Low and then High

Yesterday and the day before were bad days. I slipped deep into the old distant depressed state, feeling like I was wrapped in cotton batting and unable to reach through to touch anything real. Not hungry, not sad really, but totally detached. 

Then yesterday I went out to the car to go pick up my man for a lunch date and a song came on the radio. Let me pause here and tell you that my Soul Sister/ best friend and I have this thing: we ask the "radio devil" to tell us what's in store or give us messages, then we hit the buttons randomly and see what song comes on. Sometimes it's funny, and sometimes it's eerily accurate. Other times, like yesterday, it's obviously my angels talking to me. 

Let me tell you one of the most important ways that Maine is different than Metro Detroit- you don't hear Eminem on the radio, ever. So it came as a surprise when I switched on the ignition and the first notes of "Lose Yourself" came over the airwaves. Not my favorite Eminem song, but you know how sometimes music just goes RIGHT into you? Well, I admit that I drove the 4 miles to my destination crying along to the soundtrack from 8 Mile. Not my proudest moment, but I'll tell you what, my angels were telling me to adjust my outlook about my life. 

You see, the day before yesterday I was looking for jobs, and I told the search engine that I have a Master's degree and the first job that popped up was "Dishwasher, Part Time". Well, that sucked. Later that afternoon, I went and talked to the owner of a local wine & craft beer store where a friend of mine works. When I left, it occurred to me that it's been seven years, and here I am looking at working in another booze store- just like I did right after college before finding my first "big girl job" down in the city. 

I'd come full circle... but I'm more poor now than I was when I worked at that gas station liquor store! BAM! Depression crushes me like a vice. Has the last seven years been meaningless? Has it really come back to this?

The main difference in me is that back then, I thought that my situation was a product of my degree not being the right one, and the 2008 economy being terrible. I felt trapped by things that were outside my control. NOW though, I know that it's all within my control. I could be successful at approximately 93747262987 things if I would just do something. 

Feeling trapped now is worse, because instead of blaming the situation, I can only blame myself. 

So let me bring it back around to my Eminem driving sob-fest. I've got a situation right now where I can't afford to "provide the right type of life for my family" but at the same time, this is an incredible opportunity for me! I'm not bogged down all day at a job I hate, and I have irons in the fire that CAN provide a better life for my family, if only I step up and do it (and not choke). Just as I wrote last week, this is a chance for me to embody the lifestyle I want, and probably a sign from above that I HAVE to do this now. It's no longer an option.

You're either 100% in or you're 100% out. So here's to being ALL IN. 

Picture of me immediately after getting fired- she looks like a badass.

These ideas effectively kicked me out of my low point and into a manic crafting episode, but I still think that's an improvement. 

So if you want to get into this with me, head over to YouTube and get ready to lose yourself.


PS. After Eminem, Tool came on, which is how I really know that my angels were speaking to me. The difference was that instead of a message going in, it was emotion trying to get out. Time to do some dance therapy.

Gotta get the yucky stuff out to make room for the good. 

Be an Athlete.

Last night I tagged along to watch my squeeze play soccer with the rec team from his office. He's not the ideal build of a soccer player, having a body almost ridiculously well suited to throwing heavy things, but he's a good athlete. He's always been a good athlete regardless of the sport, simply because he's athletic. He's got good lungs and strong legs and he's quick with coordination. 

Not all of us are so lucky.... but he shared with me a story about one of his coaches when he was a hammer thrower in college. That coach would always say "Be an athlete." 

It didn't matter if it was cross training or doing yard work, or just tripping over a pile of weights in the gym- he'd say "Be an athlete."

My sweetie used to say that to the high school kids that he coached on the track's throwing team. It doesn't matter if your body is built a certain way for a certain activity, you just treat your body like it's a powerful tool of an athlete.

That's something I've always wished to do, but held myself back due to my clubbed feet and limited mobility... but I too can be an athlete (she thought, as she tripped on the torn carpet on the stairs and slid down on her ass with majestic grace.) 

So anyway, here's to days spent in yoga pants (I swear they're not the same ones as yesterday...) where a few Sun Salutations make you sore, and you can't do the splits anymore... but you do the damn thing anyway, because you want to be an athlete. 

