Running.

My first inclination in a lot of situations is to run away. Money problems? Quit everything. Boy problems? Run back to Single Town. Today I was faced with a conundrum though... 400 Meter Runs.

Rowing 400 Meters is a piece of cake. A walk in the park. No big deal.

Running it is approximately my worst nightmare.

Warm Up:
-50 Single Unders
-15 PVC Pass-Throughs
-4 Lengths Waiter's Carry (35lb plate held overhead)
-50 Mountain Climbers
-50 Flutter Kicks

Skill:
Snatch Work Every Minute on the Minute (7 Minutes)
-Power Snatch
-Overhead Squat
-Something I don't recall the name of where you do  another overhead squat, starting with the bar on shoulders a 'la back squat

All of these to be done without releasing the bar. Utilizing a hook grip.

WOD:
AMRAP 20 Minutes
-15 Snatch (I started at 32lbs, and dropped down to 22lbs for the last round)
-400 Meter Run (8 indoor laps)
-21 Hand Release Push Ups (from my knees)

Rounds: I got three whole rounds plus 13 Snatches.


I talked to Coach J this morning too, and he insured me yet again that I belong at CrossFit, and is going to cut me a deal on my dues so that way I don't have to quit with my new upcoming spending fast. (Beginning April Fool's Day, of course!)

I was successfully stopped from running away again.

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Sadly, I'm running right now. Writing my blog and working on various things that are decidedly NOT my manuscript tonight is going to make me more stressed out in the long run, I know. I don't understand how I operate with this graduate school stuff. How can I keep doing this to myself? 

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The only thing I've been doing right lately is eating salads that are actually delicious. (I'm not a salad fan, typically.)

So good!

Helen's Got A Brand New Boat

This morning I was awake at 4:50 and switched on the space heater in my little room. I popped out of bed and found some supremely unfashionable clothes, and then I drove to CrossFit. 

I hadn't been there in a week, and I certainly felt sluggish for the majority of the workout. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
-10 PVC Pass-Throughs
-15 Ball Slams (20lb)
-5 Push Ups
-50 Lateral Jumps
-2 Lengths Farmer's Carry (36lbs each arm)

Skills:
-Double Unders for 10 Minutes, trying to add on to the total number of unbroken DUs achieved. (I got 5! Not in a row though. BUT 5 is the most I've ever done in one day!)
-Reviewed American Kettlebell Swings

WOD:
"Helen's Got A New Boat"
3 Rounds For Time
-400 Meter Row
-21 American KB Sings
-12 Pull Ups (Still using the green and red bands)

Time: 14:12

For a while there, I was certain I was going to die. Nothing whips me faster than KettleBell swings or Wall Balls. I lived though. It was hard and I am out of shape and low on energy and generally slow today, but I finished the WOD in a decent time and smiled and chatted with the morning crew. 



The rest of my day is going quite well, and I feel myself looking forward to tomorrow for so many different reasons. It's been quite a while since the day felt full of possibilities. 

Cleaning With Cindy

Well, last night I ended up staying at the office too late to make it to 5:30 PM CrossFit. 

While this was very disappointing, I did manage to go grocery shopping, get some flowers for my roomie, clean the kitchen, do some laundry, eat a fabulous salad for dinner, and bathe. I consider these all to be luxuries, and so I'm glad I got to accomplish them!

This morning, to echo my cleaning of the bedroom (it happened.), the WOD was "Cleaning With Cindy", and while it was awful, it was also kinda fun. Here's what we did:

Warm Up:
1:00 Battle Ropes
:30 Hang From Bar (with engaged shoulders)
-10 Ball Slams (20lb)
:30 Squat Bottom Hold
-50 Lateral Jumps
Stretching

Skill:
Overhead Squats (I only used the PVC. My flexibility is very limited for squats, and so these looked terrible I'm sure.)

WOD:
"Cleaning With Cindy" 
10 RFT
-1 Clean (47lbs. I believe that's the most I've ever done during a WOD for cleans. Those suckers are difficult.)
-Cindy (5 Pull Ups, 10 Push Ups, 15 Squats)
-2 Cleans
-Cindy
-3 Cleans
-Cindy

...Etc, all the way up to ten. 

