more time than usual to organizing my personal life. I think things will be easier once I have a better handle on what exactly I'm doing.
As such, I've started laying out my 5-10 year plan. I do better with a plan. Added bonus: it makes me excited about tomorrow, a feeling that I desperately need when so few things are going my way.
Wedding this weekend of a dear friend. I'm not only one of the Maids of Honor, but I'm also the wedding officiant. I've got some tweaking left on my dress and don't know how I'll be doing my hair yet. Haven't picked out my jewelry, haven't packed my bag for the weekend away.
I've got two papers in their final revision stages over the next few weeks as well, and I'm thoughtfully and critically peer-reviewing the work of some of my cohort. This is time intensive, stressful, and and very mentally demanding.
I have yet to finish 'moving' into the new place that I moved into two months ago. I still feel like I'm living out of a suitcase. I spent 2 nights in my own bed during the past week. Other nights being spent late at the lab or attending to the aforementioned bride.
My body is sluggish and grotesque and I average 5-6 hours of sleep each night. I have been too scattered to get groceries or cook good food and have been resorting to mismatched meals from whatever leftovers are in the fridge.
This is not conducive to a happy or healthy life. That's why the past few days I've been devoting more time than usual to organizing my personal life. I think things will be easier once I have a better handle on what exactly I'm doing.
As such, I've started laying out my 5-10 year plan. I do better with a plan. Added bonus: it makes me excited about tomorrow, a feeling that I desperately need when so few things are going my way.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Health Check-In
Why hello.
I've been an inactive lump for nearly a week.
I don't feel as bad about it as I might have though, since last week when I unceremoniously dropped myself on my head after being diagnosed with a concussion, I realized that I'd injured myself quite thoroughly.
Later that night I discovered my right shoulder to be a couple inches out of alignment with the left, and was not able to turn my head to look in my blind spot while driving home. Fortunately, a few nights of sleep, a hot bath with eucalyptus and mint, several afternoons with a book, and a weekend of EATING ALL THE THINGS were apparently just what I needed.
I still wake up sore each morning, but I no longer worry that I brushed against death by broken neck, and my body no longer feels like I shook all the tendons and ligaments loose from their moorings. All bones appear to be more or less where they're supposed to be.
All the laying around and eating too much was thrown into sharp relief though when my dear friend went to the gym without me and returned with the endorphin high and sparkly eyes of one who is seeing improvement in performance.
I need to get moving again. More consistently too. I've got a trip to Costa Rica for research coming up in a few months and it would be nice to be able to hike up the mountain in the humidity and not die of exhaustion. It would be nice to have the hand strength to grip things and the stamina to snorkel for long hours. It would be nice to look good in my bathing suit.
I've been an inactive lump for nearly a week.
I don't feel as bad about it as I might have though, since last week when I unceremoniously dropped myself on my head after being diagnosed with a concussion, I realized that I'd injured myself quite thoroughly.
Later that night I discovered my right shoulder to be a couple inches out of alignment with the left, and was not able to turn my head to look in my blind spot while driving home. Fortunately, a few nights of sleep, a hot bath with eucalyptus and mint, several afternoons with a book, and a weekend of EATING ALL THE THINGS were apparently just what I needed.
I still wake up sore each morning, but I no longer worry that I brushed against death by broken neck, and my body no longer feels like I shook all the tendons and ligaments loose from their moorings. All bones appear to be more or less where they're supposed to be.
All the laying around and eating too much was thrown into sharp relief though when my dear friend went to the gym without me and returned with the endorphin high and sparkly eyes of one who is seeing improvement in performance.
I need to get moving again. More consistently too. I've got a trip to Costa Rica for research coming up in a few months and it would be nice to be able to hike up the mountain in the humidity and not die of exhaustion. It would be nice to have the hand strength to grip things and the stamina to snorkel for long hours. It would be nice to look good in my bathing suit.
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