It's happened a few times over the past several months and it happened again last night. I dreamed of CrossFit.
The Box was no longer the place I remembered in my dream, but it was more like an outdoor track adjacent to an old lady's house or a moderately priced hotel. I didn't recognize any faces but everyone excitedly questioned me about my presence. I was feeling anxious and afraid and intended to have an active rest day since I couldn't find the white board anywhere and everyone seemed to know what to do except me. They all kept smiling though and asking me if I were a chef (hmm, no) and I felt welcome there. I felt inspired to go out and try to copy what everyone else was doing (at least until I realized I wasn't wearing any pants... a recurring theme in my CrossFit dreams is that I'm in my PJs). And then Coach J came in from the kitchen where the old ladies were hanging out having coffee and caught up to me stumbling along trying to follow the other people and gave me a big hug (at which time I promptly tripped us both and we bit it) and then Coach H was there giving me the vaguely concerned, amused look that she used to always give me whenever I demonstrated my extreme grace (such as falling from the toes-to-bar and nearly breaking my neck).
In that instant I felt like home. I felt like even though the place had changed and grown (into a hotel it seemed at one point) and I didn't have my regular 6 AM compatriots there, it was still a place that I could fit. Still a place that I could belong.
Last night I had a look back on my life the past few years. I was into some pretty destructive behavior and very negative thinking as I spiraled down into depression and self-negligence. There were a bad few years. Thinking about when it all stopped, I wondered how I became so comparatively well adjusted and it occurred to me that it correlated with when I started going to CrossFit. I wasn't instantly cured, but I suddenly started thinking of my body differently and caring about I put into it for other reasons than weight loss. By caring for my body mechanically, it forced me to care about myself.
All this dawned on me last night as I chatted with my roommate and fellow CrossFit enthusiast, T. She is recovering from an injury which has kept her from WODing the way she'd like and we commiserated a little bit on the loss of the community and catharsis of our sport.
Sometimes I feel like I can't say it's my sport anymore since I've been AWOL so long, but it is and there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'll get back into it. It's simply a matter of when.
As I was doing the Whole Life Challenge last fall it became very apparent that a supportive community is essential when you're trying to live a better life. If everyone thinks you're being weird when you politely decline baked brie in a bread bowl (OMG), it's a lot more difficult to resist it. If you're surrounded by people who brought guacamole instead, you're more likely to eat clean. I like that support, and I loved the support of going to the box and feeling included, even if I didn't know anyone in the class.
Maybe I do particularly well with a community because as a society we're all so isolated from each other these days thanks to the technology we're attached to and the sheer amounts of data we take in, but I feel like most of the time I'm on my own. I feel disconnected from other people quite a bit and being in a situation where I'm mentally and physically engaged with people who are present with their entire beings feels like home compared to spending time with people who commune exclusively with their iPhones.
Been working hard to make some changes (as always) and I'm feeling good about this year so far. Now I just need to start moving again and writing about it here. This was a good situation for me and I miss it.
No comments:
Post a Comment