Time: 24:22



When Coach H asked me where I'd been, the only answer I could give her was, "I was sad". Her perfectly reasonable and absolutely terrifying response was that I feel better at CrossFit, and therefore had better f*ing show up and rock out (Actual translation of the event may be different, I couldn't understand her words because of the thin layer of fierceness that was surrounding her tiny self.)

It made me think about some things. I mentioned a few months ago that going to CrossFit for me is more like going to hang with a beer league than like going to the gym. I have been talking and thinking quite a bit about team sports lately, and so this morning it dawned on me that maybe this is what it feels like to be part of a team. Maybe CrossFit is more like a sport than a fitness regimen (duh), and the reason the PEOPLE make it so special to me is because they're my team. 

Maybe I feel like I'm letting my team down when I don't turn up or do well. Maybe I feel obligated to continue because of the same reason. I've never been part of a group sport before, so I didn't recognize it. Maybe this is what it always feels like to be part of something. I like it.



Thought of the day:
Decision is the ultimate power, your past is not your destiny. 

I May Run and Hide...

"... but I never lie." ??? Is that true? 

I'm not sure these days about the second part, but the first half is certainly accurate.

I've been hiding out for another week. Haven't gone to the gym or even done a solitary Push Up in my spare time. I haven't cleaned my part of the house, and goodness gracious if I don't do some laundry soon, I'm going to have to wear the horrible neon green lacy thing that I got in college at a Meijer at midnight. 

Dire straits indeed. 

Oops, I guess it was too scandalous for the Internet!

I'm not sure why I didn't CrossFit at all this week other than the obvious: bachelorette party (see photo evidence at left), writing papers for school, not sleeping, winter time, boyfriend time, school/work/personal appointments. It feels like hiding though. 

I have the sinking suspicion that I've been avoiding the box because vulnerabilities from other areas in my life are leaking over into my ability to leave the safety of my bed or office. I feel like I am withdrawing from NUMEROUS pleasures and responsibilities lately out of fear. 

Ironically enough, my mental image of overcoming that fear is a ferocious vignette of me snarling my way into a Muscle Up. Something that is a long way off at the best of training schedules, let alone a weekly trip to the gym. 

I've been scared especially by thoughts of the future. I know I'm supposed to live in the moment and take things a day at a time, but holy F it's a frightening time to be alive. Not only do current events give me rage migraines sometimes, but in my personal life I'm scaring the crap out of myself.  Probably all of it has to do with my relationship. 

I am enamored of A, but I want to run. I want to run away before I lose track of my goals and my independence. I know it's already too late in many respects. I'm so happy and comfortable all the time (how strange) that I don't mind not going to the gym if it means cuddling longer in the morning. I'm so pleased to have someone to help me and care for my well-being that I am letting him help me instead of handling everything on my own. 

I'm so terrified that I'm not going to regain my balance if things don't work out. Things in my life were working. I was often afraid and stressed and lonely, but at least I had control. Now I'm seeing where things go and letting my grip loosen up and the fall could really hurt. Part of me wants it to hurt. 

What does this have to do with going to CrossFit and working on my Push Ups and Pull Ups and Squats? Well, I'd say nothing, but it's clear that I am freaking myself out so much about not wanting to get too attached to A that I'm withdrawing from EVERYTHING in my life. I don't cook and haven't done any more unpacking from the move. I'm not 100% engaged in school, I'm pulling back from some social situations. It's like I'm severing ties in an effort to be unfettered should I choose to bolt. 

I need to get the control back and do things that make me feel powerful and good, and stop shirking my duties simply because it's easier to hide behind A's big shoulders. 

Tonight is CrossFit. I'm not sure if I'm running to it or away from something else, but I suppose in the end, the important thing is that I know where I am when I slow down enough to breathe. 

A day.

Went to CrossFit last night after getting some online encouragement from Coach J. I was glad I went. I wanted to leave right after the WOD finished, but "I" insisted I work on my Pull Ups, and so I stayed for that too. I was fatigued fairly early on, and I kept stopping in the middle of my sets, despite his urging my forward, but in the end I'm pretty proud of what I did. 

