Alone.

Life is hard. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that no one is going to help you. It doesn't matter how much of a nice person you are, or that you remembered to follow-up on your friends' issues with thoughtful texts, calls, and cards. It doesn't matter that you smile extra at cashiers and waiters who seem to be having bad days. It doesn't matter that you spend your lunch break looking up appropriate snacks to serve to your boyfriend's beer-league softball team.

At the end of the day, even if you're the best person you're capable of being, it still doesn't guarantee that anyone is going to lend you a hand. If you can't take care of yourself, you've got nothing.

It's tempting when in a relationship, or when talking to your loving family and friends, to forget that it's up to you to be happy and do your laundry and save the world and be a good daughter and look pretty and be fit and brush your teeth and cook real food and stay up-to-date on current events and form meaningful, well researched opinions about the world. You think to yourself, "I've got back up in case I need it". 

But they can't bathe you when you're too sad to take care of yourself. They can't teach you when you are too self-absorbed to learn. They can't clean your home or braid your hair for you before school. They can't change their plans or their lives to be there for you. No one else can check behind the doors when you come into your room to make sure there are no monsters hiding in the closet. No one else can make you look at the day for its possibilities instead of its disappointments. 

Even if they wanted to, they can't be there for you all the time. Some sorry, sad, crappy days you're going to be alone. You'll have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps because there's simply no one there to do it for you, even if you did spend $20 on cupcakes for the office this week. 

You're not entitled to a good life, or help, or even compassion. You do have the ability to furnish yourself with them however. You have the ability to give yourself the gift of health, if not wealth. You have the ability to give yourself love and tenderness and consideration even when you don't think you deserve it. You have the ability to gift yourself with acceptance and patience and knowledge and adventure every single day. 


Today, I could just about cry. I want my mum. I want someone to come make me a bowl of soup and tuck me in. I want to not feel fear and stress about what's coming up in my life. I want someone to call out to me when I'm taking a bath, just to make sure I'm ok. I want someone to make my bed for me and bring me a cup of Vernors for my nausea. I want to have what I can't have anymore because I'm a grown up. 

I'm a grown up. Instead of those things, I'll have an evening of getting things done that I need to accomplish. I'll put how lousy I feel on the back burner and get home when I can. I'll take care of myself because I'm the only one who can.