Blood Orange

This morning at around 4 I woke myself with effort from a very bad nightmare. In the dream I was being chased and attacked by a large man who had only one goal: to murder me violently. I screamed and screamed for help but none of the neighbors could hear me and I resorted to fighting back with a lawn shovel (not to be confused with a snow shovel or rake, which proved to be ineffective against my giant nightmare attacker). I struck him and struck him, desperately hoping to knock him out with repeated blows to the head but he couldn't be stopped. It was only through forcing myself awake that I escaped. 

I think I watch too much of the Investigation Discovery (ID) Channel. 

There was no chance of returning to dreamland after that, so after lying in bed feeling depressed as an extension of the depressing evening I'd had the night before, I just got up. I put on gym clothes and walked out into the dark cold street. It was quiet and still and I was relieved that there wasn't more snow. The winter is crushing me every day and walking out into a morning that felt filled with potential instead of full of cursing exasperated drivers was a special treat. 

Went to the new bargain gym and was glad to see that it's not all that busy in the early morning hours and I hopped onto an elliptical at a few minutes after six. 20 minutes later and I felt like the worst, most out of shape rube on the planet. My heart rate still hasn't settled down from the 190s where it shot to the instant I started moving. That can't be healthy at my age. 

I serrepitiously scoped out the gym a little bit as I followed the instructions on the machine and watched the early morning weight lifters. I dreamed of all the exercises I'd like to go over there and do, but I was too timid. I'm looking forward to having Beef with me when we go after work tomorrow. I feel like at least if she's with me I won't chicken out as much. There's something to be said for having strong friends.

I made it to work, got cleaned up and dressed and breakfasted and sat down in my cube at 7 AM on the dot. One hour to go. I started grading some of my students' work from this week but then recalled how much I loved keeping up with my blog and figured the time was now.

As I munch now on a blood orange, I'm remembering why I was so bummed out yesterday. It was one of those times where I realized that if I'd just stuck with it a year ago, I'd probably already have reached some of my fitness goals. If only I hadn't given up and let the sadness and wretched desire to be still and quiet overcome me. 

I wondered yesterday if settling into a happy comfortable relationship stole some of my drive. I certainly don't put in as much effort to looking nice as I used to (not that it was ever that much back when I was super depressed all the time). I don't eat as well as I'd like because I'm trying to feed a large carnivore who loves ice cream and isn't satisfied by my vegetable stir-fry proclivities. 

I'm complacent. 

Complacency has never been okay for me. I don't want to settle into a life, I want to strive for one. 


Back to My Fitness Pal! Time to start paying attention again. 

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