Warm Up:
3x
:30 Battle Ropes
-10 Ball Slams
-10 Squats
-10 Ring Rows
-10 PVC Pass Throughs

Skill:
8 Rounds Tabata
-Flutter Kicks (I got 234)

WOD:
-1000 Meter Row (Time: 4:40)
-20 Power Cleans (42lb)
-20 Box Jumps (3x 45lb bumper plates)
-20 Sumo Deadlift High Pulls (42lb)
-20 Burpees
-100 Double Unders (or 400 Single Unders, which is what I did.)

Time: 21:18

Pull Up Work: 
(I may be incorrectly remembering what we did, I wasn't really lucid at the time)

-Discussed how to use back muscles for this and concentrate on engaging them rather than biceps. Also talked with Coach C about holding the "Up" position being the biggest benefit for strength building for women.

-Green & Blue Bands-2 sets of 20 with a 20lb weight for the first 5-8 reps. 
-Green & Blue Bands and help from "I" for the super set - 40 reps with hanging on in "Up" position at the end until failure.
-Green & Red Band- 4 sets of 20 with help from "I" to get "Up", then slowly lowering myself with control. 2 sets with chin up grip.
-Green & Red Band- 15 reps with hold at the end until failure. 

-10 Ring Rows (Only!?!) and hip mobility work to conclude.

It's Probably Obvious

So, I've been more than "a little blue" lately. I've been very down. A combination of the sniffles/ sore throat and general winter malaise, along with feeling listless and without joy last week kept me away from CrossFit for all but one day. 

This week isn't faring much better as far as getting to the gym is concerned. Yesterday I was all set for my usual Monday evening jaunt at the box, but near 3 or 4 pm, I suddenly became very anxious and panicky, and decided to go home and hide instead. This morning I didn't particularly think I was going to make it in, but NOT setting my alarm certainly helped that prophecy come true. 

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I know I adore CrossFit, but I just can't seem to convince myself to go lately. I'm too sad or too distracted or I simply just want to go home too much. This all just makes me feel worse though because I already paid for March and have gone literally 3 times. (That's nearly $42 per class so far.) 

Why am I so afraid? Why am I nervous and panicky about going to the box? They're not going to be mean to me, they're not going to make fun of me or question why I'm wasting my time and money by not going. Is it that I'm afraid I'm never going to get better? Of course I won't, not if I quit. Is it that I'm afraid even if I try my hardest, I won't change- won't become attractively sculpted or happier or be able to run up stairs without getting winded? Is it that I feel like I don't really belong? 

I've been Thinking. (Uh oh, thinking too much is my kryptonite!)

I've been exceptionally broke this week after moving, etc. I'm settling into the new place fairly well, but until things are all squared away and organized, I am not going to be totally comfortable probably. I just hate not being able to find anything. In addition to being very stressed about money, I've been failing to eat as well as I should. Don't get me wrong, I've gone through a ton of greens lately, but I feel like I have eaten out too much and am just generally not being healthy enough. 

I'm feeling the weight of being in debt, and beating myself up about not meeting my resolutions for this year as far as working out, paying back money, being on top of school, and eating well go. (So I'm pretty much failing at everything.) 

I'm therefore considering a spending fast. 

I have not yet decided if this would include leaving my home at CrossFit. I feel like I'm not making use of my investment when I'm too sad/anxious/stupid/whatever to go at least a few times each week, but at the same time, I know that when I'm sad/anxious/stupid/whatever, CrossFit and the people at my box have been a saving grace. 

Do I deserve to spend such a large amount of money on something I can't seem to commit to when I still owe my Mum for when she kindly helped me financially when I moved down here two years ago? 

Do I deserve to buy a bunch of books and fitness and cooking stuff when I don't read/use it? Do I deserve to eat out and drink $9 beers when I have student loans up to my eyeballs and should be studying or writing my manuscript for publication on those nights anyway?