Involuntary Housewivery and Yoga Pants ALL DAY

Hello friends!

Lots of changes this past year. I had moved out to Maine to take a job in a big industrial laboratory company, and was dreadfully unhappy, but slowly paying off debts. I lived in Maine alone from January to August and did my best to improve my mindset, my health, and my wallet.

Moderate success. I did learn how to enjoy my home, and I dedicated a lot of time and effort to de-cluttering (KonMari style) and learning to really enjoy my space. I experienced some traumatic cat attacks when my precious feline companion decided that outdoor cats seen through windows = rip limbs off the female human in the house. I felt the elation of finally feeling like my man and I are on the way up- making enough money to pay double on student loans, having high-interest savings, vacation fund, plans for matrimony... and then I felt the stunning defeat of suddenly being told I don't have a job anymore. 

That's right, the company that moved me to Maine decided after only 11 months that they no longer wanted me to work for them, and as an At Will company, they didn't need to even tell me why. I suspect they can hire someone to do my job for less money.

I was shocked of course- I didn't see it coming at all, but when I walked out of the lab at 9 AM that day, the sun was shining and I felt JOY. I was relieved, just totally and utterly relieved that I never have to go back in that building again, and that I never need to do that job again. I hated it that much. 

So here I am, 2 months into my involuntary stay-at-home wifey-ness, without the ring. Fortunately the bills are getting paid, even though we aren't going to have all debts paid off by the end of 2017 the way we had planned. I've got a part time job at the mall, and my direct sales side-gig with Mary Kay, but the rest of the time I'm home.

Do you think I've been working out? Nope. Not at all. But I see the potential. I know I've been depressed since getting let go, despite the relief and joy associated with no longer being a microscope jockey and handling hazardous materials/chemicals/pathogens. I've been very dark and my energy levels have been low. The sun is out today though, and I'm wearing yoga pants, so any minute I could break into some sort of exercise! 

I've picked up some pet projects to keep me mentally occupied so I don't fall farther into this depression: I've been learning to use Instagram to promote my brother's business for him (he's a major Luddite), I've been making herbarium samples to start creating my own art, and I've been working on a novel. (I always said I wanted to be a writer... now I'm broke and drinking enough wine that it's basically true.) 

I've been neglecting my health though, and at 150 pounds, I'm no longer able to wear my nice clothes that I spent so much money on when I had a job. That's just a waste right there.

So it's time to battle my unemployed ennui with some good old fashioned exercise! I got a Fitbit for Christmas, so at least now I can see in vivid detail just how sedentary I am. My sweetie told me yesterday that I have made a nest on the chaise in the upstairs office. 











I cannot deny it.

I'm still enough that wildlife has colonized me.

All I accomplished today was hiding my credit cards so that I don't submit to the seductive siren's song that is Amazon while the man's at work. Oh, and I walked to the mailbox. 


Today I decided to make the best of this situation. Housewivery will be my greatest skill. The house is clean, there is some outstanding pulled pork fresh out of the crockpot, and squished flowers drying over the gas heater that I'm going to art the shit out of. 
Stay tuned for tales of me getting my life back! Possibly even my perfect waist/hip ratio. 

Body Loathing

I'm a firm believer that body shaming of any kind is ridiculous. People look how they look and that's okay! I won't even add on a caveat about how "as long as they're healthy" it's fine, because honestly, the state of another person's body is none of my damn business, whether they are healthy or not, hot or not, fat or boney.

Everyone's body is a miraculous and incredibly complex and beautiful and immaculate husk. That's right. It's just a shell, just a meat suit for the soul. It's your soul that I care about.

When it comes to my own body though, I go through periods of utter loathing. Years ago, that feeling was generated by traumas I had endured. My body was simply an instrument that other humans had used to hurt me. It was also a flawed machine that couldn't accomplish the physical tasks that I wanted due to my clubbed feet and subsequent issues. 

