This week isn't faring much better as far as getting to the gym is concerned. Yesterday I was all set for my usual Monday evening jaunt at the box, but near 3 or 4 pm, I suddenly became very anxious and panicky, and decided to go home and hide instead. This morning I didn't particularly think I was going to make it in, but NOT setting my alarm certainly helped that prophecy come true.
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I know I adore CrossFit, but I just can't seem to convince myself to go lately. I'm too sad or too distracted or I simply just want to go home too much. This all just makes me feel worse though because I already paid for March and have gone literally 3 times. (That's nearly $42 per class so far.)
Why am I so afraid? Why am I nervous and panicky about going to the box? They're not going to be mean to me, they're not going to make fun of me or question why I'm wasting my time and money by not going. Is it that I'm afraid I'm never going to get better? Of course I won't, not if I quit. Is it that I'm afraid even if I try my hardest, I won't change- won't become attractively sculpted or happier or be able to run up stairs without getting winded? Is it that I feel like I don't really belong?
I've been Thinking. (Uh oh, thinking too much is my kryptonite!)
I've been exceptionally broke this week after moving, etc. I'm settling into the new place fairly well, but until things are all squared away and organized, I am not going to be totally comfortable probably. I just hate not being able to find anything. In addition to being very stressed about money, I've been failing to eat as well as I should. Don't get me wrong, I've gone through a ton of greens lately, but I feel like I have eaten out too much and am just generally not being healthy enough. I'm feeling the weight of being in debt, and beating myself up about not meeting my resolutions for this year as far as working out, paying back money, being on top of school, and eating well go. (So I'm pretty much failing at everything.)
I'm therefore considering a spending fast.
I have not yet decided if this would include leaving my home at CrossFit. I feel like I'm not making use of my investment when I'm too sad/anxious/stupid/whatever to go at least a few times each week, but at the same time, I know that when I'm sad/anxious/stupid/whatever, CrossFit and the people at my box have been a saving grace.
Do I deserve to spend such a large amount of money on something I can't seem to commit to when I still owe my Mum for when she kindly helped me financially when I moved down here two years ago?
Do I deserve to buy a bunch of books and fitness and cooking stuff when I don't read/use it? Do I deserve to eat out and drink $9 beers when I have student loans up to my eyeballs and should be studying or writing my manuscript for publication on those nights anyway?
I am not sure I do. I want more than anything to be happy and healthy (fit and eating good food), and I'm not sure if I can do that by restricting myself monetarily and cutting out CrossFit. (Seriously, would I EVER work out?)
I do deserve something though: to get out of debt and get rid of the number one stress and sadness causing factor in my life. I deserve to be happy, and maybe a new approach, while sad, could be a refreshing reset on the journey.
Maybe less will turn out to be more?
In other news, I've been blissfully planning a garden since I now have a yard to come home to and a roomie who is kind enough to let me try it. I'll plant hydrangeas in front of the house in her honor! I'm looking forward to growing some good salad greens, some canning veggies, and some juicing goodies as well. Of course, all my seed will be incredibly ethical and pure heirloom varieties... because I have to do SOMETHING right this year.
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