I am not sure I do. I want more than anything to be happy and healthy (fit and eating good food), and I'm not sure if I can do that by restricting myself monetarily and cutting out CrossFit. (Seriously, would I EVER work out?) 

I do deserve something though: to get out of debt and get rid of the number one stress and sadness causing factor in my life. I deserve to be happy, and maybe a new approach, while sad, could be a refreshing reset on the journey. 

Maybe less will turn out to be more?



In other news, I've been blissfully planning a garden since I now have a yard to come home to and a roomie who is kind enough to let me try it. I'll plant hydrangeas in front of the house in her honor! 

 I'm looking forward to growing some good salad greens, some canning veggies, and some juicing goodies as well. Of course, all my seed will be incredibly ethical and pure heirloom varieties... because I have to do SOMETHING right this year. 

If You Want To Work Here, CLOSE.

Tasted better than it looks.

It's been a while since I've written. I went to CrossFit four times last week and was feeling pretty good about it, but of course, I no longer remember what I did on those days, although I know I stayed after twice to do Pull Ups with "I". 

This week I took Monday and Tuesday off. I was sick on Monday, and had homework I needed desperately to finish, but on Tuesday I just didn't want to go. I went home after work instead and made myself this delicious chicken salad. 



I walked into the box this morning and saw the WOD and thought, "Oh no. This is going to take me forever."

Warm Up:
-250 Meter Row
-2 Lengths Farmer's Carry
-50 Flutter Kicks
-50 Mountain Climbers
:30 Second Plank

Stretch

Skill:
-L-Sits (I did 2x 1 Minute with knees drawn up on the parallel pvc pipes. Didn't attempt the rings)
-Hand Stands (I did 2x Max hold semi-hand stands by walking up the wall with my feet)

WOD:
50-35-20
-Wall Balls (15lbs)
-Pull Ups (Green and Blue Bands, as I use in my practices with "I")
-Double Unders (I actually pounded out three DUs during the skill session when I was warming up. I just remembered all the advice I'd been given and they just happened. Didn't manage any during the WOD though, of course.)

Time: 20:10



I've been kinda blue again. The move is going relatively well, and I think my new housemate and I will get along fine, so that's not bothering me. School is a bit more stressful than usual though, since I need to submit for publication to a peer-reviewed journal this semester. I guess I just don't feel like my manuscript is good enough to get into any journals. Maybe a fluffy yoga magazine or something like that, but certainly nothing of scholarly repute, haha. 

I wonder if I'm restless because I'm sick of winter and of being cold and tired all the time. I feel like I've been hemmoraging money again too, and tuition payments coming up next month are causing some eye twitching. I got paid 5 days ago and already my entire paycheck has been devoted to various bills and automatic student loan withdrawals. How frustrating it is to not be able to buy good food when that was one of my biggest goals!

Speaking of goals/ resolutions, I'd like to talk about alcohol. 

I don't miss getting drunk and stupid. I don't even really notice that I've quit most of the time. I did break my resolution twice last week though. Both Saturday nights I was out with friends I hadn't seen in a long time, and each time I had 3 beers over the course of a few hours.  I never got tipsy, I never said something stupid I shouldn't, I just enjoyed socializing and being relaxed and trying some new flavors of Magic Hat. (By the way, who can drink #9? That stuff tastes like potpourri!) I guess what I'm saying is that I refuse to be mad at myself for breaking a resolution in this case. I spend too much time mad at myself.


So what else is new? I guess I've been thinking the past two weeks about the phrase, "If you want to work here, CLOSE" which has been a theme in a few of my other posts in the past month or two. Last week when I got back up to CrossFit four times in one week, I felt like I was closing. As Alec Baldwin would imply before calling me a worthless motherf*er, it's there for the taking and I just have to go get it. Fitness is there for me if I want it. Do I want it enough?

Monday and Tuesday I felt bad about not hitting CF, so each night before bed I did Push Ups or Sit Ups to help assuage the guilt. It didn't really help. There's a million opportunities every day where I could be stepping closer to a fitness goal, but I don't take them. What am I waiting for?



What am I waiting for?