Now that I've grown up and let those things go (mostly), I loathe my body for other reasons. I see it mostly as just getting older and decaying and getting less and less pleasant for me to look at. I don't feel confident when I undress, and my wardrobe has slowly transitioned to all flowy forgiving clothing that a middle aged woman would wear.

I hate how my body aches and how tired it is all the time, and how I got an asthma attack from climbing my stairs the other day. I hate how this body gets migraines too often, and how every single bruise shows up in stark relief. I don't like how I'm constantly having to monitor and care for this body just to slow down the inevitable slide into being overweight.

Shouldn't there be a time in life when you don't have to be so scrupulous and instead just enjoy having a body to do things like smell the air or hear music or taste champagne?




These days the times I take pleasure in my body are few and far between. It always feels like a weight holding me back instead of a vehicle to let me experience the good things in life.



I've written two pretty dark posts tonight. I guess I had to let it out. I want to leave in a better mood than when I started, so here's a picture of me from last fall, where my body felt joy and exhilaration (I'm afraid of heights) instead of merely feeling how bulbous I was in that harness. 

It was an important day because I did something courageous. The thrill of victory is a feeling that my body was made for. I need to seek it more often. 

Doing Life

This is how I look now.

It has been quite a while since I've written- more than a year. Life seems to have run away with me and other things captured my interest and passions more than my quest for fitness and emotional balance. Depending on who you are, you may think that those things should always be of the highest priority, as they are integral to a happy life, right?

I've learned that in addition to a sleek, strong body and a good attitude, I want more things in my life. I want to be financially well, and I want to pursue higher education in the form of a PhD. I want to write a book in the style of "hard science" fiction. I want to embody awesome, the way some of my dear friends do. I want a clean home and a garden. I want to travel the world and feel carefree.

In my quest for ALL THE THINGS, I have spent the past couple of years being incredibly busy... and oftentimes that busy attitude was composed of millions of tasks that weren't always helpful or important, and certainly weren't always leading me in the right direction (toward my dream life).

Today and lately, all of my hard work and stress and doing all the things has turned into hard work and stress and being too burnt out to get anything of value accomplished. It's a constant game of catch-up where I'm running up hill forever.

I've been running up hill with my fitness for several years. Even when I was blogging here regularly, I can't say for certain that I ever really reached a goal. I felt like my biceps became shapely at one point, and I accomplished some tough WODs that I didn't think I'd be able to finish... but in the end, I didn't become a fit person. I didn't change my body, and I didn't fix up my nutrition. The jury's still out on whether I'm less depressed. My coping skills are the only things that really flourished.

How is it years later, and I'm still always paying attention to eating unprocessed foods and not drinking a bunch of soda, and generally being aware of what I'm using for fuel... but I'm still in shitty shape?

How is it years later, and even if I can string together a week or two of consistent exercise, I never get into it enough to continue, and never feel like it's making a damn difference? Once again, depending on who you are, you're likely thinking that it's simply a matter of commitment and discipline.

Motivation is a feeling, and therefore it is unsustainable. Commitment and discipline are what bring athletes (or business people, or anyone really) to their greatness. Why do I not have any discipline? Why don't I have enough commitment to my health or to my finances, or to living simply, or to eating clean, or to cleaning my house to really do something about any of those things? 

I saw a Buzzfeed article yesterday about a 9 year old girl who did a 24 hour obstacle race designed for hard core adults... that child has more conviction and discipline than I have in my whole life. I don't care about anything enough to devote myself to it so fully. Which saddens me.

The past year or so I've spent on personal development. I read motivational books and take seminars on being assertive. I actively seek out mentors and I cultivate goodness in my relationships with other people. I practice leadership and I inspire others by my example. So I read enough self help books to know that the only thing standing in my way is ME. 

As I was talking to a friend today, I said that I felt like I'd been climbing an uphill battle for so long and that I haven't gotten anywhere. I realized maybe I'm on the wrong mountain.




The scary part is that I don't trust myself to have the conviction to find another mountain to climb. 

Is it even possible to go back to this?

I've moved to Maine, where I know no people, and I have only two coworkers who have avoided friendship with me at all costs. So in an effort to get out and meet people, as well as try to get back my 24 year old body, I joined a gym.

It's been a week, but I only went once. I was too timid to talk to anyone, and I just snuck in, rowed 5k and then slinked out. The whole time I was thinking about how useless it was and how the time was better spent washing my dishes or filing my taxes.

Every day since then has been a struggle, where I now feel tremendously guilty for not going to the gym, but also really Fucking hating the idea of going there. What happened to the woman who used to enjoy working out? Did I ever enjoy it, or was I projecting a person I wanted to be?



It's time to find out what I'm made of. Even though I don't care today, I know that I can't keep sliding backwards in my health or else I'll be truly unhappy. Even if no roads seem to lead forward, I have to do something. I may have no energy, and I may have no time as I push myself to ridiculous levels in other areas of my life, but I need to do something. 

I wish someone could help. More than that though, I wish I didn't need help. 

21 Day Fix: Day 10 - Mushrooms are my friends

Did MUCH better yesterday with my eating. I kept my to my containers for sure, even when I went over to a friend's house for dinner. I measured out my yellow container of rice right there by her stove!

Alas, I did struggle yesterday because I didn't eat enough. By the time I got home it was going on 9 PM and I hadn't had all of my greens or purples, or my blue. I wasn't particularly hungry, but I know that my body probably needed those nutrients, especially since I did a little more work in the weight room than usual yesterday morning. Calm down, there weren't actual weights involved. My body weight exercises are quite challenging enough at this point!

I did have a dream last night that I was at my friend Bethy's wedding (with Neapolitan cake) and it was attended by everyone I know from my home town (hmmm) and it was also a small CrossFit competition and Rich Froning (Fittest man on EARTH) was there competing... and so was I. And there was some weird thing where we had to scootch around on our backs while holding a barbell.. and I totally beat him (at the women's prescribed weight). It was a great feeling, but I still walked around feeling like I was a fraud, lol.

But I digress.

Yesterday here's what I ate (no pictures though, sorry!)

Breakfast: 1 Veggie Burger - 1 Red
Morning Snack: 1/2 Chocolate Shakeology with Cherries - 1/2 Red, 1/2 Purple
Lunch: Some root veggie soup from Bethy, a Turkey Burger (plain, just the meat) and some spring mix - 1 Yellow, 1 Red, 1 Green
Afternoon Snack: None, I totally forgot to eat
Dinner at Bethy's: Jambalaya and rice - 1 and 1/2 Red, 1 Yellow
Special Treat not allowed in 21 DF: 1/2 White Chocolate Raspberry Daiquiri from Dove Chocolate Discoveries. 

Workout from yesterday:

-25 minutes on the treadmill. Still no running, but I cranked up the incline and walked quickly and got myself out of breath.
-Incline push ups on a barbell in the squat rack (yes, I'm that girl). 3x10
-Hanging row things from that same barbell 3x10
-Cable tricep extensions 2x10
-Assisted pull ups 3x8

It's short, but sometimes a girl's only got 45 minutes before she goes to work! OH, I also stopped for a cup of coffee. No fancy stuff, just coffee with a drizzle of cream and sugar. I'm so bad. 

STILL feeling optimistic about yesterday though, and today is off to a good start as well!

21 Day Fix - Days 8 and 9 - Keeping Momentum is Challenging

So heyyyyy,

I've been remiss. 

Monday and Tuesday I didn't get my workouts in and I only hit the diet properly about 75%.

While this could derail me, I've decided today to refocus on why I'm doing the 21 Day Fix. I want to love myself, and so I need to complete something. No giving up this time! Two rough days rounded out by kicking butt last week and committing to kicking butt the rest of the Fix.

I've learned how to handle weekends full of chocolate:

PRIOR PLANNING

If I'd taken the care to prepare food ahead of time and have easy snacks and meals on hand all weekend the way I did last week, things would be going much differently. I'll limp along through the rest of this week and a trip up North for not-Thanksgiving with my family. There will be food, but only what fits in little colorful boxes. 

Today I am back on track and have worked out with Bethany at the gym. I've got a written To Do list that I am knocking out, and I'm generally taking care of business all over the place.

Better things to come!